Working in a minimum wage food service job absolutely sucks. There’s just no two ways about it. Anyone who makes significantly more money than a fast food worker proselytising about the virtue of a hard day’s labour or the inherent dignity of work is talking out of their ass. It sucks.
Doubly so for Starbucks employees in the United States, who were forced this week to dish out bulk quantities of a new limited edition beverage called the Unicorn Frappuccino – apparently a real product that adults willingly purchase. Look at this monstrosity:
Apparently, the colour-changing drink comes loaded with 59 grams of sugar – an absurd quantity that no rational human being should ever consider willingly consuming. Apart from the incredible demand, it was also a bastard to create, which sent Starbucks staff to the edge of a kind of deep, Lovecraftian insanity.
In a new deleted video, a Starbucks employee ranted about the horror of the Unicorn Frappuccino. “Please don’t get it! I’ve never made so many Frappuccinos in my entire life!” Burson screams into the video, which was posted on Wednesday. “My hands are completely sticky! I have unicorn crap all in my hair and on my nose. I have never been so stressed out in my entire life.”
Behold:
In a post in r/starbucks (which exists named The Unicorn Aftermath, a Redditor went in deep on the carnage:
I didn’t experience the unipocalyspe firsthand, but Jesus the aftermath has me wrecked. My store sold out at 11:30am yesterday after making 1000+ of the bastards. I just got off a 6:45-3 shift and I swear if anyone says “unicorn” around me I’m gonna snap. Every second car in DT was asking for one. The girl on DTO went from “No, sorry, we sold out yesterday! What else can I get for you?” to “We sold out, we have none, and they aren’t coming back.” The phone kept ringing with people asking for them, we had to hang up signs at DT and on the front door saying we sold out. At least 3 cars backed out of the drive line upon seeing our signs during my shift, people were walking away before even coming inside, a grown woman screamed when we told her we don’t have anymore, and to top it off, we had a car full of teenagers screaming “fuck you” at us as they sped out of the DT lane. Because of a drink.I hate this planet.
Another barista in the comments described further horror. The guys in ISIS are really not achieving their goals efficiently. They could be harnessing the sheer power of the Unicorn Frappuccino.
I had a grown ass man get angry with me today when I kindly explained to him we ran out of the ingredients to make it, and told me to “get lost” over the speaker, then proceeded to do a poorly executed burnout in my drive thru right beside a car full of friendly teenagers that were not upset over us not having the unicorn frapuccino, and instead ordered reasonable drinks.
This is just further proof of the claim that human civilisation hangs on an incredibly delicate thread. The Unicorn Frappuccino carnage merely proves that we could descend into violent, chaotic anarchy at any given moment. (See also: trackwork replacement buses).
Did I mention that these beverages don’t even have coffee in them? No caffeine. Just a sugary burst of mania delivered directly to the frontal cortex.
May God help us all.
Photo: Nathan For You.
