Oh hi you guys. So you’ve obviously heard that Being Lara Bingle begins tonight so you decided to join me (or else you’re reading this tomorrow, after the fact, in which case you need to leave because you weren’t there! You don’t get it!). Being Lara Bingle is actually an anagram of ”in genial gabbler”, an apropos description of how I’ll approach tonight’s live blog. It will definitely contain frequent gabbling – rapid, low muttering or quacking sounds – and I’ll certainly try to be as genial as possible, although I can’t promise I’ll be entirely genial because I just inhaled spicy lamb curry and now have reflux. Let’s begin…
7:55pm: The show hasn’t started yet but I have been watching MasterChef while waiting for it to start. I felt a little bit embarrassed when everyone started crying and speaking in tongues when Jamie Oliver walked into the room. He’s obviously a delightful chap and has done incredible things for food but he’s not Samuel L Jackson or anyone really worth spazzing out over right?
8:06pm: Guys MasterChef is STILL on and it’s now past 8 o’clock. If someone from Channel 10 was in my lounge room right now I’d be saying passive aggressive comments such as “ho ho! It’s not like I need my beauty sleep! Luckily I didn’t make any plans for later tonight hey!” With those slitty eyed smiles you give your frenemy.
8:08pm: “Frenemy”. Sorry you guys.
8:11pm: It’s on! “May contain nudity” – YEW!
8:13pm: To start off with we’re meeting all the main players in the show. Lara’s mum Sharon, her brother Joshua and best friend/manager Hermione. Lara is moving into a rocking pad with her bro. She and Josh are wearing synchronised black upacking outfits, except Lara is also wearing a Josh Goot jacket. Mate! I move in the rags I will later use for dusting. V glam.
8:15pm: Sharon seems to be a bit of a ball buster which is terrific. “It’s always about you isn’t it, Lara” she says sarcastically. Oooh missus!
8:17pm: Okay, so the place they’ve moved into at Bondi is bullshit amazing with 270 degree views of the beach. The show’s central quartet of Sharon, Josh, Lara and Hermione are having a housewarming dinner of Vietnamese, champagne and Perrier water. Shaz is busting Joshua’s balls about sneaking some girl out of the apartment the other day. I wish Sharon would invite me over for a cuppa and a fag.
8:20pm: The theme music is really confusing. I can’t figure out what the singer is spelling? Can’t they just use a Katy Perry hit like MasterChef?
8:23pm: Lara is off for a Bowel Cancer charity event. Her dad died from the disease and with Lara as a self confessed “Daddy’s girl” it’s a cause that’s very “close to her heart:.
8:23pm: MAX MAY ALERT.
8:24pm: Okay so Max Max is Lara’s numero uno makeup man and another of her closest friends. I am predicting he will bring LOLs – intentional or otherwise.
8:27pm: After hair and makeup with Max, Lara is being pulled over by plain clothes police for driving in the bus lane. And Lara has a suspended license. Lara you tit! We’ve gone to an ad break on this cliff hanger!…
8:32pm: Hermione asks Lara if she definitely has a license. “I’m pretty sure I have a license,” says Lara sounding like she isn’t sure at all. Hermione is all eye rolling and “I can’t believe this”. She’s a hard ass! As it turns out, Lara’s license is indeed suspected. Hermione is all head shaking and “why am I not surprised”.
8:35pm: Lara’s off to hang out with Camilla and Marc (of Camilla and Marc). Meanwhile, back at the Bondi manse, Hermione and Joshua are getting super flirty-flirt over some grocery shopping. You know when you really like someone in high school and you give them shit as a sign of affection? Bingo.
8:40pm: Hermione has just been informed that there’s full frontal nude pics of Lara hanging out on her balcony. She shows them to Lara who looks at them casually and says “they’re very confronting”. Hermione is immediately all over her case. “It’s a lesson and you don’t have the privacy you had [in Lara’s other home],” Hermione admonishes firmly.
8:43pm: OH SHIT. Here we go: Nan is on the phone to Lara and she is “disgusted. I don’t know what’s got into your mind, you’ve just gone backwards love.” Now I know where Sharon gets it! Amirite!
8:45pm: It’s over. Being Lara Bingle is already over. That went quickly – right? I felt like so much happened in so little time that I could barely keep up. Maybe after the intensity required to set the scene and introduce the main characters for the first episode they can develop the stronger story arcs in the coming episodes. What did you think? Will you be back for more? Did you notice that weight loss ad featuring Toadfish Rubecki?
I’ll sign out with the Being Lara Bingle theme song which I now know is “Bop Girl” by Pat Wilson, thanks to my cousin Lucy. Features an early cameo from Nicole Kidman.