Folks, the trailer for the highly-anticipated eighth season of Game Of Thrones has finally dropped – and it was a doozy.
The trailer featured most of our faves, all looking badass as fuck and galumphing around Westeros as they have for years. Controversial opinion – does anyone else just feel like everyone marches around and nothing really happens to progress this show? Coz I’m re-watching the entire thing and yes, it’s action-packed and addictive and I adore it… but also in a very real way, there is a lot of galumphing around and not much taking-of-thrones.
ANYWAY! That’s irrelevant because here we are, at the final season, waiting to see who will die and who will bone. Head of Editorial Josie and me, Senior Style & Features Editor Mel have written out all our feelings and recapped that doozy of a trailer for you guys.
MEL: Ok so lets start with Arya. I have absolutely forgotten what she was doing besides the fact she was now No One and had reunited with Sansa/Jon and was firmly back on her teenage-arguing bullshit with Sansa.
JOSIE: Excuse me, she’s my absolute favourite character. As someone who is still holding a grudge against the boy who broke my new lunchbox in Year 2, I can very much relate to having a list of people you want to kill and methodically working your way through it. Girl is on a MISSION. But, I fear that she doesn’t actually care about her own life? Like, her one motivation is this list and she’ll happily die for the cause.
MEL: Absolutely. I think she’s definitely going to die before the season is out. I was really confused – was she being chased by the Night King or did she MORPH INTO THE NIGHT KING because if it’s the latter… fuck me. Did you see that bit? I almost missed it.
JOSIE: NO, what? I was too busy trying to get that fierce screenshot.
MEL: Okay so I rewound because I was so lost, and I saw this FLASH of the Night King. PS: Guys the dark moody lighting is cool and shit but also, I can’t see.
JOSIE: Oh my god, she turns into a man. Agreed with you though my eyes are terrible and I cannot figure out who that is. Is it the Night King? Is it a friendly old man from the village? We don’t know!
MEL: It’s terrifying is all I know.
JOSIE: You know what every single GoT trailer needs? Cersei Lannister smirking.
MEL: Cersei Lannister smirking and wearing those FAB epaulets.
JOSIE: No one in the history of television can smize like Cersei. Tyra Banks would KILL for that face. And probably those epaulets. What do you think will happen to Cersei this season?
MEL: Well I forgot she’s a) pregnant and b) even Jaime hates her now. I think she’s hundo going to die but before she does she will definitely do some more evil cunty shit.
JOSIE: Literally everyone hates her now, I have no idea what she’s gonna do but judging from that face she’s got a plan?
MEL: She’s got a plan and a great wardrobe, as always. Okay can we talk dragons? They’re all I care about.
JOSIE: The DRAGONS. They’re the best. Can the whole show just be about them? Like a show where they can talk and have personalities, like a really dark version of Alvin And The Chipmunks?
MEL: Petition for spin-off series, Dragons Burninating The Countryside.
JOSIE: I’ll sign that! So we see them arrive in Winterfell for the first time.
MEL: I’m still devo that one of them turned into Evil Ice Dragon and yet also, I fucking loved that.
JOSIE: I know, that was a really sad yet completely badass moment in TV history. Sansa is also really into the dragons, you can tell from her face here:
MEL: Sansa wants to ride a dragon. Sorry Sansa, that will not happen. But – if Jon isn’t riding a dragon within 3 episodes, Dracarys on the whole production team of this show.
JOSIE: Absolutely my sex dreams are just waiting for the image of Jon Snow riding nude atop a dragon. HBO if you don’t make this happen, my subconscious will. Meanwhile – Sansa, you’re the most irritating person in the show and I hope you fall into a well. CHANGE MY MIND SANSA, you’ve got a whole season to do it!
