PEDESTRIAN.TV has partnered with Red Rooster to hype up its new Sweet & Sour Fried Chicken range.
When you boil it down, life is nothing but a beautiful mosaic of simple joys that add up to transcendence on a monumental scale. Don’t worry if that doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t have to, because you see, when you are experiencing one of life’s great joys, words don’t really matter — nothing matters. All is well.
For instance, right now I’m typing away on a sticky keyboard because I am experiencing one of life’s great joys — I am eating Red Rooster’s new Sweet & Sour Crunch fried chicken. It’s a mess. A beautiful, sticky, crunchy mess. I am happy. I am fulfilled.
Most of all, I am inspired. Crunch is such a beautiful texture. When you die you may think back and see a montage of your grandest life moments, your childhood birthdays, your first kiss, the loving gaze of your dog. Me? I will see a montage of all the crunchiest foods I’ve consumed. I wouldn’t have it any other way. But what are the ultimate crunchy foods? Which are the undisputedly most satisfying? Never fret my lost lamb, you are now found. Let’s sort this ranking out once and for all, together.
Red Rooster’s Sweet & Sour Crunch
As we have aforementionedly established, I am a Red Rooster simp. So if you were to turn to me and say, “Hey, do you want to get some Red Rooster’s new Sweet & Sour Crunch fried chicken — and also, I don’t think aforementionedly is a word”, I would reply by saying, “Hell yes,” and “Did you read the intro???”. Facts and words don’t matter when you are experiencing the utter serene bliss of that sweet and sour crunchy fried chicken. Go now, young one, and ride your steed into the sunset with your compass set to True Crunch. It shall lead you to your nearest Red Rooster. It is there you will find God.
Hot chips at the end of a night out
Do I really need to say more?
Cinema popcorn
Something about cinema popcorn transforms me from a regular human person into a ravenous farm swine. There is no bucket big enough, no amount exists that will last the entire movie. All of it is usually gone before the movie even begins. When cinema popcorn is placed in front of me, my pupils dilate until my eyes are just a black void like a shark tasting blood in water. Self-control dissipates, time loses all meaning. The cinema popcorn trance is real. There is never enough to satisfy. The limit does not exist.
Those twirly potato on a stick things at carnivals
Evidence of divine grand design can be seen commonly in nature. The Fibonacci sequence, the impossible exquisiteness of our strands of DNA, but most of all, the touch of the divine can be seen at any carnival worth going to, in the form of those amazing spiral potato stick things. My word, sprinkle a healthy amount of chicken salt, perhaps some salt and vinegar if you’re so inclined — no matter your seasoning, the crunch of these babies reminds us all that life is worth living. If only they didn’t cost like half a week’s wage a pop.
Pickled cucumbers
Pickled anything for that matter. Some say the taming of fire was man’s great achievement, others say the wheel. I say, it’s pickling stuff that really separates us from the beasts.
Wasabi peas
The only thing that stops me from inhaling a bag of these on an hourly basis is the burning tingling (and somewhat sensual) sensation of wasabi rising up into my nose and violently announcing to my brain: hey, maybe slow down a tad — have you tried breathing between mouthfuls?
Ice cubes
The ultimate zero-calorie snack for the truly indecisive eater. The crunch? Unparalleled. The flavour? Impeccably neutral. The aftertaste? Refreshingly non-existent. Pair with various beverages for enhanced flavour profiles.
DVDs
You know how the snacks you used to love as a kid just aren’t the same anymore? It feels like everything we loved as little tykes has changed its recipe or downright doesn’t exist anymore. Take DVDs for example, when’s the last time you saw one? Don’t you miss the crunch? I know I do.
Onion rings
Whether they are fresh, warm and crispy, or the dried kind you can get in a bag from supermarkets, I’ve not met an onion ring that didn’t change my life for the better. Top crunch.
Crispy bacon on a bed of soft, fluffy pancakes topped with high-quality whipped butter and pure Canadian maple syrup
Ah yes, in other words, perfection.
First date spaghetti
While not traditionally crunchy, the tension as you both navigate the etiquette of spaghetti eating in front of your potential mate adds a metaphorical crunch to the meal.
The concept of time
A metaphysical snack for the thinkers and philosophers, described by those in the know as ‘impossibly crunchy’ — because it’s literally impossible to eat.
Or so we think…
Red Rooster’s new sweet and sour crunch range is available now. Go get some. (and get me some too).