A maltese-shihtzu cross, a Bra Boy, three comedians my mum likes from Spicks & Specks and a half a dozen stomachs reined in by an invisible corset of fear and regret have come together as one to form the cast of Channel Seven’s Celebrity Splash, all hoping they might be the one to 2 and ½ somersault with 2 and ½ twists in the piked position their way into celebrity diving’s very short history, and in doing so, break the still waters of our hearts.

Stretching both garish lycra outfits and the definition of celebrity to its limits much like this year’s cast of Celebrity Apprentice, the cast of Celebz Splash includes (left to right):

  • A blonde woman with a maniacal smile
  • The guy from Fat Pizza [Paul Fenech]
  • The guy my mum likes from Spicks & Specks [fabulous edition, Adam Richard]
  • A woman suffering from acute abdominal pain
  • A blonde woman with a maniacal smile
  • A Josh Thomas
  • Zinc spokesperson Andrew Symonds 
  • Juddy Edelsten, a wealthy socialite
  • A yappy high-maintanence maltese-shihtzu cross [Brynne Edelsten]
  • Leisel Jones go you good thing!
  • My Brother’s Keeper [Koby Abberton]
  • I don’t know who that is
  • A cute lil comedian my mum likes [Middle-aged woman from Spicks & Specks edition, Denise Drysdale]
  • Someone hired specifically because they’ll look good in a Speedo
  • The Killer Abz of Tamsyn Lewis

Faces to whom I can’t confidently allocate a name include Demi Harman, Andrew Welsh, Laura Csortan, Renae Ayris, Nick Bracks. Maybe you can help?

Sensing the collective confusion of the nation, executive producer Steve Murray has come to the defence of his cast:

“There’s their image. Then there’s their body image, not to mention the fear factor. If it goes wrong the reality is it’s extremely dangerous. It’s asking a lot of our talent,” said Murray.

Olympic gold medalist Matthew Mitcham has long been rumoured to take on either a hosting or mentor role for the competitors, who each week will perform a complicated routine in front of a live audience. 

I for one would like to commend the contestants for having the chutzpah to fall with pretend grace from great heights into a large body of water in front of million[s] of people. That takes extreme courage, a great deal of skill and an upsetting lack of self-awareness. 

Gentlemen, God bless your drawstrings.

via SMH