Greetings Autobots. Allow me to take a moment of your time to transform your perspective a little bit. It’s time that we talk about the mechanical daddy, the forbidden hunk of metallic junk, Optimus Prime. You could say it’s prime time, baby.

Am I attracted to cars? Nah, not for me. Am I wildly attracted to Optimus Prime, leader of half of the badass sentient self-configuring modular robotic lifeforms, the Transformers? Yes, I am, but I’m tired of everyone else pretending that they don’t see it too.

Look at this man’s (?) chiselled jawline? His steamy (literally) pecs. He’ll change your life, and then literally change into a car to take you wherever you want to go. A king. A hero.

optimus prime
I’m simply waiting patiently to have my petrol filled.

Now look, the Transformers movies were a heaping pile of hot garbage, but Daddy, I mean, Optimus Prime offered up the ‘hot’ part.

He kicked ass, he had a fkn sword for no god damn reason, and he’s hella tall. Girls, gays and theys, you KNOW we love someone who is so tall that we can koala cuddle them. This right here is your guy.

On the other hand, the garbage part of the films was readily provided by Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox, who had to feign some semblance of a spark on-screen… followed by Shia and Isabel Lucas mustering up the ability to appear half-awake in the second film… and then Shia and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley pretending they weren’t just there for the paycheck in the third.

To be honest, I think what made Optimus Prime so god damn attractive was his ability to carry every single Transformers film on his back. He was the leading man. Not to mention the fact that he was voiced by the same guy (Peter Cullen) in every movie.

And what a performance. That deep, raspy, metallic voice still rings in my head to this day. So authoritative. So commanding. And yet, so, so calm? Maybe I’m really just attracted to Cullen’s voice acting abilities, but pair them with a red and blue assortment of ever-shifting metal and you’ve got me hooked.

optimus prime
Alexa, play Daddy Cool by Boney M.

Without papa Prime, I reckon the movies would be even worse than they already are. I mean, there’s only so much Bumblebee can do to save it, and Bumblebee isn’t even that hot so, fuck that.

I would like to see Optimus Prime appear more in the unconventionally attractive characters in cinema lists, please. I mean, you binches frothed over Simba, who is very clearly a lion, so don’t judge me so harshly. At least papa Prime appears in the shape of a man.

If you need me, I’m going to be sitting in my car (that I wish was Optimus Prime) and waiting for the world to embrace this completely normal attraction to the one true metallic king.

You can catch every single Transformers movie on Stan.