Please Read This Insane ‘Harry Potter’ Chapter Written With An Algorithm

As J.K. Rowling continues to defend the presence of accused domestic abuser Johnny Depp in the upcoming Fantastic Beasts film, some of her fans might just be looking for an alternative source of new Harry Potter content.

Obviously, fan-fiction is the go-to, and there are endless reams of the stuff clogging the internet’s arteries. But one start-up has delivered an entirely new type of Potter content, comprised entirely of Rowling’s own words. Kind of.

Botnik and its team of writers have composed a new Harry Potter composition, using their predictive text keyboard pre-loaded with all seven books in the wizarding canon.

Entitled Harry Potter And The Portrait Of What Looked Like A Large Pile Of Ash, the text includes beautiful and totally sensical excerpts like Ron’s Ron shirt was just as bad as Ron himself,” and “The password was “BEEF WOMEN,” Hermione cried.”

Taking to Twitter to explain the process, Botnik collaborator Nat Towsen said he and others had “a big writing jam” on the app, which was pre-loaded with the text of the actual books.

Writers then selected the goofiest shit, at which point Towsen “arranged them into a narrative, and wrote some copy to fill in the gaps.”

The great news is that if phrases like “Harry tore his eyes from his head and threw them into the forest” isn’t enough for you, Botnik has made their Harry Potter generator available for use HERE.

Now, we wait to see if Botnik can create a bot to replace questionable leading figures in upcoming franchise expansions.