‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Ok None Of These Couples Are Making It On The Outside

In what feels like the blink of an eye (because it is, this show literally ran for a few weeks), Bachelor In Paradise is almost over. We’ve got one episode to go in which we’ll see which couples are going to commit to a FULL LIFE TOGETHER FOREVER.

[jwplayer cYRrlbK0]

Tonight we saw Zoe and Mack leave solo, discovering after one kiss that they had no chemistry. Caroline and American Alex also left – but as a couple, flying back to the USA to make babies, I hope. The remaining couples: Alex/Bill, Jules/Alisha, Tenille/Nathan and Flo/Davey are TBC. As always, me (Mel, Senior Style & Features Editor) and Josie (Head Of Editorial) are here to recap what went down.

MEL: So we’re in the home stretch, and somehow Zoe and Mack are still here. Why? How? Why and how, Josie? They have no chemistry and that is very clear, and yet still Zoe wants to kiss Mack in the most uncomfortable display of PDA I’ve ever had to witness.

*sound of fizzling like when you put a match in water*

JOSIE: Oh my god it was like a car crash in that it was truly horrifying yet my eyes were absolutely GLUED to it. Glued. The sound effects were horrific. There was more convincing chemistry in my Year 10 science class. My lord. Also him following this kiss by being like “That was good, thanks for that!”. What, was he complimenting her for the nice bolognese she whipped up?

MEL: It was so bizarre. Also how she was all “we should see if there’s chemistry” and eyebrow-wiggled at him basically, and he’s like “ok” and just sips his red wine. Make a move then, Mack? Christ. Anyway – wild awkward scenes when she felt zero and he was basically buying an engagement ring.

JOSIE: She bewitched him with her mouth! The day after the rose ceremony was just like, therapy hour. It was so bleak, all these women just complaining: “he doesn’t look at me, he doesn’t kiss me until the cameras are on, he doesn’t give me anything”. It was most depressing vibe that even several large daiquiris couldn’t fix.

MEL: I just feel like all of these couples have very, very serious problems. Which we can get into properly soon – but I have to say first that I am not sad that Mack and Zoe decided to leave as single people because, DER, they barely knew each other and shouldn’t even still be here. But Caroline and American Alex? I’m totally rooting for them. Please go back to America as the cute couple you are and make cute American babies.

“let’s go buy a house with an American flag out front or whatever American happy couples do”

JOSIE: I’m rooting for them to root, let’s put it that way. But also the way she was describing why she liked American Alex wasn’t very inspiring. She was just like “He’s very kind and he makes me feel safe.” What is he, her security guard? Not very romantic. Also how much was that the producers just being like “Yeah nah we can’t fly your families to Fiji for this episode so please exit quietly stage left.”

MEL: Hahahaha absolutely. They definitely asked them to leave so they didn’t have to fork out cross-globe flights for Aunty Susie or whatever. Anyway! So the producers did fly in the Aussie relos and mates of the remaining couples, which was a TIME. First up – Davey’s dad.

JOSIE: OMG Robert. He was really leaning into the Fijian Holiday Dad vibe. To be honest I feel like his eyes were glazing over every time Davey talked about his relationship dilemmas because he was just thinking about being back on his pool lounger at the Marriott with an ice cold stubbie and the latest Peter FitzSimons book. Same, tbh – not the second part but just because Davey and Flo is such a nothing relationship. We’ve seen zero plotline there and suddenly they’re all cut up about whether it will work or not.

“son is this gonna take long I ordered room service nachos and I reckon they’re getting cold”

MEL: I’m also same tbh about the second part – Marriott pool with the latest Fitzy sounds like a dream compared to sitting in the grey sludge talking to your idiot son about his lukewarm relationship. I couldn’t understand Davey and Flo’s issue, it seemed to be partially that the “sex drive” was gone (???) and partly that Davey was scared of commitment? Meanwhile Flo flew out Steph from her season of The Bachelor, and I legit thought it was her sister. They look the same, no?

JOSIE: Oh my god they were like twins! It took us ages to figure out it was actually Steph, ha. My favourite part was her reaction to Flo’s revelation that Davey doesn’t really kiss her or flirt with her:

excuse the fuck me

We all need a friend that completely biased in our favour. So basically Davey was still in turmoil and then his dad offered some sage advice about following his heart or whatever and then just wandered into the wilderness, probably forever. RIP Robert, nice to know you.

