Instagram has one billion users worldwide and roughly 999 million of these are ~ influencers ~. We’re at capacity. Please do not attempt entry. Game over.

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I mean, I get it – it’s tempting to sign yourself up for free gear on the reg when your ass looks decent in a G-banger. Sadly, this is not the case for many of us who have to take other, more extreme measures. This is why I now present to you, ways to up your Instagram game without looking like you wanna slide into the Insta-famous realm.

LEAD AN INTERESTING LIFE

If all you do is get up and go to work every day no one’s really going to invest their eyeballs into your existence – I mean, unless you work at a doggy daycare facility in which case, proceed.

Hear me out. If you travel? People are gonna engage with aspirational imagery of a place they’ve either a) been before or b) might someday want to go to. If you have a hobby people can learn from or enjoy – like meditation, cooking, photography, art – people are going to double-tap that out of pure recognition and interest. If you take a photo against a fuschia coloured wall? People won’t like you. It’s just (modern) science.

POST LEGIT QUALITY STUFF

Instagram is not just a narcissistic portfolio – it should act as a creative outlet or a home for all of your personal interests. That being said, don’t just slap up a dodgy 30-sec clip from the nosebleed section of a gig with shoddy audio. Make it actual #content.

Show that you give a fuck or two. Sharpen it. Brighten it. Bop it. You know?

UP YOUR CAPTION GAME

I don’t care what anyone’s told you, it’s all in the caption. (Hell, PEDESTRIAN.TV would know – punny Facebook captions are v. much our thang.) I don’t even care if it’s dad-joke level of funny. Christ, take a photo of a graveyard and caption it, ‘Dying over this view’. Just make it impossible not to like your post, you know? There’s a reason memes pop up everywhere in your life – people are liking the jeebus out of them because they can’t NOT.

TAG, HASHTAG + GEOTAG APPROPRIATELY

Here’s the thing – tagging 25 different brands (lol we know none of them paid you to do so) isn’t going to get you followers. It’ll make you look more desperate than Lindsay Lohan‘s relevance.

What will get you discovered, however, is geo-tagging your location, on your feed and Stories. People look at location tags all the time for travel inspiration or to try and find the hot babe they saw in the park that fateful day. Users also search hashtags, and sometimes even follow them, so if you can incorporate a hashtag into your pisstake-y, punny caption all the power to you. If you can’t, tack one (or two, max) onto the end. If all else fails just add #keto to every post and watch the results swim in.

Image: Instagram / phoebejtonkin