Relationships, hey. What a tricky business. First there is the whole ‘they haven’t text me back’ thing, then follows the ‘what are we doing?’ conversation, and if you’re lucky it moves onto the ‘hey, so like, my mum invited you round for lamb roast on Sunday’ vibe. Being in a grown-up relationship with someone you actually kinda love is basically just navigating a maze of hazardous personal milestones.
And maintaining a healthy, functioning relationship is hard enough without throwing in those pesky dealbreakers we call ‘expectations’. Are we all guilty of expecting too much of our significant baes? Yes, the answer is yes. All. The. Time.
But the honeymoon period will inevitably come to an end, sorry guys, and when it does the key to glorious, joyous, consensual happiness is managing your (and your partner’s) expectations. Here’s how to avoid getting the silent treatment over your morning coffee, or Ice Brew:
Your boo ain’t no mind-reader (and neither are you)
And thank god, really. Being able to read the mind of the person you’re dating would be a golden ticket to break-up town. But sadly a lot of our relationship drama stems from the expectation that our precious, beautiful, significant other should know what we’re thinking. If you’re secretly steaming every time bae shows up fifteen minutes late, despite them having been fifteen minutes late for the entirety of your four year relationship and are very unlikely to change, you need to Chat. It. Out. Honesty really is the best policy here, so encourage your partner to do the same for you.
Put those expectations on ice
We all come with a relationship history. It’s an inevitable part of the dating scene. But like four single gals in New York city took six seasons and two movies to figure out, nothing good comes from comparing your previous loving to your current loving. I mean, take Aidan and Big for example. One kinda ghosts you but throws down in the bedroom while the other was there but just had no spark. You can’t compare, so don’t. Having expectations of your current person that’s based on the actions of your ex? Recipe for disaster, my friend.
Be Miss (or Mr) Independent
I’m really into the whole ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder’ vibe. I reckon there’s a lot of sense to it. Firstly, I am very pro missing someone. Allowing yourselves a little time or distance to miss each other takes you straight back to the honeymoon phase. Secondly, flirty texts are good. We should all send more flirty texts. Thirdly, maintaining your own independence means your partner will be less dependant on you. And vice versa. We all become a little needy and gushy and just generally sickly in love, but don’t let it rule you.
Ask ‘em what they need
Let’s just be straight up, hey. I reckon just sit your partner down and ask them if they’re craving anything. And I’m not talking ice cream. I mean, do they need more affection or words of affirmation or acts of service? Like, what is their love language and are they being satisfied? Keep the chat adult and positive, this isn’t about your flaws. It’s about open communication so that you both avoid going to bed simmering with resentment because one of you likes to be spooned but the other can’t sleep unless they’re on laying their back. Don’t let those feelings fester, you’ll get an ulcer or something.
Don’t parent each other
Enough said, really. They’ve likely already got a parent, or two. Or an aunt, uncle or grandma who oversteps the familial boundary, offering a lot of (sometimes) unwarranted advice and unconditional love. You’re not in this relationship to parent them, just like you shouldn’t be in this relationship if you’re expecting them to make up for your own not-so-good parents. You’re equals, babe.
Cut each other some slack
This is the big guy, the golden rule, the numero uno for a healthy relationship. Cut each other some slack, mate. Neither of you are perfect and the sooner you both realise that the better. Learning to either let go, or love, someone’s flaws is a huge deal, and it takes work. I mean, I say that with zero anecdotal authority – I’m still over here hoarding pettiness – but it’s what all the experts recommend.
Expectations are no bueno, boys and girls, so don’t let them ruin your marriage/relationship/casual-thing-with-benefits.
