Sweet, sweet Coles magazine. I have NFI where I’d be without you. Probably fine, to be honest. But it’s iso baby, and I like being dramatic.

My Coles magazine has gotten me through this month from hell and I want to tell you all about it. I’ve become very dependent on the Coles magazine. I love the Coles magazine.

Firstly, it’s free – anything free immediately piques my interest. Secondly, it’s food-related, and I love food. Thirdly, it encourages me to spend MORE money in Coles on food to make recipes within it. It’s efficient and does it’s job. We simply have to stan a lucrative queen.

Come on a journey with me, friends – a journey through the April 2020 Easter edition of Coles magazine.

Ok, so we open with some truly demonic Easter treats. Surely these should be illegal in all states. SURELY. There is far too much going on here for these desserts NOT to be classified as simply Too Much Sugar.

And yet – sometimes I wonder if Coles puts these in just for the aspirational thought of making them? Like, no one is meant to create this, we’re just meant to stare vacantly at it as our morning Weet Bix slowly wakens our body.

Then – look, I’m sorry – but Curtis Stone absolutely phoned it in for this month. I know we’re not all semi-professional chefs in the kitchen – some of us need simple recipes! But come on, Curtis Stone:

That is a few seafood shop prawns on a bed of cos. Don’t patronise me like this. He kinda made it up to me with this little morsel:

I mean, ginger-vanilla sauce… he got there, but it was a process.

There’s a bunch of recipes for mum’s who want to shit all over the other mum’s at Easter Hat Parade day, like this smug cupcake:

The only mums absolutely nailing those cupcakes are CWA member mums, or ones with nannies who do the work for them. But goddamn do they go off at the cake stall. Which didn’t happen this year coz coronavirus. But still.

They probably made them anyway for IG smugness.

Then there’s this “mocktail” which I’m ten million percent making for post-work drinks tonight with like, an aggressive slosh of gin.

Moving along we have something for the vegans:

Something for the very-much-not-vegans:

Also “lose the beer” hahahahaha. hahahahaha. hahahahaha. No.

I need this black forest brownie like I need air, my god:

Let’s take a second to talk about Coles mag ads. Look, ads are at their worst, annoying intrusions on our brains. At their best though, they give us some useful info that we actually enjoy consuming, right?

All the Coles ads, bar a few, are based around recipes or recipe advice and my god guys, I sometimes enjoy the ads more than the normal content. Like these tips on pairing booze with your meals? OUTSTANDING:

Am I having scotch with my chocolate? Abso-fucking-lutely not! Do I like reading about maybe having scotch with my chocolate? You bet your sweet bippy I do.

Or this heinous creation?

I’m not going to make that! But I AM going to memorise the entire recipe for no reason besides “it’s just there to read 40 times this week”.

Okay, so there was also a questionable section in this magazine of legume-based dishes I had no care for. I know some people would disagree, and to that I say – legume salads are glorified dirt casserole.

I won’t dwell on it, it makes me sad.

Thankfully, it was followed by THIS:

CHAOTIC:

ENERGY:

Cheesecake AND hot cross bun AND some sort of marscapone thing AND fucking chocolate eggs? Absolute mayhem.

This is the kind of energy we need in these dark times.

I learned how to make easter breads I’ll never make, even though I’m Greek and should probably embrace my roots a bit more:

Then it was back to our regular programming of “school cake stall treats to undermine all the other mum’s and make them feel insecure and untalented”:

There’s a whole slow cooker SECTION!!!! All I do in winter is make myself feel better with comfort food!

Also, chicken meatball strog!!!

Completely butchering parmigiana but in the best way!

Just beautiful stuff. Here’s to reading this April 2020 magazine for another full year, probably.