Look, I like Vegemite. As a good patriotic Australian, I smother that shit a good centimetre thick on every piece of bread I elect to spread it on. Hell, I even bought a bunch of those Vegemite-flavoured chips on purpose, and not just because they were always marked down to half-price because no one else wanted to eat them.
But I know there are limits to good taste. Namely, this abomination should not exist:
Brace yourselves Australia… it’s time for VEGEMITE Icy Poles! #Chilled pic.twitter.com/AgbsR2QKCN
— Vegemite (@Vegemite) December 13, 2017
I’m sure there’s a 20-episode long docu-series on Netflix about a cabal of incredibly genius chefs who are thrilling the food world with savoury icy poles but, frankly, get fucked. Do not dare offer me something with the appearance of a chocolate icy pole when it is, in fact, a frozen delivery method for salty yeast extract paste.
The visceral abhorrence with which I have instinctively responded to this was shared by everyone else with a brain and taste buds:
https://twitter.com/k0hn_/status/940803213783158784
— Phid McAwesome (@PhidMcAwesome) December 13, 2017
Imagine the product team tastings pic.twitter.com/v9QZyqRHSE
— GΞOFF SONG (@GeoffSong) December 13, 2017
https://twitter.com/BalmainParis33/status/940814473660641281
— Twat Talk Queen (@SweetTale4u) December 13, 2017
Look enough gross things have happened in 2017, no need for another pic.twitter.com/2AWOoIChll
— Rodney Heron (@rodneyheron) December 13, 2017
Presumably because putting it in shops would cause rioting in the streets, this hideous creation is only available as a recipe on their website / as a gift from your worst friend.
The recipe seems to be attempting to mask the Vegemite with the generous addition of some honey, but it would have to do a lot of work to salvage the resultant product.
As you can tell, these are perfect for if it’s a hot afternoon and you’re the sort of person who doesn’t gag trying to imagine a “thickened and custard like” mix of Vegemite and milk.
Obviously, taste is subjective and I’m sure there are some absolutely cooked weirdos out there who are, as we speak, shovelling heaped teaspoons of black gold into ice block moulds, and we should respect the terrible freakish decision that these fucked individuals have made, despite how they fly in the face of God’s will.
