It’s almost the finish line for Bachelor In Paradise, guys, and honestly I’m too tired to do an intro for you. Do you even read them! No! Let’s just do this thing.

Everyone is soooo happy guys, they’re soooo happy in Paradise! Loved up, loved up, loved UUUUP. Even Mia, who reckons no one could turn her eye from Scot. The man she has known for 24 hours.

even if prince harry split with meghan and walked through that floating door, I would NOT

As Keira is telling Kiki every stage of her laser hair removal process (seriously), Osh walks in! He tells everyone that a) there are no more single people coming into Paradise and b) they all have to prove their love by building an escapee raft!

plot twist you can only leave if your raft carries you back to Australia

The news of no newbies has thrown Keira, who looks as disappointed as I was when I found out McFlurries don’t do the mixy thing anymore.

what do you mean you just scoop the topping and leave it for me to do the work

Alex just looks like his usual “haha yeah just cruising ay yiew!” self, to be honest.

haha yiew *shakas*

Keira’s done. She sits down with Alex for a chat outside his demountable, saying she’s made an executive decision that she’s leaving Paradise and therefore he is too. He genuinely couldn’t give two shits whether he stays or goes, which is the baseline attitude of all men dating in 2020!

I actually felt like in another world, Alex and Keira would have suited each other – he’s so happy-go-lucky which was a nice balance for her, since she’s quite firm on what she wants and likes etc. Ah well.

We literally just… don’t see them again. Bye, I guess!

The next thing we’re choofed off to is the raft-building. But there is a secret old man on the island!

what is this, a Broadchurch crossover

He’s been watching them secretly on a TV set up outdoors, which seems brave considering how often it rains in this place. It’s also mildly creepy, especially because he’s wearing a starched white shirt, which for some reason screams “evil CEO of multi-national business with a dark underbelly of criminal activity”, especially given he’s in a tropical paradise. Don’t all those evil CEOs reside in the Canary Islands or something?

Anyway, all a bit weird but lets go with it. He’s watching the couples because he’s a body language expert (sure you are, evil CEO).

He says Alisha and Glenn have great communication and seem to be operating as a team, oblivious to everyone else. A good sign! Glad my friend isn’t with a secret sociopath according to Shirty!

On the other hand, he says Renee is too focused on how she’s perceived by others, and isn’t really communicating with Matt. In news that surprises none of us, Renee’s focus is on Ciarran and Kiki and what they’re doing.

yeah babe you’re doing great tie that thingy there

Speaking of Ciarran and Kiki, Renee was worried they were winning. They totally are, because Ciarran seems to have a very niche talent of “tying bamboo sticks together well”.

yeah ok i might go grab a daiquiri then

Shirty says that Ciarran is an alpha male at the detriment of his partner – he just gets things done and doesn’t consult Kiki. I’m gonna just put this out there – I don’t think Kiki gave two shits about being involved and honestly, if my dude made a raft that tight I’d probably just let him do it, too.

My favourite moment by far is seeing Mary just give up when Scot and Mia win, telling Conor to stop building their raft which she was reluctantly half-building anyway.

fuckin YES time for some nachos

GUYS. I panicked because I jumped ahead a bit just to save time, and landed on Osher yelling HOMICIDE while standing next to Shirty.

SURPRISE WE BROUGHT YOU A SERIAL KILLER!

I rewound though and it turns out Shirty SOLVED 81 homicides or whatever using his psychic powers. I know for a fact that Alisha’s a true crime obsessive so I like to this this cut-to was her thinking “ok do we get to have him at the bula banquet though I have QUESTIONS.”

come here Shirty I’ll buy you a beer, now can you tell me about your first homicide case

Everyone is a bit nervy about Shirty, probably because he stands around like this at all times.

*stares in judgement*

First up are Mary and Conor. Mary tells Shirty that she’s scared of her relationship with Conor because she’s been hurt in the past and is wary of being hurt again. When Shirty asks Conor if he’s ready to be a stepdad to Mary’s kid, he doesn’t hesitate to say yes. I think that means he won the challenge.

phew coz i legitimately wet myself

Next are Scot and Mia, which is just fucking hilarious to me the two met A DAY AGO. I don’t know how many Bachie years have passed here but it cannot be more than a few days.

