Airbnb’s Most Cooked Coachella Cribs Will Get Your Nips Hard As Diamonds

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Published

April 13, 2016

There’s two types of people.

One, quite literally, sprays all those within a five metre radius with assorted bodily fluids whenever the word “festival” is muttered (followed by a scream that sounds like someone’s just thrown a burlap sack of cats under an 18-wheeler). The other faction has little time for the heat/sweat/excess and general shitcuntery most display when getting their groove-thang on for three consecutive days (*cough* flower crowns *cough*).

Regardless of which side you sit, there’s one thing on which everyone can find middle ground – assuming you’ve got enough cash.

Any festival, of any length, requires a luxe base of operations. Like, FUCK CAMPING???? FUCK STAYING IN SOME MOTEL WHOSE MAIN DRAW IS CUM STAINED SHEETS??? FUCK “the authentic experience”???

You’re throwing yourself into the filthy, despair-inducing belly of the beast and your digs should serve as a safe space to retreat to.

Attendees of Coachella know this well, chiefly because they’ve got the money to splash out on decadent dwellings. A lot of their chosen humble aboners fall into the catchment of Palm Springs, a suburb whose prices give Sydney a run for its money. Owners in the area are offering up a host of properties on Airbnb that’d be offensively perfect for all Cochella related festivities (/general living, because mansion). So, to make you feel that little bit shitter for not being able to have a phat cook-up with Kendall and Gigi this year, we’ve done a round-up of the too fabulous to function properties of the locale.

BEHOLD, AIRBNB’S MOST BANGING COACHELLA PADS IN PALM SPRINGS.

CONTEMPORARY DREAM – $1510 AUD PER NIGHT

4 BEDROOM / 3 BATHROOM

Photo: Luxury Retreats / Airbnb.

Fuck the American dream when its contemporary counterpart is undoubtedly a bad little bitch who’d be a whole heap of fun to hang out with.

As its description confirms, the property has seen a whole heap of praise:

“This luxury vacation home has been featured as ‘A Dream Vacation Home’ in Travel & Leisure Magazine, on NBC‘s #1 rated news magazine TV show Extra!, as an ‘Ultimate Destination’ on NBC’s Mansions and Millionaires, on CNN and in Palm Springs Life Magazine.”

If several media outlets (ourselves included) are feeling it, then you know its shit is tighter than Olivia Palermo‘s wardrobe game.

You can view the Contemporary Dream’s Airbnb listing HERE.

Photo: Luxury Retreats / Airbnb.

SKYFALL – $1420 AUD PER NIGHT

3 BEDROOM / 3.5 BATHROOM

Photo: Luxury Retreats / Airbnb.

LET THE SKY FALL AND LET IT FUCKING CRUMBLE ALL OVER MY FACE FUCK ME OH MY.

Suggestion: try and get a topless Daniel Craig as a permanent fixture????

You can view Skyfall’s listing Airbnb HERE.

Photo: Luxury Retreats / Airbnb.

CHAMPAGNE DREAM – $1101 AUD PER NIGHT

3 BEDROOM / 2.5 BATHROOM

Photo: Luxury Retreats / Airbnb.

“Mmmm, yes darling, let’s drink some champagne and rotate which fireplace we sit by for an entire evening – because I have SEVERAL fireplaces.”

“Say fireplace again.”

“Fireplace.”

We’re not entirely sure what Palm Springs’ obsession is with preempting the names of their properties with “dream” (personally, it’s a tad crass), but each to their own. God, just imagine the lush brunch spreads you could put on before getting 50 Shades of Fuck-Eyed at Coachella.

You can view Champagne Dream’s Airbnb listing HERE.

Photo: Luxury Retreats / Airbnb.

THE PARKER VILLA – $1183 AUD PER NIGHT

4 BEDROOMS / 4 BATHROOMS

Photo: Vacation Palm Springs / Airbnb.

Park’a yourself on me face, Parker Villa. Your saucy sixties-meets-naughties vibes are, y’know, quite naughty – and that’s a-okay with us.

INTERESTING FACT: the neighbourhood in which Parker Villa falls within is called Movie Colony East (zomg SOOOO LA, right?!). Could this place *BE* anymore Palm Springs? Probably fah-kin not, ay.

You can view The Parker Villa’s Airbnb listing HERE.