The cheapest house to be sold in Australia last weekend is a steaming pile of shit and precisely no one is surprised. So what does the absolute bargain price of $250,000 get you in the housing market these days?
Allow me, a person who is currently housesitting to avoid landlords and property managers until I can one day afford my first home, tell you.
The $250,000 home sold via auction is a three-bedroom, one bathroom home in South Australia.
Is it habitable?
Of course not!
But tell me where else you’ll find a bedroom with barricaded windows, and a wall flap to escape out of when you realise you’ve been granted entry into hell?
To be fair, at least there’s some sunlight coming out of the other, less-flappy hole on the bedroom wall. This is what some property managers would call a “sun-drenched room”, if I were to hazard a guess.
Speaking of hazards.
This excuse for a kitchen is absolutely not sanitary to make or eat food in, and not just because ceiling plaster might fall into your soup.
The hole(s) in the roof should allow for ample air flow from the shit-stained stove, however.
Fantastic! A bathroom that’ll never make you feel clean. Where rusty spoons come to die.
Remind me to shit and drag my ass along the floorboards next time I want to make a decent sale of a quarter of a million.
To be fair, at least this listing agent wasn’t trying to polish and turds or flat-out lie to prospective buyers. Instead, they provided a very honest description of the property.
“The home has seen better days, and is not in a livable condition, however with improvements by a keen handyman could be fixed,” the Elizabeth Downs listing said, as reported by Domain.
“Alternatively, the property offers a great land prospect to build your dream home (subject to appropriate planning consents).”
To be fair, it’s definitely the sizable land you’re buying here, or at the very least, this shed which I’d rather live in over whatever that other thing with a door is.
According to Domain, Elizabeth Downs has a median house price of $331,500 and is one of the most affordable suburbs in Australia.
Using a loan calculator, if you put a $50,000 deposit down on this place, you’d be paying just under $300 weekly for the next 30 years before you were mortgage free. What a dream.
Can’t wait to move into a meth lab of my own one day.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can follow her on Instagram or TikTok.