“Sail Away” by Enya plays as Robert drifts into eternity

MEL: Then we moved on to Alex and Bill. I have no idea how Alex is still not aware that Bill is a demon, but here we are. She brought her mum to Paradise though as her voice of reason, and Mama Nation is NOT a fucking idiot, is she. I feel like she saw right through Bill’s smarmy toothy grin.

JOSIE: Alex’s mum was a real vibe. What about how he just told a bald-faced LIE to her about dating a woman with a kid in the past! Caught on camera, yet again. I don’t know why I’m shocked because it’s Bill and he’s a demon, but he gives me the heebie-jeebies so much. As you pointed out while we were watching, the way lies come to quickly and easily to him is a little unsettling.

MEL: That’s exactly why he’s a demon – because he is just the most unruffled liar I’ve ever seen on TV. It’s like he has no remorse about blindly telling fibs. Unbelievable.

JOSIE: The way Alex was describing Bill, as a “charmer”, saying “they know what you want to hear, they can read the situation, they always have an answer, they can twist things to suit them” was so weird. As a true crime fan I’m like… doll, you do realise you’re actually describing a sociopath, right?

MEL: Right??? Also – cannot with how Alex was basically throwing up over the decision to say “I love you” on camera to Bill or not. Here’s two things – one, I do not think you can fall in love with someone after 2 weeks on a camera-laden reality show, and two – you could just… not say it on camera and say it in private when you get back to Melbs. Juuust a thought.

JOSIE: I know! What was the turmoil here? Just… don’t say it? It’s fine! She was so cut up about it she almost hurled. How’s when she roped the producer into coming to squat down next to her and listen to her ridiculous reasoning. You can tell he was just like: “Can we wrap this up doll, my legs are falling asleep.”

MEL: That producer was every girl’s boyfriend when they take them to meet their friends, and there’s one drunk friend who corners the poor guy to wail about their sad love life and he’s just like:

“mmmm yeah I don’t know why he texted you but then didn’t text you a second time”

Anyway, such a cliffhanger, my god, leaving it on Alex debating her ILY convo. Also fun fact I just realised we forgot about Nathan and Tenille – probably because they are BORING AS A COUPLE amirite? Anyway, their whole “issue” hinged on if Nathan’s just playing the game – Tenille thought he only wanted to kiss her when the cameras were rolling. i, however, think the more pressing issue is this – has Nathan gotten so tan on this island that he’s morphed into his final form – this doughnut packaging.

tell us we’re wrong

JOSIE: The resemblance is uncanny. Pro tip for Tenille: try dating this $2 bag of donuts from Coles because they will be much more sweet and rewarding than Nathan. Shall we move onto the biggest trash fire of them all, Alisha and Jules? I find this TV relationship so painful to witness.

MEL: It just elicits this noise from me every time I think about it: “UGHHHHHHHH”. Because Jules is just SUCH a fuckboy now! Like how did he become such a dick so quickly?

JOSIE: I’m going to throw this out there Mel: he’s more toxic than the sludge. But it was honestly such a vibe when Alisha was telling her friend Hannah all about him. Hannah’s reaction was as if she’d copped a whiff of said sludge. She was off it before even meeting the guy and things went even more downhill once she did.

MEL: Omg yessss Hannah was such a MOOD. “I’ve had friends where guys have said ‘I’m not in the right place for me’ but what they really mean is ‘I’m not in the right place for you’” fuck, she was Brene Brown of Fiji.

JOSIE: How was my mind absolutely MELTING when she said that? Where was Hannah when I was single, that’s what I want to know. Also how lol was it when Jules tried to tell her that he and Alisha were at the “crossroad of ambiguity”.

I’ll tell you where you can put your umbrella of ambiguity

MEL: SO GOOD, I want Hannah to follow me around and just give me the straight, wise word whenever I’m going to do dumb shit, that’s what I want in life. What a PAL. But I’ll say this, even Jules’ mate Jimmy was on the money. He had no issue telling Alisha that Jules was flaky as fuck and needed to be put in his place, huh.

JOSIE: At one point were were hoping Alisha would just toss this whole thing aside and run off with Jimmy. But in the end she decided to “put the hard word” on Jules, which she’d gently been trying to do for about 4 episodes at this point. But this time it was legitimately an ultimatum, like “if we’re just ‘mates’ then I’m leaving”. Which really just takes his “umbrella of ambiguity” and tosses it into a roadside bin, doesn’t it?

MEL: Guess we’ll be finding out tomorrow!

Want more Mel and Josie? Read their Game Of Thrones recaps here, or listen to their true crime/mystery podcast, All Aussie Mystery Hour.