Imagine a world where all people are required to wear sunglasses on their heads to ensure the continuation of the human race. What would Alex Perry defer to for his unique accessory of choice? These are the kinds of questions I ask myself shortly before I start the Australia’s Next Top Model live blog each week. Tune in at 7.30pm AEST of Fox8 and let’s journey down the rabbit hole to find out who will follow last week‘s evictee Shannon on the Highway Of Broken Farshun Dreams.
Note: I’m low on sleep.
7:32pm: After the models learned to be flexible last week (dangling yoga!) and took time to reflect (photo shoot with mirror) Shannon was ultimately put to pasture. Now with just six girls remaining we’re one step closer to find out who will be Australia’s Next Top Model. Pretty sure I’m paraphrasing Tyra Banks right there.
7:33pm: The girls sip espresso getting their metabolism in effect for the day. They discover a “Jen Mail” envelope in the fridge, proving that the models are still actually taking in solids. They go meet the “bee-yoo-tee-fool” Jen Hawkins who explains to the models about the fashion world’s recurring preoccupation with androgyny. Most of the models – except for the youngest remaining contestant, 16-year-old Shanali – know WTF ‘androgyny’ means. A special guest is introduced: good-looking chav who is a former NRL player and husband to Dannii Minogue, Kris Smith. At the mention of Kris Smith Dajana breaks out into a sex-rash, starts giggling like a doofus and sweating profusely. Kris announces that today the girls will be “treated and trained like a bunch of dudes”. It’s time for a set of confusing Rugby League training exercises.
7:36pm: The girls are given matching rugby jerseys and knee length white socks (which, I must say, look pretty pleasant) and hit the pitch. Jade, who is partial to a spot of personal training back home at Model Manor, seems to be the only one physically capable of keeping up with the rigorous training demands while some of the girls clearly are yet to master basic ball-catching skills.
7:38: Kris gets Abbie (“Abbeh!”) to demonstrate a “burpie”, the worst invention in the history of exercise. The girls do a few laps, followed by sliding spread-eagled across the turf. Not chic. Kris continues to say things in his heavy Liverpool accent like “Are ye readeh?” and other basic sentences that sound completely charming while the gurls scramble about like a pack of spazzed out giraffes.
7:44pm: Next up, the gals roll into a place set up as a hair and makeup studio where Cha Cha Dawes smiles smugly next to a person Jade describes as a “what”. It’s a drag king named Rocko. Duckie was completely sold on Rocko’s masculine appearance and was convinced she was looking at a dude. Rocko tells the girls that they’ll be styling themselves as male models for the Challenge. The androgynous look is “huge at the moment” says Cha Cha, so being able to dress up as a ridiculous masculine caricature is a very necessary skill. Jade styles herself as a Parisian artiste. She’s never been to France, which would explain her horrendous attempt at a French accent.
7:47pm: Duckie is a “cool construction worker dude” with a beanie and alarming wispy chin pubes. Abbie is a surfer bro stereotype from Byron Bay named Angus who also goes by “Gussie” for short. LOL terrible. Melissa, bless her, looks ten kinds of adorable in her terrible attempt at looking man-ish as a drummer. She looks like homeless Cabbage Patch kid that someone crayoned a beard onto. Dajana, ever the wog, of course channels an “import-export” businessman with a sick Eastern Euro/Mediterranean accent.
Worst attempt at ‘man’ ever?
7:55pm: Cha Cha reveals the real part of the challenge: convincing the public that they are actual dudes and not just chicks with pretend dicks. To a buzzy Sydney café we go!
Shanali is the first to undergo the test and strolls crotch-first into a café with hands buried in the pockets of her ill-fitting suit and her scattered manscaping and ponytail greasing up the place. Shanali immediately notices Didier Cohen is on hand to observe the performances. Little does she know there’s another insider lurking about: Cha Cha BFF and creator of the Holy Grail of unauthorised Next Top Model recapping, Jo Thornley.
7:56pm: Shanali orders a cappuccino and is approached by random strange lady (Jo) for a section of the paper. Shanali offers Jo a handshake so limp it’s an embarrassment to men, women and most babies under one year. Next up is Dajana who saunters into the café with a visible chest toupee. She even gives the waiter shit for not having any baklava in the baked goods display cabinet. Rocko observes that Dajana could potentially explore a career as a drag king. “You have-a the husband, the chooldrin?” she inflects passionately and, I must say, rather presumptuously to Jo Thornley, who is charmed by her dedication to character, although less convinced by Dajana’s interpretation of masculinity.
