Bali seems like one of those countries that people claim to have ‘travelled’ to and then spend their whole time within the corners of their resort. Before, I would have scoffed at those people. “That’s not travelling,” I would say, as a poor naive fool.

That was before I actually knew what luxury looked like.

Let me just tell you, that post-spending a weekend at the largest resort in Bali – The Mulia – I absolutely could not fault anyone for spending their entire vacay there. Also more justifiable considering a room will set you back a minimum of $630 a night. I mean, please still go see Bali – but goddamn it’d be easy not to leave.

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Driving up to reception is a vibe on its own. The gardens are lush, the property is huge and there are so many buildings hidden inside it. A tennis court, a chapel and a spa all pop up during a drive around the property from seemingly nowhere. It makes total sense to me that so many stars – like style-queen Millie Bobby Brown – pick this place to stay. No-one would ever have to know they were there.

We roll up to the complete wrong reception, because there are three. Three. One for the resort, one for the private villas and one for the suites where I was staying.

Instead of making me feel like an idiot for not being able to read signs, the staff are treating me like not an idiot. In fact, they’re making a bit of a fuss of me and I’m kind of having withdrawals from the attention.

When I’m taken to my room, it’s bigger than my apartment at home and decorated with way more taste. There is an entire walk-in closet – excuse me? Also a SPA BATH on the BALCONY, like those rich kids in The Hills. I mean, I’m here with my sister and 4-year old nephew not a well-tanned, muscly surfer type, but STILL, it’s SO CLOSE.

Also, there’s an epic view of the ocean and the pool. Let’s just deep dive into this pool, shall we? Did I make my sister sweat trying to get me ‘the’ shot? You bet your arse I did. Not even sorry. Doing everything for the ‘Gram:

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Really, I should say ‘pools’ because there are so many that you are very likely to get one almost to yourself at any time of day. Every pool is pretty, but this was the pièce de résistance for me – the person trying to pretend like she can take Insta influencer shots. It’s also only available to guests staying in suites or villas, so it feels quite private.

When I get over my shock that hotels this swanky actually exist, the butler – yes BUTLER – shows us around the room, explains how he can help us, checks if we need anything than leaves us to it – always remaining a phonecall away.

I can now confidently answer the age-old question – what does a butler actually DO? The answer is everything. They do everything. I now understand how Maxwell Sheffield was so successful – he never had to get bogged down organising normal life things.

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Butlers fetch your laundry, organise your meals and sort out actual buggies to drive you around the hotel because it’s so big and your nephew refuses to use his legs. They greet you like a revered friend every time you turn up in the lobby. Frankly, they probably do a lot more but I’ve never had a butler before and I ran out of things to ask, ok?

The resort section also houses most of the restaurants and bars (and a buttload more pools) – so don’t worry the resort folks still have plenty to keep them occupied without the pool pictured above. There are six restaurants, three bars and a dessert deli that legit feels like walking into Willy Wonka’s storefront. At one brekkie brunch there was a woman wearing what absolutely looked like (designer) pjs and if THAT’S not the bougie life, I dunno what is.

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Of course, if you’re really settling into the celebrity life, you can absolutely get room service and chow it down on your balcony after your classic sunrise yoga sesh (yes, that’s actually a thing here). Then probably head over to the spa, yeah? I didn’t get a chance to check out any treatments, but it LOOKS lush.

In summary – this is the most beautiful accommodation I’ve ever seen, I sorely miss the good life now I’m back in my slightly mouldy Sydney apartment and I will long for a butler to sort out my life forevermore.

Image: Instagram / @all_people_laugh