Woohoo-ing is fun, particularly when you’re a horny, hormonal pubescent in the midst of a 4-day Sims bender and the only way you can alleviate said horniness is by projecting all your frustrations out on a couple of unsuspecting Sims.

From 2000’s The Sims to Sims 4, we’ve witnessed an incredible evolution in Sim fucking. But when considering each instalment’s woohoo-ing capabilities, how do they stack up against each other? Which Sims game embodies sexual enlightenment? Conversely, which one tries its damndest but ultimately gives a, well, flaccid effort?

I tasked myself with the great responsibility to rank the Sims games by how horny their woohoo-ing is. It’s time to jump in the sack, you horny cyber-devils.

4TH PLACE – SIMS 3

Don’t get me wrong: I love Sims 3, it’s probably my favourite out of the various instalments. But when considering its woohoo-ing capabilities, and woohoo-ing capabilities alone, the seks was… dare I say… rather bland? Yes, the hand holding at the start was cute, and yes, the violins were sonically pleasing, and sure, the petals were a vision, but where were the damn fireworks (literally and symbolically)? Given its predecessors – more on that later – it simply wasn’t as raunchy, and this left me a sad, horny user.

3RD PLACE – SIMS

Three words: Vibromatic Heart Bed. The sleezy bed was introduced as part of the The Sims: Livin’ Large expansion pack, allowing our precious, sexually-frustrated Sims to get it on and ‘play’.

The ‘vibrate’ and ‘play’ functions in the love bed – which now looks super fucking tacky – created a sleazy motel vibe, but who doesn’t love the odd stale motel romper session? Actually, on second thoughts, we love a naughty motel romper session. Kudos to you, Vibromatic Heart Bed.

The function itself was also admirable – computer game fucking was unprecedented in 2000, so Sims was a pioneer for its ‘playing’.

Sims gets extra points because I was like 8 at the time so this function was extra horny and dangerous.

Extra, extra points for its “Move_objects on” cheat that’d allow you to remove the bed and show the Sims hugging naked while suspended in the air. (Hehehhe.)

2ND PLACE – SIMS 4

It’s essentially Sims 3 but in higher definition. Slightly boring, but I think that’s because we’re older now and are expecting something equivalent to Pornhub. It gets silver because you can woohoo in a rocketship. Respect.

1ST PLACE – SIMS 2

With the inclusion of cut-scenes and a full cinematic production whenever a couple woohoo’d, Sims 2 was hands-down the horniest game out there. Like, next level horny – I still get flustered thinking about it.

When it was time to get down to business, I would gain intense satisfaction from watching the same 30-second motion picture that would ensue, complete with closeups of intense snogging, flailing limbs and a cat-and-mouse narrative that was absolutely deserving of a Logie. (Shout outs to those who made their Sims fuck in the walk-in wardrobe to avoid the motion picture, you dirty rabbits.)

The developers did not come to play… or maybe they DID come to play… Long story short, Sims 2 production meetings must have been so unbelievable horny.

IT’S SO EXTRA. I DIE (in admiration).

Supalu froonamu suli. (‘I don’t know where I’d be without Sims woohoo’ing. Thank you forever’ in Simlish.)

Image: YouTube / DangerouslyFunny / ; Reddit / TheIntrovertedSimmer