The Super Mario franchise is undoubtedly Nintendo‘s crowing achievement. The stout Italian plumber and his massive cast of supporting characters – both friend and foe – have become part of an enormous world that’s spanned three decades.
After so many years of jumping on the heads of thousands of enemies, you get to know those who are worthy adversaries, and those who just plain suck. As you can probably tell, I’ve put a fair bit of thought into the latter.
This is by no means an exhaustive list – no one has that much time – but rather, a top 10 list of the most-suckworthy enemies in the Mario universe. Let us begin.
Goombas
Goombas are annoying, but mostly harmless.
I mean, all this pile of shit with legs can do is slowly walk into you, so the danger level is low as hell. Squash them into the ground and move on with your life.
Spewart
For starters, his name is Spewart, which is almost enough to justify 9th place on its own, but let’s continue for shits and giggles.
This disproportioned rabbit appears as a boss a number of times in Super Mario Odyssey and in all honesty, I don’t know how he gets anything done with such a distinct lack of neck.
To no one’s surprise, Spewart’s special ability is literally spewing, which you might argue is the opposite of sucking, but in my mind, relying on purple vomit to intimidate your enemies shows a real lack of character. Spewart sucks, folks.
King Bob-omb
First appearing in Super Mario 64, King Bob-omb is like a normal Bob-omb, only larger are slightly more regal.
He declares himself the “lord of all blasting matter”, but if you want my opinion – and you do – he is a fraud and I will never yield to him.
In short, if you can be picked up by the ass and thrown around to your death, you do not deserve to be a king. Usurp him.
Lakitu
Despite looking rather cheerful, this motherfucker is so riled up he hurls “Spiny Eggs“ at Mario from a cloud. Yes, they’re actually called Spiny Eggs.
The reason this nimbus-riding piece of shit sucks so much is because he’s inconsistent. One second he’s raining hell from the skies, and the next he’s joyfully holding the lights in Mario Kart or reffing a game of Mario Tennis.
Make up your choice, loser.
Grindel
Grindel is from Super Mario 64 and he sucks purely for his face.
Fuck you, Grindel.
Boo
This ghostly fella talks a big game with his stupid “scary” face, but in actuality, Boo is a pussy.
Appearing in a huge number of Mario games, his schtick is largely the same throughout – he’ll sneak up on you only when your back is turned, and hide his face in his hands when you turn around.
Boo can be stopped in his tracks by nothing more than a low-level staunch. Boo is a coward.
Bowser Junior
Bowser Junior is regular Bowser’s son and let me tell you something – he’s a little bitch.
Without getting into the blatant nepotism that gave this entitled piece of shit the powers he is clearly unable to comprehend, Junior blindly carries out the evil wishes of his father and usually eats shit in the process. When things don’t go his way – which is usually the case – he runs to daddy because he is incapable of living his own life.
Interestingly, the games allow Mario, an Italian adult, to beat the shit out of this child who is also a turtle of some variety. Do with that what you will.
Angry Sun
Most notable for its blood-boiling appearance in Super Mario Bros. 3, Angry Sun is a sentient ball of fire who swoops down on Mario with an immense fury.
Don’t get me wrong, Angry Sun is a worthy foe. He’s difficult and above all, infuriating, but he’s also a filthy imposter – he is not actually the Sun.
Do you expect me to believe the Sun – which has a diameter 109 times the size of Earth’s – could swoop down on a single person without destroying the entire planet? Fuck. No.
Therefore, Angry Sun is merely a nondescript sphere of hot plasma with little worth.
Don Bongo
Don Bongo is a big blithering idiot who lives in the world of Yoshi’s Story. To defeat him, you must pelt his enormous rubber lips with eggs.
When literally sucking eggs is the thing that kills you, I have no choice but to award you with a top tier suck-level.
8-Bit Bowser
Hooo boy, here he is. The big man, the big kahuna, “The Boss”. Get the fuck outta here. 8-bit Bowser thinks he’s a “boss” the same way Donald Trump thinks his hair is firmly affixed to his hideous orange bonce.
There’s so much build up to 8-bit Bowser in Super Mario Bros. I mean, this is the guy that kidnapped your girlfriend, yet when you finally get to him, he’s brought down by simply jumping over his head. That’s all it takes. A well-timed jump onto a battle-axe at the end of a bridge. Or if you consider yourself a ~fancy~ gamer, you can pelt him with fireballs, and even then, it doesn’t take that many of them to do the trick.
This version of Bowser does not, in my opinion, live up to the expectations of a final boss, and that’s why he sucks the most.