Being Lara Bingle Episode 02: Live Blog

A week has passed since S01EP01 of Being Lara Bingle, and yes, she’s still famous*. Although a lot of you still don’t seem to know what for. Hopefully EP02 will answer some of the questions you guys have had in the past seven days, like “unless she’s naked again, why should I care?” and “she’s famous?” and “what the fuck Pedestrian?” This is my first time watching Bingle so – God and Wi-Fi willing – take my strong hand (cursor), be gentle with me and let’s do this thang.

*In the magazine sense of the word.

7:39: Bingle kicks off at 8:00, which in AEMT (Australian Eastern Masterchef Time) means this Bingle ball should be rolling by about 10 past.

7:40: BRB – just digesting half a cow. Here’s a getting-to-know-you-video you can watch in the meantime:

7:51: Gary Mehigan “Ooh – It’s massive, it’s huge, it’s dark.” #dickjokes

8:08: Here goes. We’re kicking off with a recap of last week’s episode, feat. moving house in Goot and Boobs. Nana Bingle is back on the phone apologising for last week’s stern talking-to. Lara cannot stop looking at herself in the mirror and tzujing her hair (that’s a word, right?). I foresee a Narcissus ending for Lara in the deep end at Bondi Iceberg’s in the season finale. Cue sentimental music. And scene!

8:10: This week is FASHUN week on Being Lara Bingle, which brings with it all kinds of dilemmas like backseat outfit changes. Ergh. I had the same problem Laz. “It’s part of what you are” says Lara’s minder Hermione and fashunz montages abound!

8:12: Crisis. Lara’s makeup looks like shit and she’s chucking a massive ‘diva’ tantrum because she looks dirty in her natural look makeup. Uhh?? Max May is pissed, and rightfully so (not). But upon consulting her iPhone camera, Lara decides she looks quite good. Phew. Crisis averted. We’re only four minutes in and I’m gagging. Hermione is sitting front row at Ellery with her giant merkin. Put it away Herm! This shit is intense.

8:20: Lara’s doing a live TV re-cap on The Project and she’s breaking out from nerves. Me too beb. Back at Shazza’s house in Cronulla with incompetent Boy Bingle, Josh, who still can’t manage his laundry and is 28. -_- I think Sharron’s having some trouble with her on-screen diction. You’ll get there Shaz.

8:21: “I feel completely violated, it’s an invasion of my privacy” says the girl with the eponymous dramality television series. Let’s talk some more about those tit-pics (word play on twit pics) on camera to a national television show.

8:24: Lara is set to appear on the breakfast radio show of the most hated celebrity in Australia, Vile Kyle Sandilands. Probably to talk some more about her boobs. What the fuck? That 30 second exchange does not a television segment make.

So we’re about 20 minutes into BLB02 at the moment, and by this point at the first episode the total audience had dropped off by 20%. Can’t wait for tomorrow’s ratings to come in…

8:28: Oh great, we’re back in the studio with Vile and Tacky O, discussing Lara’s *very* secretive relationship with the perpetually-draped Gareth Moody, formerly of Tsubi and now a Chronicler Of Never.

“Girth – what’s his name?” says Kyle, he of great girth.

8:30: Captain Bingle is taking us wake-boarding in Cronulla, where it’s so refreshing to be around people who are “grounded.” Lara stacks it pretty badly – face first into the white wash – and I don’t feel anything. ANYTHING.

8:32: Oh shit. Lara’s Binglemobile has just been impounded or something. “ERMAGHERD” says Lara, face and fist full of chicken and/or cupcakes. I’m not sure what she’s eating because I’m more concerned with what’s at the bottom of my wine glass.

8:37: “Mum my car’s just been impounded! Do you want me to talk about tomatoes and… avocados?”

8:39: “It just keeps getting better doesn’t it, Lara? You’ve had a good week. Nan has better things to worry about, like her parody @NanaBingle twitter account!” Uh oh, shit’s getting meta. Sharron is referring to the tit-pics as a publicity stunt (which it clearly was) for the show and Lara is not happy. I’ve tuned out and Sharron’s dog is like ^o_O^

8:40: Lara, Josh, and Sharron, The Holy Trinity of Reality Television, are enjoying a quiet family dinner with Lara’s camera crew and ridiculous hat. There’s the usual dysfunctional family banter that doesn’t make for any better television than the family banter I just sat through during my own dinner. In fact, it makes for worse television. The episode ends with Lara being kicked out of her Mum’s house, shuffling in black (Balenciaga?) boots back to Bondi, probably to ponder all the Important Things, like avocados and tomatoes. That’s it.

Next week on Being Lara Bingle: Michael Clarke’s wedding, choking on camera and the long-awaited showdown with Nana Bingle. Let’s hear your thoughts in the comments section below. Already we’ve got one punter who thinks it was a better episode on last week, possibly because all those narrative arcs and characters were more fully developed, or possibly because – like me – he has no other frame of reference. Thoughts? Avocados? Tomatoes?