New Study Susses Why Trolls Furiously Orgasm Over Putting Us All Down

Imagine walking into your crib to find a loaf of mouldy bread that’s been covered in crusty dog shit. Logic tells you that there couldn’t possibly be a singular human who’d be motivated to smear crusty dog shit on a mouldy loaf of bread, but there it fucking is – sitting on your granite bench-top, stanking out your kitchen. 
Alas, logic has failed you. Just like how it’ll fail you when trying to comprehend why internet trolls behave the way that they do, because if there was a digital way of covering a mouldy loaf of bread in crusty dog shit, they’d be dropping it in your comment thread five minutes ago. 
Research conducted by Federation University (the first of its kind in Australia, FYI) has THANKFULLY answered some of the Q’s surrounding what’s making internet trolls tick. Sadly, however, it was launched after the death of Charlotte Dawson in 2014 who, after tirades of online attacks, took her own life. 
Spearheaded by the uni’s psychology researcher Dr Evita March (you’re doing the lord’s work, Dr March), the study surveyed close to 400 people and uncovered several attributes that Facebook trolls usually possess. Additionally, it honed in on who the typical troll is, claiming they’re normally gents who metaphorically jack off / rub their nipples after creating an uproar of mayhem.
“They take enjoyment from hurting others,” says March.
“They have low empathy, are callous and they are higher in psychopathy and sadism… They are really motivated by creating this mayhem.”
“It’s almost like a release for some people.”
This whole release thang really demonstrates their deviation from basic human behaviour. Like, why can’t you just masturbate like the rest of us? 
March reckons one in three people admit they’re guilty of trolling in some capacity, but only 10% of those surveyed believe they’re cyber bullies.
Trying to expose their shitcuntery to the public at large isn’t the best way to combat them, ‘cause they’re often operating on fake accounts. Actually, March says being all like, ‘YO, LOOK AT THIS ASSHOLE,’ can get them even closer to climax.

“They are not going to feel shame, they want that attention, it’s reinforcing.” 
Her advice, which is a bit *tugs shirt collar*, is to try and ignore a troll’s comments.
“If we can educate people not to take it personally, that’s probably the best first step.”
“It’s about giving people the tools so they can psychologically protect themselves and prevent adverse affects on themselves.”
Seeing as the laws and regulations around cyber bullying are in their infancy, we wholeheartedly get where March’s coming from by suggesting a T-Swift, shake it off approach. However, the idea does have a, ‘just ignore that douchelord on the bus being a racist / sexist / homophobe,’ kinda vibe to it. If something horrible that’s said IRL could potentially lead to criminal charges, trolls should cop the same punishment. 
Lock up the trolls pls. Lock them up somewhere out of sight ‘n out of mind. Perhaps we should fang ’em all into the nearest…


Source: Herald Sun.
Photo: Harry Potter.

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