We have arrived at the penultimate episode of Australia’s Next Top Model 2013 and just four girls are left after both Dajana and Jade were turfed from the mix last week. In the hallowed Round Of Four we have Abbie, Melissa, Shanali and Duckie who will compete in a series of challenges, each about equally as complicated as the last, with only their beauty and ability to not fold into themselves like an origami fortune teller in front of the camera like most normal people and tortoises. It kicks off at 7.30pm AEST on FOX8 and we’re live blogging the thing right here.
7:31pm: Jennifer Hawkins, who’s been an increasingly rare presence on the show as the episodes have progressed, reveals there will be TWO photo shoots in tonight’s ep which is great news because it means less screen-time dedicated to the Challenges (AKA inexplicable time sucks that teach the girls pointless ‘skills’ tenuously linked to modelling, such as rugby league drills).
7:33pm: Char Char arrives at Model Manor to the impressively feigned surprise of the gals. Cha Cha Dawes is proud of them etc. She then informs the girls that they will need to pack their bags because they are all leaving the Model House. The contestants react with “ah, scusi? But my manse?” facial expressions, before Cha Cha offloads the next bombshell: they will be doing TWO photo shoots (yeah we already know this) off the coast (yeah… hasn’t every one of their photo shoots been off some coastline?) OF AFRICA. They’re going to Mauritius. Cue screams, jumps and the dispersion of plane tickets. Duckie, who has Sudanese heritage, is especially psyched because she’s never been to the mother land.
7:35pm: For those of you who’ve never been, Mauritius is basically like the Blue Lagoon after it got colonised. The girls are staying at a spacious villa in a resplendent five-star hotel, complete with a personal butler named Feroz. The Model Manor is practically a shanty compared with these heavenly new digs. A barefoot Didier meets the models on a beach and informs them their “destiny is fully and truly in their own hands” which makes me think: ah ha! Clay sculpting Challenge!, before remembering the Next Top Model script adviser loves to keep the dialogue flavored with esoteric fatalism.
7:43pm: The chicks are subsequently ushered onto a speed boat at which point Melissa mentions she’s not a big fan of being in the water. Perfect. They meet Didi floating on a pontoon in the middle of the ocean. Melissa looks grim and borderline vomity. The contestants will be submerged under 11 feet of water wearing large glass 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea style helmets and doing their best runway walk and poses. No idea how this is possible on account of the laws of density and buoyancy and other things that I’m not completely sure are even called ‘laws’. Melissa’s almost complete lack of resolve is wavering into a full-on H2Ohmygod meltdown and tearfully whispers to Didi that she can’t do it.
7:45pm: Bless sweet Didier who gives Melissa an inspirational pep talk that is one “clear eyes, full hearts” short of a Coach Taylor verbal heart-squeezer before the Big Game. Shanali is up first and “does an amazing set of poses”, says Didi. Next is Abbie who dons the fishbowl hat and makes like a jellyfish. “Africans do NOT swim. We run really fast, that’s about it.” announces Duckie shortly before descending into the great blue yonder.
7:48pm: Despite her self-proclaimed genealogical disadvantage Duckie has a fine old time splashing about under the sea with Didi. Melissa fails to sack up and refuses to get in the water. Didi is upset she didn’t step up and face her fears, and frankly I’m a little disappointed too. It’s not like there was any clowns involved.
7:50pm: Back at the resort, the mermoles catch up with Didier and Shanali is anointed winner of the Challenge and gets a luxe Mauritius Massage (MauMa) for her troubles. Jealous.
7:54pm: It’s photo shoot day and J Hawk alights the stairs with her leopard print boobs and butt-skimming jorts. She introduces our good friend Jez Smith who will be helming a High Fashion shoot with a sci-fi mermaid theme.
7:56pm: First up is Melissa, who hypnotises everyone with her stunning face. It doesn’t really matter what she does, as long as she doesn’t irreparably damage her face with a giant tattoo. Next is Abbie who was “bloody amazing” says Jez. She really looks like she’s bringing it, which is something I imagine people on set at a fashion shoot would say. Shanali has a painful looking stack upon a rock which might effect her shots.
