What’s your preferred moniker and can you describe for us what it is that you do?
Fat Jew aka the FatJew of Liberty aka Jewsan Sarandon aka Whitney Jewston aka Jewther Vandross. I’m an actor, television personality, writer, plus-sized model, pregnant woman’s wet T-shirt contest judge, voice of a generation, and Himbo (yes, a male bimbo)
Why do you do it?
Because laughter is a gift, and I want to share that gift with as many people in the world as I can. LOLOLOL JK JK JK JK I want to get disgustingly rich, buy a pet ostrich for no reason, get breast implants, go to space, have a cute bi-racial child, and die by age 50.
Who’s one person worth following on any platform, not necessarily online?
Ellen Barkin must live somewhere in my neighbourhood because I see her constantly, she’s like 65 and still sooooo hot. I would dip her dirty underpants in a mug of hot water and make tea with them. I would then sip it while curled up with a good book.
What’s going to be huge in 2015? What (or who) needs to die?
Hot in 2015: adult onesies, negativity, 69ing (why don’t people 69 anymore???).
What needs to die is people pretending they don’t like Taylor Swift’s music. Yes, she’s a horrendous person and should actually die, but people need to stop lying to themselves and saying her music is not amazing. IT’S THE BEST.
Can you give us any insight into the shows you’re developing?
Writing for TV is the most fun. Right now I’m working on a show about the guys who worked in advertising on Madison Avenue in the 1960’s, the show centres around one central character who is known for his brooding, boozing, infidelity, and striking good looks. I think it could be a huge hit.
What are you reading?
Since I’ve become famous I don’t actually read anything to myself anymore, but I have a Filipino intern who reads everything to me. He has a beautiful speaking voice, right now he’s reading Please Kill Me by Legs McNeil to me, it’s about punk rock music. It’s fairly rad.
What’s your least favourite thing about the Internet?
My favourite thing about the Internet is that it’s an infinite ocean of smut, trillions of digital miles of bizarre pornography, like Japanese women blowing walruses and puking on each other’s vaginas while in zero-gravity space simulators. Oh, you said least favourite?
Please dictate your dream click bait headline for this article.
PLEASE LOOK AT THESE PHOTOS WE OBTAINED OF RYAN GOSLING NAKED AND OILED UP SITTING IN A BASKET OF PUPPIES EATING A BURRITO.
Where should we go for a drink(s) to get an idea of your New York?
There’s a gay bar in the Village called JULIUS that is only frequented by tough gays who work in construction or are firefighters who watch sports and like to fistfight each other and then aggressively tongue kiss. The chili is also divine. Go there.
What’s New York’s best kept secret?
That you can basically pay homeless people to do anything for you, they are totally willing and work for such reasonable prices. Somebody stole your parking spot? Pay a bum $5 to rub his penis on the guy’s door handle!
What’s one quintessential New York experience we should seek out?
They have these raves in Queens where thousands of Koreans dress like Pokémon and dance to deep house music while on copious amounts of ecstasy. It’s so fun!
What’s the city’s most dog-friendly hang-out and how can we get involved in that situation?
I don’t where the most friendly is, but I like the dog park in Chelsea because it’s all rich power gays with glasses who are so wealthy and own so many books just being such judgmental queens. They will hate you. And you will love it.
What do you want your epitaph to read?
‘LOVED CARBS. NEVER WORE A FEDORA.’