MEL: I’m always torn with Sansa because she overcame EVERYTHING, like how much shit can one woman go through. Especially at the hands of men, you know? Like she goes from shit fiancee to unwanted husbo to EXTREMELY SHIT AND UNWANTED HUSBO. But she is also the most annoying human being alive, so…
JOSIE: I know, I hate to victim blame with Sansa but like I said I hold major grudges and she was such a little bitch in Season 1? Like she absolutely doesn’t deserve what happened to her but I’m also like… you were all “tee hee hee Joffreeeyyyyy” and treated Arya like shit and then she ended up with Joffrey. Who was the worst. And she was only a kid and I really shouldn’t blame her. And she has become a lot more badass since.
MEL: She’s a complex one for sure because even now, she shits me. Okay let’s move on to my FOREVER FAVE POWER COUPLE.
JOSIE: Safe space here but when they finally banged I actually think I had a small, quiet orgasm of my own?
MEL: I had a small, quiet orgasm over his ass. I did an entire story about his ass.
JOSIE: It was a delightful perfect peach of a thing. My god, hetero men watching the show wanted to bite it.
MEL: There is no human being on Earth who didn’t want to lick Jon Snow‘s buttock.
JOSIE: ANYWAY, onto this season so I can stop fanning myself. I love them as a couple and I hope they rule the world but I worry that there is a lot of pressure on their fledgling relationship.
MEL: Yes I agree – Jon isn’t one to try and wrangle the power in that pairing but Daenerys is still a bit immature sometimes as a Queen, I feel.
She can be too stubborn, you know?
JOSIE: She really can. Like that screenshot looks a bit tense, am I right? Maybe she’s doing her dick-swinging Queen Ruler Of Dragon Riding thing and he’s not about it. I hope they don’t fight I cannot bear it when mum and dad argue!
MEL: Also I really, really need her to be impregnated with the Stark/Targaryen baby that will rule them all.
JOSIE: Yes. Please inseminate her before you dump her for being overbearing, Jon.
MEL: Excuse me Jon would never dump anyone, he is a perfect emotionally available angel from heaven.
JOSIE: “I just think I’m not ready for a relationship right now, I’ve got the ice zombies coming and I’m just a bit busy with work.”
MEL: LOLOLOL fuck. Side note we don’t need to discuss – Gendry why are you even here still. Sorry, he is the most pointless character. BYE ROBERT WASN’T EVEN MEANT TO BE KING.
JOSIE: Even my screenshot of him sucks. BUT I think there’s a lot of people out there who desperately want him to bone Arya. And maybe it would do her some good to have something else to focus on rather than annihilating a bunch of people on a list? But also I like it when female characters aren’t paired up with people and just get to be single and awesome.
MEL: Also Arya will forever be a 10-year-old in my mind, like Sansa will always be 13. Bran is three times his size from season 1 and I still think he’s a child.
JOSIE: HAHA yes so the idea of her having roof-shattering sweaty HBO sex with Gendry (who is also 15 in my eyes) is a little disturbing. Speaking of HBO sex, remember these two last season?
MEL: Fuck yeah the Lord Of Oral, Grey Worm.
JOSIE: Imagine if he wins the Game of Thrones just by being so good at oral. There’s a battle between him an Cersei and he drops to his knees in front of her and does his thing. And she’s like “Well. Fuck. That’s it then.”
MEL: Boom! Throne WON.
JOSIE: Okay so onto this bit. Sorry to be a non-nerd but I still have NFI what is going on with this tree?
MEL: Omg SAME SAME SAME. Here’s my take – let’s burn the tree down so we don’t have to figure it out. Problem? Solved!
JOSIE; Absolutely, it makes me feel dumb because I do not understand it. Someone was IN the tree at some point? Someone WAS THE TREE at some point? I don’t know.
MEL: Also, controversial – I don’t care!
JOSIE: Okay so HBO is definitely trying to influence my subconscious here by repeatedly showing me Jon near a dragon.
MEL: YESSSS GET ON THOSE DRAGONS YOU BITCHES.
JOSIE: I cannot wait for the inevitable scene where they soar above the land on their dragons. They’re such a boss couple, it’s almost like what’s the point of any other couple existing.
