I went on a semi long-haul flight last week. Well, like half of one – 9 hours to Thailand, to be specific. And mates, I saw some shit. Some real concerning shit people were wearing.

In short, people generally do wear the most fucked up stuff on flights. Sure, wear whatever the hell you want if you’re flying Brisbane – Sydney, for example. But when you’re stuck in an economy seat for 8+ hours? I just think you need to consider your life choices if you think, for example, nylon trackies are going to do it for you. Christ, nylon is the devil’s work. But that’s an aside.

I’m here to talk about jeans.

I reckon if I polled that flight from Thailand, around 50% of travellers were wearing jeans. JEANS. FOR EIGHT HOURS in a tiny economy seat. The mind boggles, and yet that’s some strong numbers on the team jeans side, isn’t it? It makes me think some of you reading this are sneaky jean-loving creeps who think denim is an appropriate choice for a long-haul flight. That’s what it makes me think. I’m suspicious of you.

Oh what’s that? You DO think jeans are fine for 14 hours to LA? Oh no. No no no.

Look, jeans can be comfy. They can. But you have to think of it like this – normally when you wear jeans and you think “god these bad boys are comfy”, you’re a) not at 20,000 altitude level with swollen limbs and b) not crushed into a tiny, unforgiving seat with someone’s seat back touching your nose bc they don’t understand the etiquette of NOT RECLINING THE ENTIRE WAY.

In situations like this, you are just trying to mentally survive. You want to pass out for as long as possible to make the heinous experience go faster. Jeans will not get you there.

When you’re flying economy, for example, you need to be able to bend your knees up to your neck and stick your feet into that little pouch on the back of the chair in front of you to get some respite, you know? You can’t do that in jeans you sweet fool.

Other things you can’t do in jeans – bend over and lie on your fold-out table, unless you undo the fly. Half-assed yoga outside the toot, also out of the question.

As a side note in general, denim is very much a daytime material anyway? It says “I am ready to do some activities, baby”, not “I am taking my over-the-counter sleeping tablet and passing out with my mouth open, baby”. Materials that say the latter: cotton, bamboo, other soft things that breathe. Choose these. Choose the right path.

And everyone knows you get bloated on planes c/o those salty weird (delicious, don’t @ me) meals and the altitude. What is the fundamental worst area to restrict when bloated? Your fucking STOMACH, right where your unrelenting denim waistband sits. Unless you’re in the mood to wander the aisles with your fly undone, you’re in for a world of torture.

To summarise – jeans are not leisure wear. And they’re certainly not pyjama-esque. Too many people seem to think they are and bop onto these 14 hour flights in them. Mates, jeans were developed to toil fields or mechanic shops or something, OK? Not for lounging around or trying to mentally survive Sydney – Abu Dhabi – London.

Just buy some trackies like the rest of us, you bloody weirdos.