Shirty presses Mia for answers on her “hesitation” about the relationship, and she mentions the very normal concern that Scot’s never had a girlfriend before, so does he have commitment issues. The LOL part to me is when Shirty asks Scot whether he is A HUNDRED PERCENT COMMITTED TO MIA.

ummmmm i don’t even know her last name yet

The guy has literally been with this woman for less time than the soup I plan to eat for dinner’s been in the fridge. If he was 100% certain, I’d be alarmed.

Anyway Scot gets like a 2/10 from Shirty, not that he’s scoring them just like the vibe of the thing.

Next is Alisha on her own. As soon as Shirty asks her about Glenn she’s all giddy and giggly, which he attributes to her being super into him. He’s all “you’re glowing as you talk about him!” but I, an expert on body language as of right this minute, have decided she is actually just excited to be around such a TRUE CRIME MONOLITH.

do you know where Harold Holt is, I bet you do

It comes as no surprise to learn that Glenn and Alisha pass with flying colours. My gal isn’t dating a secret sociopath!! Hooray! Shirty says in all his years of interviewing people, he’s surprised to say they have NO problems. They are perfect. They walk off into the night as smunty as I would be if I was told I had a perfect, problem-free relationship.

*hug in smunty*

Meanwhile, Renee is shitting herself and like honestly, same? I am shitting myself FOR these people. She says everything I would be thinking – this Shirty guy WORKED FOR THE FBI. Is he going to say she’s emotionally unavailable or some other catastrophic brain glitch that will mean she’ll be alone forever!!

will he know about that time I stole five milky bars from the servo when I was 7

Before we see Renee and Matt get holes bored into them with Shirty’s eyes, Alisha drops a bombshell on us. See, she rooms with Renee and she’s found a ring. It’s an $800 custom piece Renee has gotten made, it has the date she met Ciarran engraved on the band, it is a LOT. And she’s brought it to Paradise to give to him.

Alisha, like all of us, is extreme levels of WTF.

WHAT IS HAPPENING

First, Matt chats to Shirty. He’s all nah, I’m not jealous of Ciarran but also they split up super recently so I have some concerns.

i am not jealous and by not jealous I mean I only cry once a day

Then Renee sits down with Shirty. He asks her if she still has feelings for Ciarran, and she says she did but doesn’t anymore. But she also tells him she’s avoided getting to physical with Matt in public because she doesn’t want to be the ex that does that in front of their ex. Shirty seems to think this is all a big warning alarm.

Then it’s Ciarran’s turn. I feel like he chose a very garish outfit today to throw off Shirty.

can’t see my body language secrets if you’re blinded from my shirt!!!!

WOOF this was a dog’s breakfast, guys. Ciarran was clearly already on the defensive, which is understandable given Shirty is fucking terrifying. But he was also hedging around everything – from the get go, when Shirty asked him why he came on the show, CIARRAN shoots himself in the foot by being all “well it wasn’t to be a celebrity or influencer.” Buddy, he didn’t ask you that but now all we can think is that WAS your reasoning.

I only have 70,657 followers ok

He gets so worked up by the questions he goes more red than I thought was humanly possible.

he’s so red it’s created an unexpected cheekbone highlight for him

We cut back to Renee, who is chatting with Mary and Alisha. She tells them they only broke up a WEEK before she flew to Fiji, which is insanity. It makes more sense as to why she keeps being all “well he’s not coming back to me now lol” – I thought they split ages ago.

Then it’s time for Kiki and Ciarran to face Shirty together. Kiki gives Ciarran this like pep talk, saying they need to say this or that coz it “looks good on TV” hahahaha. Oh man. The producers are really doing this cast dirty this year, hey.

Kiki is far more controlled than Ciarran in front of Shirty, but it’s not looking good for them. Shirty reckons their relationship will run its course and they’ll split eventually.

