It’s safe to say that (most of us) here at Pedestrian we are neither expert gamblers or racing experts. The extent of our Melbourne Cup expertise starts and ends at thinking of mildly creative ways to get people shickered and *real talk* we’re really only in it for the free lunch our bosses put on. Except for Brian. Brian knows what’s going on.
Irregardless, we’re here to dole out a few last minute betting tips to those of you who might be as clueless as us dicks.
The following advice is based on absolutely nothing solid, so please don’t bet your life savings/nest egg/dowry because of the following:
FIRST THING’S FIRST The main race (officially known as the ‘Emirates Melbourne Cup’) is race number 7 today at the Flemington race track in Melbourne, Victoria. And before you start yelling “DERRRR” at your computer screen, that can actually be handy to have a heads up on – particularly if you’re not accustomed to the workings of the TAB and betting on horses. You don’t want to be throwin’ dollars at the cashier only to find you’re betting on the incorrect race, do you?
MY PICK: BROWN PANTHER (#5) My cents are on Brown Panther because:
THE ‘EXPERT’ PICK: FIORENTE (#6) Our fearless leader, PM Tony Abbott, has tipped Fiorente as a favourite to win. However, he also said “I’m not much of a punter or tipster,” so with that in mind we would also point out that the imported Gai Waterhouse-trained Fiorente is considered your best bet (currently sitting at 7:1).
Photo: Caroline McCredie via Getty
TIP VIA EMAIL: We have a friend who has a friend who has a husband ‘in the know’ when it comes to Melbourne Cup tipping. He has a celebrated history (as much as only-occasional gamblers can have) of picking the Cup’s winner, however this year he says “it’s hard”. Hmm. Despite this year’s unusual degree of difficulty, his top recommendations for a flutter are: SEVILLE (#12), BROWN PANTHER (#5), VOLEUSE DE COEURS (#17) and SEA MOON (#4).
TIP FROM ME MAM: GREEN MOON (#18) On account of being Irish, her strategy entirely consists of picking the most Irish-sounding horse name/jockey and going with that, and in the case of this year that would be Green Moon, a horse actually from Ireland. Also, ‘Green’. YEW! Éirinn go Brách!
PICK BASED ON PHOTO: SUPER COOL (#13) The horse has a star on his head. You gotta trust that, you know? Any horse who takes style queues from the hammy Superheroes of old has a pretty sure shot at KAPOW’ing his way to victory.
Photo: Vince Caliguri via Getty
SARTORIAL PICK: DANDINO (#8) Dandy [noun] a man who is excessively concerned about his clothes and appearance. The name of the jockey is Marco Botti, which is chic enough for me. Also, said jockey is routinely seen in monochrome – one of this season’s big style trends. If you’re coming from a betting background of pure ignorance, this approach to picking horses is as good as similarly as unfounded methods such as selection based on lucky numbers, shirt colours and handsomeness of jockeys. Dandino is also in-house imported supermodel Kate Upton’s pick (regardless of the fact that she’s pictured with Voleuse de Coeurs below).
Photo via @kateupton
PICK THAT WILL GET YOU FREE DRINKS: DEAR DEMI (#22) If ‘Dear Demi’ wins (and you’re in Sydney) head on down to The Vic in Marrickville. John Singleton, who owns The Vic/the horse, has promised to put on some free booze should he be victorious.
HIGH STAKES, HIGH RETURNS: MOURAYAN (#11) Besides having a completely shit name ‘Mourayan’ has low odds at 176:1. Which I’m pretty sure is bad? Yes. Okay, good. Meaning that it would result in quite the pretty penny should it somehow deliver a win.
Good luck and remember to gamble/drink sensibly.
Title image via Getty by Michael Dodge