7:58pm: Jade AKA France’s Worst Guy Ever rolls in next ordering a green tea but accidentally drops the Spanish pronunciation of té verde instead of the French. Jade’s all “no biggie” regarding that faux pas (ps Jade, that’s a French expression that means a gaffe made in a social situation), and is approached by Jo who asks Jade to translate a t-shirt slogan that is French for “I’m with stupid”. How apt a question for Jade – who obviously hasn’t got a clue what that means – and immediately translates “it means ‘I love all French people!’” She’s an idiot but “a committed idiot” in her own words. It’s a beautiful thing to watch.
8:00pm: In walks Duckie AKA construction worker ‘Tre’ who stops herself from ordering a latte and at the last minute grabs a manly Coke instead. Duckie looks pretty bloody good as a young dude. “Ridin’ solo man,” she says to Jo after she/he is asked if he/she/they has a girlfriend. Jo praises Duckie’s masculine physicality and her nonchalant bro-ish persona. Melissa who looks hilariously unconvincing as a dude introduces herself as “Melissa” to Jo. She makes a terrible terrible man, man.
8:02pm: Speaking of ‘man’, here comes shoeless Byron Bay caricature Abbie AKA Gus. Apart from the beautifully manicured finger nails, Abbie is really quite good as this awful earthy ‘peace, man’ guy, Gussie.
8:04pm: Back at the Model apartment, Didier, Cha Cha and Rocko convene to announce that Duckie is the winner of the Man Challenge and recipient of a kewl expensive laptop.
8:11pm: It’s finally time for the photo shoot. The girls hit the beach to meet Sunglass Head who informs them they’ll be shot by the brilliant Georges Antoni. He’ll be taking black and white photographs with a ‘90s-influenced aesthetic all about understatement. I’m getting Ck One-induced chills! Jade is up first. She looks great in her large checked suit and a cropped brunette wig a la Saskia DeBrauw in a recent Saint Laurent campaign. Her poses look good but she’s “modeling” a bit too hard.
8:14pm: Shanali is next and looks incredible, like Linda Evangelista in the prime of her Super days. Argh, can you even bear it? She’s on set for about 4 seconds before Sunglass Head and Georges Antoni call it a wrap. Can’t wait to see this shit at panel…
8:16pm: Next is Dajana who doesn’t look quite as amazing in the short hair as the other girls and really struggled with the slouchy-and-bored-but-really-deliberately-slouchy-and-bored aesthetic and just looks kind of uncomfortable throughout the shoot. Abbie obviously just “gets it” and really nails the whole Johnny Depp/Annie Lennox vibe. “I love this girl!” Georges says from behind the camera.
8:17pm: “You’re the prettiest boy that I’ve ever seen,” Sunglass Head tells Melissa as she gets on set, and like every other photographer on this show so far Georges Antoni loves her, even though she needs to work on her versatility. Duckie struggles to hit the feel of the shoot straight away and needs quite a bit of direction from Sunglass H and Georges A.
8:23pm: To panel we go and Jade is first to get appraised. Her photo is nice but, as Sunglass Head says she has a tendency to “over-model a bit”. Melissa’s photo is stunning. “It’s like Linda Evangelista’s had a cute little offspring” hoots Cha Cha. Abbie receives high praise from all the judges for a gorgeous photo. Duckie pulls out a searing photo too. The judges think Dajana is making the suit look great but she looks fairly blah, and they all love Shanali’s photo.
8:27pm: Time to deliberate. Everyone agrees that Melissa is a star in the making. Cha Cha recognises a lack of evolution in Jade’s NTM #journey. Sunglass Head suggests that Dajana has “no angles”, Abbie brought it – although Hawko is yet to be convinced by Abbie as a model despite this:
The time has come. Abbie is awarded Photo Of The Week. Shanali and Melissa go next. J-Hawk pulls the rug out from under us by revealing that only ONE girl from the remaining three will go through. WHUT. We’re left with Duckie, Jade and Dajana… but DUCKIE will be the girl whose model journey will continue! Dajana AND Jade leave the competition, leaving the Final Four. Who’s going to win?
8:30pm: Time to deliberate. Everyone agrees that Melissa is a star in the making. Cha Cha recognises a lack of evolution in Jade’s NTM #journey. Sunglass Head suggests that Dajana has “no angles”, Abbie brought it – although Hawko is yet to be convinced by Abbie as a model.
The time has come. Abbie is awarded Photo Of The Week. Shanali and Melissa go next. J-Hawk pulls the rug out from under us by revealing that only ONE girl from the remaining three will go through. WHUT. We’re left with Duckie, Jade and Dajana… but DUCKIE will be the girl whose model journey will continue! Dajana AND Jade leave the competition, leaving the Final Four. Who’s going to win? Please advise your suggestions in the comment section. I need to apply a cold compress.
Tune in tomorrow (on this website) for post-elimination interviews with the lovely Dajana and Jade. Goodnight all.
