When I stand behind strangers in line at McCafé®, you bet your bottom dollar I’m going to eavesdrop on their orders and judge them based solely on that one piece of information.
I assume people do the same about me, too, so I get a free pass for being nosey.
From a long black to a mocha, here’s what I reckon your coffee order says about you as a person. It may or may not be accurate but I reckon I’ve got the guessing game down pat.
Long Black
You’re the type of person who believes the car horn should be used 12 times per drive, at minimum.
If you see someone driving 57 in a 60 zone, you’ll immediately start to clench and rant to whoever’s in the passenger seat that people who don’t know how to drive, shouldn’t be on the road. Your passenger promptly cuts all ties with you as soon as they exit the vehicle.
Flat White
Your biggest thrill of the day is waiting for The Chase Australia to air before promptly whipping up your frozen dinner for one, reading exactly three pages of a spy novel and putting head-to-pillow at 8:45pm.
If you can’t get to sleep instantly, you’ll light a cinnamon-scented candle and listen to half a podcast episode featuring an incredibly average motivational speaker.
Macchiato
The first line out of your mouth when you meet someone new is to explain how your distant relatives are actually Italian, but you pronounce ‘Italian’ in an accent so they know you’re the real deal.
You also have a habit of ‘accidentally’ uploading really cute photos of you sleeping that you have indeed taken yourself.
Cappucino
You latch on to current phrases but continue to use them well past their due date. I don’t mean to burst your bubble, but nary a cool kid knows what the hell you’re referring to when you scream ‘CABS ARE HERE!’ at the pub.
I mean, I’ll still laugh because Jersey Shore was quality viewing, but my approval is not necessarily what you’re aiming for. I doubt anyone will invite you to an underground rave if you’re constantly throwing at quotes from 2006.
Caramel Iced Latté
Voted ‘most likely to go to jail’ by all of your friends.
Mocha
You related to Veruca Salt most when watching Charlie & The Chocolate Factory as a kid and you still find her points valid. Why shouldn’t a rich daddy buy his kid a golden goose? You know what? Buying hundreds of thousands of chocolate to find a golden ticket was actually super smart, you think.
Unfortunately for you, your likability is on par with Veruca too. Most weekends, you scroll through Instagram to see your former friends hanging out without you, and you hide your pain by treating your remaining friends like crap.
You also have long baths that are 50% crying, 50% reminiscing about your youth.
If you want to be the polar opposite of me and do your little bit for the earth, hit up your nearest McCafé to suss out their latest rich and oh-so-smooth coffee blend (which uses sustainably sourced coffee beans, which is noice, different, unusual). After all, we are Aussies with impeccably high standards for our bean juice (we love our coffee, in other words), so McCafé has made their new blend with our specific tastes in mind, which makes every sip just that much more dang satisfying.
