Watch Fergie Butcher The US National Anthem With Bizzarely Sultry Rendition

Ok, here’s the thing. I don’t know a whole lot about basketball, and definitely not the NBA. I do, however, know when someone is singing so terribly that you can just tell all the dogs in a 5km radius are howling. I know how Star-Spangled Banner is meant to sound, and this is absolutely not it.

I present to you, Fergie – who we all know as being one part of Black Eyed Peas, and also for being ~fergalicious~ in the past – performing a rendition of the U.S. national anthem that is slowed down so much that I can barely recognise what’s happening.

Entering the NBA All Stars to applause and accolades over the PA, Fergie begins her performance and it’s…wow yeah ok it’s really something.

Ok now that you’ve had time to digest that, let’s discuss.

Accompanied at first by only what sounds like a snare being lazily hit with a brush, Fergie launches into a very jazzy version of a song that’s usually belted out with gusto.

I’ll be honest, the first little bit of the first line sounds not too bad, but as soon as her vocals begin to dip into her classic bluesy, nasal tone, she loses it. Whatever it is, it’s gone. And it’s up to everyone in that space that’s worthy of being filmed by the roving cameras to not laugh. Not even a wry smile.

This is the national anthem, people. It’s no laughing matter, even if the song is being destroyed right in front of your eyes.

Look at Chance The Rapper, he can barely keep in his quiet laughter as Fergie tries to transform a symbol of patriotic honour into something that sounds like a sultry b-side ofWhere Is The Love?‘ Snoop Dogg, however, is just trying to keep a straight face.

In the actual All Stars lineup, Draymond Green is caught trying to maintain his composure, which causes the audience to laugh and in turn makes Green laugh at the whole ridiculousness of Fergie making the national anthem sound like some kind of horny, breathy song that Marylin Munroe once sung to a certain Mr President.

Naturally, Twitter had a fucking field day with Fergie’s performance, and in a way, are we not all Draymond Green trying to figure out wtf just happened?

Sorry to have brought this terrible rendition into your lives, because you sure as hell won’t be able to un-hear it. I’m so sorry.