I have a love-hate relationship with beaches. I love the idea of the beach, frolicking in the sand and getting a mad tan, however, I hate getting sandy, I don’t tan and other beachgoers piss me the fuck off.
Perhaps it’s the areas I’m going to, but I’ve noticed that people seem to lose all self-awareness when that sun hits them. I love egg salad sandwiches as much as the next guy, but I don’t bring them to the beach as a matter of respect.
Sundried egg sandwiches have a pungent aroma, you guys. Stick to eating something inoffensive like a bag of dicks – they hardly smell at all.
So, for everyone out there who has a similar issue with other people, this article’s for you. I’ve scoped out a secluded beach for every city in Australia (and the drive isn’t too much of a punish, either).
Dromana Beach, Melbourne(ish)
A general rule of thumb is that the further you drive towards Phillip Island (without actually reaching Phillip Island), the less busy it tends to be.
St Kilda beach? Fahgetaboutit. You can’t swing an axe without hitting some sunkissed, half-pissed punter. The Dromana area is far more chill though, and even in peak summer, you’ll be able to find a spot that’s far away from the masses.
South Gorge Beach, Brisbane(ish)
Forgive me Queenslanders, I’m somewhat unfamiliar with North Stradbroke Island, so I fear that recommending a beach found on an island might be wildly misleading.
But from hearsay and Google, it appears you can indeed drive to South Gorge Beach, and frankly, if it’s on an island, then your chances of seeing other people there is cut in half.
If it’s completely deserted, you could even whip out your Ultimate Ears and blast your fave tunes to the chagrin of absolutely no one.
Lifehack: get all your mates to bring their own Ultimate Ears so you can sync up and scare off potential beachgoers by playing Rebecca Black’s Friday on repeat. (2011 throwback.)
Snug Beach, Hobart(ish)
Snug Beach is as wholesome as it sounds.
The fact that Tassie is quite small works in its favour because essentially every beach is within driving distance from Hobart. Probably a wild over-exaggeration there but what am I, a Geography teacher? Get wrecked.
Because Snug Beach is tucked away in a hidden spot on the way to more popular beaches, a tonne of locals and tourists overlook it, which means it’s relatively untouched throughout the year.
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I don’t feel overly comfortable suggesting a beach in Darwin just in case someone gets chewed by a croc and sues me for every dollar I’m worth (jokes on you).
There are some ripper pools/lagoons/water parks to chill out at though. Highly recommended.
Yanchep Lagoon Beach, Perth(ish)
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Winter storms time to rug up in my winter woolies. Are you a winter or summer person. I like both but I think I'll stick to watching the locals fish from above ???????? . . . #yancheplagoon #perthisokay #perthiscool #visitperth #helloperth #pertheveryday #perthlife #perthnow #westisbest #westernaustraliauncovered #perthbeaches #winterdays #winteriscoming #beachside #viewfordays #storms #stormwatch #stormclouds #outdoorslife #outandabout
Just a wee drive north of Perth, Yanchep Lagoon Beach is ideal for recreating that scene from Castaway where you lose your mind and start gnawing on raw fish to stay alive.
I mean, there are plenty of actual fish and chip shops around the area but to each their own, I guess?
It’s nowhere near as secluded as Tom Hanks’ very own tropical prison, but it’s just as pleasant to hang out at for a couple of hours.
Maslin Beach, Adelaide(ish)
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Summer is nearly here!!! Early morning walks at the beach – best way to start the morning – ???? #exploreaustralia #seeaustralia #views #vibes #peaceful #sa #adelaide #adelaidebeaches #sabeach #beautifulbeaches #amazing #australiagram_sa #photo #sandunes #cliffs #bestplaces #ourplace #sand #loveourbeaches #landscape #maslinbeach #bestviews #exercise #fitness
If you’re willing to do a solid 42km day trip from Adelaide, I vote you get around Maslin Beach.
Stunning sand/water/sky/shrubbery aside, I heard it was Australia’s first-ever nude beach, which is honestly more than enough of a reason to go.
Perhaps you’ll find an ancient fossil of someone’s testies imprint. Perhaps you won’t. Either way, you’ll have a ripper excursion under your belt.
Little Bay, Sydney(ish)
Yes, Darook Park is also excluded etc etc etc but shut up for a second, I have an announcement to make.
If you’re up for a holiday and you need a brand-spankin’ new MEGABOOM 3 to take with you, we’re currently holding a comp with Ultimate Ears for you and three mates to win exactly that.
You won’t even have to drive anywhere – the trip’s to Fraser Island which is only accessible by plane and boat – the ultimate ‘fuck you’ to plebs at the busy beaches.
The comp’s also worth $3800 in total, including return flights, accommodation and a Dingos Tour, so choose your mates wisely – they’ll owe you for life.
P.s. good luck fighting over who gets to keep the MEGABOOM 3 after the trip’s done. My guess would be to give it to the winner because they took you. Don’t overstep.
Sorry for interrupting your moment in the sun Sydney, but you already know you’re cool.
Game of skill. Open to residents of Australia aged 18 years and over. Competition closes 13/12/19 at 11:59pm AEDT. Competition judged 16/12/19 at 5pm AEDT.Image: iStock / tsvibrav