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First up, I am going to ask you to undertake an unpleasant thought experiment: I want you to imagine a person with a Kiwi accent doing dirty talk. I’m not going to tell you what words to imagine, because this is not The Pervert Hour, but I want you to really imagine what it would be like if a Kiwi tried to do dirty talk to you. The best possible outcome is that you can’t. The worst possible outcome is that you can. Those in the middle are perhaps themselves Kiwis and have built up something of a tolerance to the horrible ways that the New Zealand accent interacts with sex.

I apologise for having put you through that ordeal, but it was to prove a point: The sheer ridiculousness of a poll in which people voted the New Zealand accent to be the sexiest in the world. The poll, which collected results from an undisclosed number of readers on the travel website Big 7, placed the Kiwi accent a full four places ahead of the Australian one, which was gently nestled between the Scottish accent in 6th and the Italian accent in 4th.

I’m not objecting to this nonsense result simply because of the inter-country rivalry between Australia and New Zealand — at best the Australian accent sounds like you’re being yelled at by a flock of birds. I’m objecting to this because of the other, substantially more deserving accents that were robbed: Spanish in 8th place. Irish in 3rd. Norwegian in 37th. Argentinean in 19th. Arabic in 22nd. Absolutely ridiculous.

No one tell the New Zealanders about this, it’ll go straight to their heads.

You can read the full list of results here.