Every time Shirty speaks Kiki looks nice and friendly and then right at the end looks like she wants to rip his head off.

do not RUIN THIS FOR ME

When Ciarran gets back, he’s ropeable. He walks off and you hear some banging and crashing. When he comes back, he wants to chat with Renee. They head off with fresh margies, and you can pinpoint the moment when Matt’s heart splits in two.

ok i cry twice a day about it

Renee spends most of their convo looking skeptical as fuck and wishing for it to be over.

can we wrap this up my margy ice is melting

It turns out a big part of the betrayal she feels is around Ciarran and Cass having a sorta thing. She tells us to camera how she’s just really fucked up because she made this $800 ring with Cass, so why would Ciarran go for her friend? I also feel like the question is, what kinda shitty friend willingly accepts the advances of your ex when she designed A VERY EXPENSIVE RING TO CELEBRATE YOUR LOVE!!!!

i have some regrets

Then things get super sad. Renee finishes the interview but they leave her mic on. She starts sobbing, and goes to her room.

Alisha goes in to console her, and asks Renee if there was a part of her which was hoping for a reunion. She says she was – because Ciarran told her that’s what would happen.

WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK CIARRAN.

Alisha’s level of controlled rage is literally all of us right now:

“and now he has RUINED my chance of convincing Osh to forgo a rose ceremony and instead have Shirty join us at Bula Banquet”

Ok I’ll control my rage here in the spirit of Alisha BUT.

  1. what the fuck Ciarran, we knew he was primo fuckboy but this is another level. Telling your ex – WHO YOU CHEATED ON MIND YOU – that you’ll be rekindling your love in Paradise, then having her arrive to see you hooking up with her ex-friend, before moving on to dry hump with someone else is pure sociopath shit, surely. No wonder Renee has been guarded as hell this whole time.
  2. I still can’t get past how Cass has custom made this ring with her friend Renee for Renee’s then-boyfriend, charged $800 DOLLARS!!!!! for it!!!! and then shown up in Paradise and immediately started canoodling with said ex. Unbelievable levels of sociopath, I say as absolutely not a psychologist.

Ok, got that off my chest.

I was really angling for Renee to jump on eBay after this episode to sell said $800 ring and make bank, but Alisha encourages her to chuck the ring. I mean, good but also I saw dollar signs baby!!!! In the words of Blu Cantrell, Hit ‘Em Up Style you know? I don’t know because I don’t know what that means but vibes of the song.

But when they actually go to throw the ring it’s very powerful stuff! I totally bought into it with the aggressive intense Lord Of The Rings Battle music and Alisha’s shirt billowing out like some sort of heartbreak superhero.

i can be your zebra print hero baby DOOO DOOOO DOOOO i can take away your pain

While they’re garnering the courage to chuck $1,000 into the ocean (basically), Kiki’s asking everyone what’s going on, and people keep being like IT’S THE RING, THE RING, THE RIIIIING. She’s like what the fuck is The Ring, and Brittney explains it’s a ring Renee brought to give to Ciarran.

Kiki’s heaps dismissive but when Ciarran shows up and she tells him, he explains he already knows about it and you can SEE the cogs working in her brain. I have this theory that Kiki is a whip-smart legend who has just ended up with the wrong dude.

come on Kiki SEE THROUGH THE BULLSHIT BEB

Eventually, Renee throws the ring. Her to camera afterward is so lovely – she seems really free from whatever the Ciarran burden was.

Then Osh arrives. It’s time for this weird rose ceremony where couples have to commit to each other. If they do, the next stage will be meeting fam and friends.

Renee and Matt go for a chat and it’s soooo nice, you can see how focused she now is on their relationship. I AM SO HAPPY FOR HER.

heaven.

Meanwhile, Kiki’s got doubts. I TOLD YOU SHE’S A SECRET GENIUS. She asks Ciarran about the ring but then tells us she’s unsure about him, because if she doesn’t ask – she doesn’t get told.

YOU’RE GETTING THERE GIRL!!!

She tells us that she’s had it with looking like an idiot because Ciarran doesn’t tell her shit and then she finds out after the fact. I love this Kiki? And it looks like tomorrow night her mum goes IN on Ciarran, calling him a lying dog, which is just *kissy fingers* stuff.

Until tomorrow!

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter.