Disney and Lucasfilm Confirm J.J. Abrams Will Direct Star Wars: Episode VII

Despite adamently denying that he would do no such thing because he’d rather not be associated with the slow, agonising death of the franchise, newly-formed entity Disney | Lucasfilm have today confirmed what The Internet has known now for twenty-four hours: J.J. Abrams, director of the revamped Star Trek franchise and imminent Lance Armstrong #doprah biopic, will direct and produce Star Wars: Episode VII.

With Bad Robot production partner, Bryan Burk, Abrams will helm the first film in a contentious reboot of the series beloved by cinephiles, nerds and not-nerds alike. 
In a press release playing catch up with a conversation people stopped having yesterday, God amongst Ewoks George Lucas, had this to say of Abrams’ ostensible promotion:
I’ve consistently been impressed with J.J. as a filmmaker and storyteller. He’s an ideal choice to direct the new Star Wars film and the legacy couldn’t be in better hands.
Academy Award-winning writer, Michael Arendt, will write the screenplay alongside Empire Strikes Back, Raiders of the Lost Ark and Return of the Jedi screenwriter, Lawrence Kasdan.
In the same release, Abrams remarked that the opportunity to “be a part of the next chapter of the Star Wars saga… is an absolute honour. I may be even more grateful to George Lucas now than I was as a kid.
In related news, the White House is adamant there will be no Death Star by 2016. Episode VII is due in 2015. 
A lose/win/win/lose situation.

Abrams’ portrait by Frederick M. Brown via Getty