Being Lara Bingle Episode 03: Live Blog

10.6% of tonight’s episode of Being Lara Bingle is proudly brought to you by Gina Rinehart. Live Blog EP03 (quick! Catch up on the story so far here) will kick off in approximately five minutes, after that nasal mole on MasterChef loses the immunity challenge.

8:07 – Lara appears to have woken her supervisor Hermione Underwood from sleep wearing The Goot and The Hat. This week is going to be especially tough for Lara as it’s the anniversary of her Dad’s death. I don’t want to crack jokes anymore. My TV has switched to black and white so everything is feeling very French New Wave right now. There’s all this Godard-esque use of the camera. You know, like off-kilter angles and stuff.

8:10 – “We’re going to suck the wax out of Lara’s ears.” Says Hermione. This is some Fear Factor shit right here. “Did they find any brains?” says my staunchly Bingle-opposed Dad. What the fuck is going on? Is that crackling the wax melting in Lara’s ears or is that just my Nouvelle Vague era television?

8:16 – Bearer of bad news, Brother Bingle, tells Lara that ex-BF Michael Clarke married a horse . “G2G I don’t really care” says World’s Most Supportive Bro. Bingle is on her way to a Swisse Vitamin event, a brand fronted by my other favourite blonde on television, Delts Goodrem (no typo). “I’m aware of all my exes” says our heroine – but just how many are there Laz? I want to see more Delta. There’s someone I can get on board with.*

8:19 – This is fun. We’re watching a show about Lara reading magazines about herself. I told you this was on par with Godard. #meta

8:20 – Here’s some more highly-doctored flirtation between Josh and Hermione. These two have about as much sexual tension as something with absolutely no sexual tension. Let’s say a 9-piece bucket of fried chicken, or a Stepsils commercial between two animated characters with influenza. Sexy.

8:26 – Okay so, we’re back in the kitchen and Joshmione are revealing their sordid sexual scandals to Lara. Lara has a lovely, albeit gigantic, mouth – all the better for feigning disbelief with. But not to worry – it’s “all fine now” says Josh, because the dim-witted duo “are like brother and sister now.” And that makes everything all okay.

8:28 – The ever-mussy haired Lara is dealing with car troubles again, including who gets to ride shotgun with Sharron. Let’s face it, who wouldn’t want to ride shotty with Shazza?! She’s the unsung hero of this show. I spoke too soon – here’s Nana fecking Bingle and her adorable hubby, whose name I didn’t catch! I like Lara’s oversize sweatshirt. It’s very #sportsluxe (Pedestrian joke – hey guys!)

8:31 – Another fucking ad break.

8:35Pop Bingle has a shrivelled up tattoo, which is an apt metaphor for this show. Lara is asking her Pop – who’d have to be kicking on 80 – about his history of sexual indiscretions, making for some truly wholesome family entertainment.

8:37 – Artsy close up on a paper-knife (is that what they’re called?). Prediction: Hermione will stab Lara, Lady Macbeth-style, before calling in Gay BFF Max May to artfully conceal her ‘damn spot‘. Hermione produces a stack of bills about the size of my love for this show (huge and extremely taxing).

8:39Hermy1 is having a srs D&M with Lara about their future together as a manager/BFF combo. We all know this is BS because we’re probably – for the most part – a little bit more intelligent that the producers of this show are willing to give us credit for (if you don’t take into consideration the existence of this live blog).

8:40 – And it’s over. This show is like the Brazilian Wax of reality television. It’s quick, it’s painful, there’s very little natural hair and you’re left feeling naked, violated and probably left to combat some unseemly rash afterward. I’ve never actually had a Brazilian but this is exactly how I feel. If you have had some kind of major hair removal procedure (laser, perhaps?) and have an opinion on the use of this dreadful analogy and any similarities that may exist with the show, please feel free to post your thoughts below. I’d also invite the hirsute among you to do the same. Until next week (maybe?)

*Hate on using only Arcade Fire song titles