Being Lara Bingle Episode 04: Live Blog

Haters gonna hate but the Bingle Lara Being Ep04 live blog will kick off in T-Minus Matt Preston.

Tonight we bored (spelling intentional) a plane to Hollywood with Bingle & Co. Will Laz make it in the neighbourhood? How could it hurt her when it looks so good? I don’t actually have any answers to these questions. They’re just Madonna lyrics. Bongle pls!

8:10 – “Hollywood, Hollywood, Hollywood!” says the opening music to tonight’s erpiserd. Ugh. Let’s do this.

Last week, HERMY1 burnt the filthy wax out of Lara’s ears, revealed her sexy indiscretions with Brongle and faked like she couldn’t be Lara’s carer anymore. It was really devastating. Now that you know everything that’s been happening: [Scene 1] – Lara stares glumly into the bottom of a stemless whine glass (spelling intentional) with a tea-bag in it. That is the oldest trick in the book Laz! As a fellow fauxcoholic I like how she thinks!

8:13 – Hermoid is “relinquishing control” of Lara to the Tailor Maid PR gurus, who must sleep in Fendi furs. LOL. Vyle Sandilands is on screen. No comment.

8:14 – Shiiiyet is People’s Revolution PR Maven Kelly Cutrone going to guest star on this ep? She is such a lovely person. I really admire her work ethic. Please don’t ban me from New York, Kel!

Back at BHQ, Lara is trying to do an Indian accent that came across more as an Irish person with a speech impediment and that is not okay. She’s revealing the details of her email friendship with her India-based friend – whose name I missed? Jason! – who she befriended on the other end of a Vodafone customer call. He was all like “are you Michael Clarke’s girlfriend” and she was like “nup.” Aaand I guess this is the impetus for Lara’s impending trip to Indie-r! I’m convinced!

8:22 – Love an airport! (Shout out E&G!) Right now we’re #luxe-ing it up at the airp (read: boozing) and – MAX MAY ALERT! Ergh. Hey Max May. It turns out Laz met her official boyfriend of season one Gareth Moody on Facebook. Lara maintains that she has known Girth since his Tsubi days, but if Herms and MaMa have any idea – and I’m not sure they do – they beg to differ. Hey there Air New Zealand – you sure do have some nice-looking empty planes! Those sly producers have cleverly worked in some cross-promo for ANZ, which corresponds nicely with Lara’s upcoming trip to New Zealand to sleep in an igloo or something. I can’t wait for that episode.

8:24 – “Hollywood/Hollywood/Hollywood ending/I can’t love you like I should/Like I should” – whoever wrote the score for tonight’s episode: ferk you! That was dreadful!

8:25 – We’re in a meeting with a well-oiled LA manager type. He’s using words like “profile” and “brand” and “contacts” (note to self: work on “brand“). This guy is a laugh a minute! Kidding. I bet he smells like money.*

8:27 – Lara is beefing up her portfolio wearing some Star of David pyjamas with polka-dot palazzo pants. Fershunz. Bingle is clearly make a grab for the attention of Hollywood’s incredibly powerful Jewish community, who, according to all the movies I’ve seen about Hollywood, are incredibly powerful. A wise career move on Bing’s part – not just a pretty face, hey Le Bing! Heads up: you might want to get in touch with Harvey Weinstein – I heard he is a good “contact” to make and can do wonders for your “profile“. You’re welcome gurl!

8:32 – Holy Mother of God! That was an ad for THE SHIRE! Too bad I had it on mute. Sorry. I’m only just realising how many exclamation marks I’m using. I read once (on the internet, not in a book) that you’re allowed to use one exclamation mark in your whole career, so I guess I’ve used up all of yours too. Sorry, but I’m not!

8:33 – It’s a party in the USA, y’all! Top down, driving down the Cali coastline, a serious problem is developing with J-Bing. Something to do with Bassike track pants. Sorry, that’s all I heard. I’ve stopped watching in favour of replaying that Miley Cyrus video in my head.

8:40 – Hey guys, just Skyping with Shaz on the iPad. That’s pretty New Age of Sharon: a good effort, 7/10 Apples. Skype is awkward at the best of times, but this is awkward on a whole other level because Lara is incapable of making eye contact with anyone who doesn’t have perpetually mussy hair and a butt load of Ellery (read: anyone who isn’t her). Pretty sure she’s looking at herself on the internal camera on her iPhone mid-Skype.

8:42 – This better be The House of Cutrone we’re going into now.

Nup. Just looking at Real Estate with some super cool LA real estate agent. More like Dramality Estate (amirite?) because THERE IS NOTHING REAL ABOUT THIS. This house has a toilet that talks to you, which is super important and will suit Lara just fine as somebody who “spends half my life on the toilet.” Picture that! That’s the kind of mental image you can’t unsee.

The rent is pretty steep, I didn’t quite catch the amount – it was probably like a billion dolans – but that’s why you have the Eyeworks Production company and Network Ten/Gina Rine<3 paying for it, right Le Bong!? Wait, is this over already?

8:46 – NCIS has some funky theme music guys!

Well, after live-blogging three episodes of BLB, the swift ending still catches me by surprise every time. I don’t have any dreadful hair-removal analogies for you this week because my heating has just switched to “not hot” and – coupled with the trauma that has just been inflicted on my already limited word bank – I can no longer be here in the moment with you. In parting, here is my gift to the three of you! Until next week…

*Topical ointments