TREMENDOUS NEWS: Scientists Discover Uranus Actually Smells Like Farts

Long-time ass planet Uranus has been called out by scientists for legitimately smelling like farts today and I just can’t handle the good news. A Tremendous discovery that has validated countless jokes, 80 per cent of which I’d wager were told by dads.

Published in the journal Nature Astronomy, the observations were made by a team of researchers at a telescope in Hawaii. While ground telescopes and the Voyager 2 space probe have made similar observations in the past, it’s the first time astronomers have been able to get a clear reading of the planet’s composition, which is farts.

Well, okay, the gas hasn’t come directly from an ass, but it’s the next best thing. It turns out the upper atmosphere of Uranus is dominated by hydrogen sulfide, which is a molecule that stinks like rotten eggs and is often present in your farts.

The previous observations I mentioned earlier detected traces of hydrogen sulfide and ammonia, but there wasn’t enough evidence to say for sure. Now they’re certain that the planet stinks, man. Well, it’ll depend on where you stand, as the gas only smells like ass at concentrations of around 3 to 5 parts per million.

At levels above 30, hydrogen sulfide allegedly smells sickly sweet and will fuck you up real good with fatigue, loss of appetite, and dizziness. Yeah, I’ll just stand back and smell the farts, thanks.

Of course, scientists haven’t sniffed planet butt for themselves, they used an instrument called a Near-Infrared Integral Field Spectrometer, which measures infrared light from and breaks it into its component wavelengths.

In other words, light reflects differently off different things, so by measuring the different wavelengths coming from the planet, they have a pretty good idea of what it’s made up of. Think of it like a planet’s fingerprint. Or ass print in this case, I guess.

If that kind of science has got you all hot and bothered, there’s an insanely good documentary series called Cosmos that covers how the method was born and how it works. I cannot recommend it enough.

Back on the topic of planet ass – and I will call it nothing else from now on – the discovery actually sheds some light on how the outer planets of the solar system were formed, which is pretty cool to know.

You know who else will be stoked? Your dad, who will continue to make jokes about “your anus” forever. You will cringe, but deep down, you know that shit is fucking hilarious.