Allow me to get Real with you for a moment: this is my last ever ‘Married At First Sight’ column. It hurts, but it’s the truth: I’m not going to be writing them any more.

But WHAT A WAY TO GO, AM I RIGHT?!

Like SHIT YOU GUYS. THAT WAS… AMAZING.

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Give every single person on this hellish show one million dollars in cash, because I will be thinking about this piece of television for the rest of my life.

Betrayal. Infidelity. Outrage. Shock twists. A solid ninety minutes of shouting at the TV. This episode delivered everything.

We all know the Davina/Dean/Tracy love triangle sitch: Dean & Tracy are “married”, Davina and Dean got all lovey-dovey over text and then had a revolting tryst in a pub, Dean promised that he was totally into Davina, Davina looked like the smuggest shit alive, and Tracy went on oblivious.

We were all prepped for a disgusting moment of betrayal in tonight’s commitment ceremony, but we were NOT prepared for it to look like THIS.

Instead of dropping Tracy in order to flounce off into the Insta-filtered sunset with Davina, Dean actually confessed to his two-timing garbage and begged Tracy to stay with him. This prompted Davina to burst into tears, accuse him of being a wretched scumbag, and expertly pivot from conscienceless harpy to victim in about a split second.

Also we got to see everyone else yell at Dean the Sexist, which was probably more satisfying than about 80% of my sexual experiences. Apparently the rest of Australia feels pretty much exactly the same way.

Also, can we agree: Ryan, baby, what’s up?

Obviously Tracy chose to stay with Dean because there’s nothing a woman likes more than being two-timed on national television, AND because he’s a duplicitous snake who blamed everything on Davina’s insatiable horniness and also bought himself a new ring (?) as a symbol of his commitment.

Best of luck, mate: as we saw last season, the producers of this show have no problem with playing your own bullshit right back to you directly after you’ve invested a heap of energy into strenuously denying it. I literally cannot wait.