All Hail The Cherry Ripe, The Greatest Chocolate Bar In Existence

When it comes to chocolates, you’re either a basic or you have tastebuds that are far beyond the mere masses. That’s a fact.

Here are some basic chocolate bars that basic people who are basic like. Mars Bar. Twix. Kit Kat. Kit Kat CHUNKY (the most basic). Milky Fucking Way. Buenos.

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Here are some high-brow chocolate bars only the upper echelons of society like. Turkish Delight. Whittaker’s Peanut Slab. Wagon Wheel. These are not what the normies buy. These are for the very, very tip of the chocolate bar consuming society.

The pinnacle?


I don’t know what’s up with this heinous new packaging but this is what I am talking of, in case you are an alien and reading this since that’s what you must be, if you aren’t aware of what a Cherry Ripe is.

Cherry Ripe is the greatest chocolate bar to ever exist, and it will never topple from it’s mighty tower. In this essay, I will outline just why Cherry Ripe shits all over its pathetic chocolate cousins. Literally sits on them and does a cherry-filled POOH on them, my friends. It pulls it’s metallic wrapper pants down and it DUMPS A LOAD on Mars Bars and Kit Kats.

Firstly, you can’t just inhale a Cherry Ripe. You have to savour each bite because the flavour is so intense. The dark chocolate exterior and the rich, cherry-coconut guts of the bar demand you sit up and respect it by not being the giant fatty-boombalada you planned to be, and instead take tiny nibbles of the delectable yet potent treat.

You take your time with a Cherry Ripe, much like you would take your time with a glass of Krug champagne. Cherry Ripe is the Krug of the chocolate world, unlike, say, the Kinder Bueno which is the Passion Pop. Fine, but useful to achieve a goal of getting fucked up, and that is IT.

Secondly, the Cherry Ripe actually tastes like cherries? Like I’m sorry, but the Mars Bar just tastes like a big log of wax and the Milky Way is slightly softer wax for children’s mouths. The Snickers is one big peanut but like, 400 times less healthy for you and so on, so forth. Do you want a wax log to chew on or do you want to taste your food. Make your choice.

Not only does it taste like cherries – and the good ones, not those disgusting maraschino cherries that are chewy diabetes balls and should be buried deep beneath the Earth’s crust along with canned roast chickens and paw paw – it also has coconut in it, and it’s my firm belief that coconut makes everything better. Think about it, coconut goes into curry, you can drink coconut water and harness powerful energies (absolutely true), you can eat it as chippies that are pretty boring but are still chippies… it’s nature’s wonder-fruit, and it’s in the goddamn Cherry Ripe.

Thirdly, it’s a BIG BAR! None of this pissweak Milky Way-sized bullshit. They are so small, honestly. Like what is even the point, you could breathe into a bag of sugar and get the same level of satisfaction, and sugar is readily available in any/all office pantries – and no one ever uses sugar so they won’t care about you sticking your entire sweaty mug into the jar and having a big ol’ sniff.

Cherry Ripes are long, flat, and hefty. They are a portly choccy bar, friends. They have some strong mass to them. I can’t be bothered googling exactly what that mass is comparably to other chocolate bars (boring! Facts are boring!) but I hedge a strong bet that they are the weightiest motherfuckers in the chocolate bar biz, aside from some that are maybe weightier but deserve no mention in this article.

Basically this is me to any of you who try to counter-point me on this one thing:

WHAT ALL OF THIS NONSENSE MEANS is that you get a lot of bang for your buck with the Cherry Ripe, because it’s a big bar that isn’t fucking around.

Ok look, at this point I’ve written 600+ words about a chocolate bar so I think that’ll do me. That’s a normal essay length. In conclusion, may I please state that none of this is factual and I have no fucking idea what I’m talking about – Cherry Ripes are just damn good, better than all other choccy bars, and that is all. The end.

A+ to me.

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