MEL: Sorry but the throne has been won.
JOSIE: END OF SHOW.
MEL: Unless her dragons turn on her/Jon and smote everyone, in which case the throne will be won by the dragons. I for one welcome our new scaly overlords.
JOSIE: Maybe that’s the big plot twist. I’m here for it but only if they have novelty voices. I love talking animals!
JOSIE: Oh fuck I forgot about this bloke. He used to be the MVP but his storyline has bored me for like 2 x seasons now.
JOSIE: Remember when he was sassy and scheming and alcoholic and a misfit and just went around banging people? I reckon he might die this season. Just because they love killing off fan favourites but since he’s kind of got boring we’ll be like “OMG NO” but then we’ll get over it and continue watching.
MEL: I was like “wait he’s hand of the king again?” but I checked and Daenerys made him her hand last season.
JOSIE: Ah yes and gave him that fancy brooch.
MEL: Basically yes, Tyrion will die and I don’t even care anymore. I miss that bit where he murdered Shae and his dad.
JOSIE: That was so spicy!
MEL: Anyway! LOVE seeing these two again.
JOSIE: Yeah these two are so fab. A strong maybe platonic vibe? But knowing HBO they’ll probably give each other oral? Unexpected Oral is such a HBO thing.
MEL: Very platonic, but let’s not forget Podrick totally blew the whore-house’s minds, so IMO she should get down and dirty with him if she wants a 10/10 sexy time post-battle.
JOSIE: She definitely should get some action. She deserves a satisfying bone sesh. If she wants it that is, I am absolutely fine for female characters to remain unattached! Okay can we get to the most tragic character now?
MEL: Oh god I know who you are going to post.
JOSIE: FUCKEN CAPTAIN FRIEND ZONE!
MEL: I’m sorry but old sadsack Jorah needs to die NEEDS. TO. DIE. I don’t want to see his depressing moony face any longer.
JOSIE: Just let him and his scaly body and unsatisfied libido waste away PLEASE. Put him out of his fucken misery!
MEL: Like Jorah, you need to take this extended, show-long hint.
JOSIE: It has been EIGHT SEASONS. She’s fucked that many hot guys now.
2. That hot bearded guy, who then became that other hot bearded guy.
3. Jon Snow.
Friend Zone, she’s not gonna stoop to your level.
MEL: But aside from Jorah’s depressing malaise poisoning this entire trailer, just WAFTING over everything – I loved seeing everyone lined up ready to shit on the White Walkers.
JOSIE: Oh yes. Especially because HBO got us with THIS and we both bloody gasped at our desks:
MEL: YESSSS NIGHT KING BABEY!
JOSIE: I’m SCARED Mel! He scares me! But if your theory is correct it’s probably just Arya up in this bitch like “Pssst it’s me pretending to be the Night King don’t shoot me!”
MEL: Honestly I would also welcome the White Walkers taking over Westeros, like let’s be real MOST of these people are cunts. Also – I cannot remember where we got to with Bran and the whole vibe of “it was all a dream” or whatever. Remember that shit? It was like did he just warg all over the joint and ruin the future or something?
JOSIE: There was a fleeting image of him in the trailer, but I must confess I had a micro-sleep upon seeing his face and did not screenshot it.
MEL: I don’t know! I forgot and also I don’t care! His plot line is too much for me, it’s like fucken Inception upon Inception.
JOSIE: It’s too complicated for my tiny brain, that is filled up with all the asses of the men Daenerys has boned! There’s no room for boring storylines, sorry.
MEL: All I know is – I’m keen as shit for this season I have been forced to wait 393620 years for.
JOSIE: Now I know how Friend Zone feels, it’s been a long time coming!
Josie and Mel will be recapping this (absolutely epic) season of Game Of Thrones each week, so please come back because they’re desperate for approval and attention. In the meantime, they have an equally batshit podcast – All Aussie Mystery Hour – that you can tune into. Check it out on iTunes, Spotify, or below: