Ah, travelling. Full of soaring highs, terrifying lows and absolutely MAD fuck ups.

We’ve all got wild travelling tales to tell, and while the risks we take often pay off big time and result in once-in-a-lifetime moments we will eventually tell our grandkids about, sometimes… things do not go the way we expected.

Here’s a bunch of advice, given with pretty much zero context, from the P.TV staff about what not to do when you’re hightailing it overseas (or just over-state).

Do not buy the tickets to Nelly Furtado and Jay-Z’s club appearance in Vegas, they are not real  – Mel

Do not tell the guy at the brewery in Capitol Hill that you’re a beer-loving Aussie because he **Will** bring you every. Single. Beer – Courtney

Check before drunkenly peeing on a wall that it’s not the wall of someones house and also there’s not a window at eve level and also they’re not literally in there – James

Do not point at the live frogs at fish markets in Hong Kong unless you want to accidentally buy extra extra fresh frog legs – Steph

It’s not the best idea to eat turkey legs followed by greasy funnel cakes at a State Fair in Arizona. They do not sit well together – Mel

42 Very Specific Things You Absolutely Should Not Do While Travelling

It’s actually really easy to find the Brandenberg Gate, and it’s clearly marked on Google Maps. Don’t spend 2 hours looking for it and give up, never seeing it. – James

Do not get trapped at a Filipino amusement park inside a 4WD containing a Filipino celebrity – David

That rapper on the Greyhound bus bragging about hanging out with famous artists you haven’t heard of is almost certainly lying – Cam

Beef is not the “cheap” meat in Thailand like it is in Australia. Chicken is. If the beef is cheap, you’re going to later discover it’s actually dog – Mel

It’s probably best to go easy on that powerful Amsterdam joint, unless you really enjoy being stuck in your hostel common room laughing at the Dutch version of ‘Guess Who’ titled ‘WIE IS HET?’ for roughly 4 hours straight – Matt

Do not ask if you can catch the fish at Seattle’s Pike Place market – Courtney

Do not ask the giant Serbian man at the bar how he got so big because he will probably answer “military” and you will do a little fear wee – Cam

Buying that 5kg dog-shaped doorstop in London will mean you have to lug it around Europe, in your carry on, for 3 weeks, and that will never be a good time – Mel

42 Very Specific Things You Absolutely Should Not Do While Travelling

Do not let a random Frenchman give you a piggyback ride down a muddy hill when you’re drinking at the Festival of Lights in Lyon. Also do not let random Frenchmen give you piggyback rides, ever – Steph

Putting on a fake American accent in that Nashville honky-tonk and trying to convince people you’re Californian is not funny. Not only will the two guys you’re trying to trick cotton on and get weird about it, you’ll ghost them and go to another bar only for them to show up because there’s like, five bars in Nashville – Mel

If your Airbnb host sleeps nude under a gigantic portrait of Blondie’s Debbie Harry, you should probably find somewhere else in the morning and not stay there for 5 more days – James

Do not assume you will be able to navigate around Mumbai, the world’s second largest city, without a map or data on your phone – Ben

Singing ‘I Will Survive’ loudly into a trivia host’s microphone to a small, quiet restaurant full of locals is not the best way to make friends in New York – Mel

42 Very Specific Things You Absolutely Should Not Do While Travelling

Don’t climb onto the roof with the cowboys at the horse ranch, then try and slide down the flagpole like they did – Mel

Do not assume that it will be shorts and t-shirt weather at an airport in the Himalayas at 11,000ft in winter. Why would you assume that – Ben

It’s illegal to punch the card flickers that line Las Vegas streets but it’s not illegal to really think about it – Cam

Do not sit on the front of the MONA ferry because the driver absolutely needs to see to drive the boat – Courtney

Do not go to that one 7/11 in Las Vegas which usually has police tape around it – David

Literally nothing will be open before 9am in outback NSW, so give up on finding anything besides meat pies for breakfast – Mel

Don’t buy the ‘deluxe’ ferry tickets to Elephanta Island from Mumbai they are fake – Ben

Calling concierge in the middle of the night with a “crisis” is not the appropriate response to getting your corkscrew stuck inside the bottle of wine you want to drink – Mel

Screeching angrily at the bouncer that you and your friends are from Real Housewives Of Sydney won’t get you let into the club – Mel

The literal only thing you need to know about the French language is that “Sorti” means “Exit” – Cam

When you drunkenly book a next day flight from Atlanta to Chicago via Google, ensure that you have actually entered the dates before spending an unrefundable $300 – James

Do not loudly ask where you can buy thongs whilst on Exchange In California – Courtney

Do not jump in the car with the cute Colombian you just met in Medellin because he is absolutely about to involve you in a drug deal – Kassia

42 Very Specific Things You Absolutely Should Not Do While Travelling

Driving down the road to Area 51 will get you followed by an unmarked car for miles – Mel

Do not bother trying to impress the French girl at the cinema counter by buying tickets in French. You’ll only embarrass yourself by mixing up the the French word for ‘three’ with the Spanish one – Matt

Calling an American a “Good Cunt” while you’re pissed could lead to five very awkward minutes – Cam

Do not get lost in Cairo at age 15 and wander into a firearms dealership unaccompanied – David

Do not buy a table of 15 people Fireball shots in Mexico bc they’re not $1 like the tequila was – Mel

Don’t take a photo of the Pentagon because a security guard will yell at you from 400m away and then do nothing else about it – James

Do not climb the pyramids, but if you do, do it very quickly and out of sight of the seccies – David

Do not ride the baggage carousel at Nairobi airport because you *will* just end up in the baggage area – David

DO NOT let your smallest friend disappear into a Barcelona apartment building by himself while you wait safely outside – Matt

When transferring between hotels in Tampa, do not walk 2.5 miles with your luggage because it “looks really nice out,” it is 95% humidity and you will feel ill – Cam

Definitely befriend the ship’s captain in Ha Long Bay Over Tet because he’ll invite you all for a party after everyone’s gone to bed, maybe don’t drink his homemade rice wine from the big red jerry can though – Courtney

When purchasing blow, Dd not let the Spanish man take the bag of the good stuff behind the Porta-Loos because when he comes back he will have the bag with washing powder – ….Anon

Image: Instagram / @richkosaudi