7:59pm: is a nervous wreck because she doesn’t want to harm the Alex Perry boots for fear of painful retribution inflicted by Sunglass Head himself. Luckily she gets her shit together and pulls out some hawt poses toward the end of her camera time.
8:02pm: After the shoot the girls are treated to lunch with the elusive J Hawks who comes bearing letters from home. They read the warm and fuzzy verbal hugs aloud to each other, turning lunch into an impromptu group bawl sesh.
8:09pm: Today is the last photo shoot for the season and the girls are dressed in pieces from Romance Was Born’s ‘Mushroom Magic’ collection. The theme of the shoot is “the girl who fell to earth and landed here”. The challenge will be creating a character while not letting the sick dogs on the streets of Mauritius transfer them diseases.
8:12pm: Melissa struggles a little to focus and find the character. She also struggles to wear the layers of accordion pleats on her marvelous frock and the three pounds of fake hair due to her petit-sized stature. Jez wants Mel to flick her hair in the shot. He says “model hair flicking” is quite a difficult art to master as well as being a thing at all.
8:14pm: Shanali suffers from what Jez Smith refers to as “Zoolander Syndrome” because she can’t walk from left to right. After a few laps she perseveres, finally gets it and delivers some sweet left-to-rights. Abbie overcomes a case of the ‘scowlies’ to get some good shots. Time to leave Mauritius and return to their seven-bedroom Sydney hell hole.
8:19pm: Panel time and tension is high, unlike the zipper-down neckline of J Hawks who is getting her boobs out for the second time this episode!! Melissa steps up for judging first. Didier bums us all out by giving Mel the “I’m not mad, just disappointed” line for bailing on the underwater shoot, but her photos get some good praise. Cha Cha thinks both Melissa’s photos are fab and Sunglass Head doesn’t even think Melissa looks short in her Romance Was Born pic.
8:23pm: Duckie is appraised next, and her beach shot underwhelms the judges. “I can’t see anything, it’s a really dark photo” says Alex P with unintentional racism. Luckily, Duckie’s second shoot “looks like fashion”, says Sunglass Head.
8:24pm: Next up is Abbie. The first picture is great. She looks intense in a good way and the body looks fantastic. Didi is less pleased by the second picture because it’s a bit disconnected and is being worn by the dress instead of vice versa. “This is stunning”, J Hawk says of Shanali’s first photo and of her second Cha Cha elicits a guttural “aw my gaaaaaaawddd” and shrieks. No hyperbole, I think Sunglass Head speaks for everyone when he announces: “I have waited my entire life for this photo.” Fully and truly though, Shanali looks amazing. “No one in this whole competition has done anything like that,” he says. Didi agrees: “By far the best shot of the whole competition.” Let’s leave this with the panel.
8:27pm: Discussion points include the fact that “Shanali” rhymes with “finale”, Duckie’s confidence seems to be on shaky ground, Abbie has possible been too inconsistent, and Melissa has a great face and doesn’t really need to try because she’s naturally photogenic and beautiful. It’s a tough one / Duckie is obviously the girl to be eliminated this week.
8:29pm: No surprises, Shanali gets Photo Of The Week, then Melissa gets called through. One more by god! J Hawks is really dragging this out… but the one to go home to the tune of my favourite song is… ABBIE. Whaa!?! I’m surprised by this, but not devastated. It’s an interesting talent pool going into the Final Three (and can I say, it’s great to see a mix of skin tones, heights, shapes and sizes in there too).
So that’s it. One more week to go before the 2013 winner of Australia’s Next Top Model is crowned. Tune in at 7.30pm for the Grand Final and join us for the Live Blog. It will be transmitted to you across the ether, live from The Star Event Centre at The Star, Sydney, where they’re allowing me to sit (or maybe just kneel near a power point with an Internet dongle). Can’t wait. Now I’m going to eat a honeycomb flavoured Magnum icecream. Goodnight.
