There’s a lot to be said for allowing publishers to show vaginas that haven’t been photoshopped to oblivion.
Demystifying the vagina, for one; removing the power of the male gaze to deem all but one type of vagina ‘appropriate’, for another; and finally, to ensure a poor, sweet, young & innocent Matthew McConaughey didn’t think it was literally flipped at a 90 degree angle.
In a new interview with Playboy, the 47-year-old actor described how, age 15 or 16, it took him approximately three hours of fooling around with a girl (for the first time) to learn that the vagina doesn’t face “east-west”.
But first, let’s back it up a bit. In this v. up close and personal interview, McConaughey describes how he first learnt about sex.
I think I was 14 when Dad and I had our birds-and-bees talk. He goes, “Hey, buddy, drop your pants. Let’s see what you got. Okay, now these right here? They’re what really make a baby. And this little guy is where the semen comes out. I’m sure the old shower head’s hit it a few times when you were playing with yourself and it felt great.” It was a man-to-man, son-to-dad talk. It was really cool and kind of took taboos off things.
Well, okay, removal of taboos is great. Personally I would have preferred any method of learning about sex which didn’t involve stripping off, but okay. This lead Playboy to ask what advice McConaughey’s dad gave him about women (you need this to understand the next bit).
I remember [my dad] saying, “There’s going to come a time when you’re with a girl and your hands are going to start up here and then they’re going to move down to the lower parts. Anywhere along that line you feel the smallest resistance, any tension, go no further, which is when the girl is probably going to want you to go a little further. Don’t. The next time you get together, if you still like each other, you’re both comfortable with it and don’t feel that resistance, it’s okay to go a little further.” My first time getting with a girl below the waist, it took me about an hour to get from up here to down there.
And folks, that brings us to this whole “east-west” fiasco. Playboy asked McConaughey if the hour it took him to get “down there” was due to resistance, when it actually turned out to be more of an orienteering problem.
No, because all I’d ever seen was Playboy photos of women standing up that I had hidden in the barn across the neighbourhood. They never exposed labia and stuff, so I always thought the vagina faced east-west. I got there and I’m like, Where is it? The next four inches down took me longer than the first hour, because now I’m going, Uh-oh, have I skipped it? Three hours later, I learned that it faces north-south and she was like, “Come on, come on.” I was wonderfully, innocently misinformed.
The first time you get into contact with another person’s genitals can be confusing, sure, but holy-mother-of-god this is another level. One can only hope that the hardcore porn kids are supposedly watching from the age of eight will teach them which way it sits. Or, you know, Sex Ed.
Photo: Getty / Jason Merritt.
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