It’s literally an understatement when I say there is a smorgasbord of direct message platforms available to each and every person to communicate with these days. Texting for the day ones, Facebook Messenger for the housemate group chat, Insta DMs for the potential baes, Signal for the weed man, Snapchat messaging for the extra sneaky bastards, WhatsApp for your back up weed man who only uses WhatsApp, Twitter DMs to be told you’re a dumbass etc etc. My banking app even has a direct message function, I have no idea why. Add me though, I’m @ilovemoney69. 

These all exist because our phones are now our social lives. Sad? Yes, but convenient? Abso-fucking-lutely. We’re too socially fucked for anything else but messaging these days anyway. I just tried a phone call with my new online boyfriend and let me tell you what a disaster that was! We are all defs worse off for the messaging life, but we love it too much to care or give it up. It is here to stay.

So, even though asking people what the last message they sent was is a très private, personal and revealing question, we did it anyway, for your amusement and mine! Our latest episode of 27 Pedestrians put 27 of you on the spot. The answers we received ranged from ‘Does tomorrow work for you?’ to ‘Suck this tissue’. Yes, we are judging you based on this information.

(New to 27 Pedestrians? It’s our six-month docuseries, asking the same young Aussies to spill all their secrets and settle some debates. Catch up on what’s going on here.)

So in the spirit of things, we also decided to judge your last text messages. Yes, you, the reader. Hi! We’re judging.

What does your last text message say about you? A definite guide.

This is science.

“I’ll shoot across and email EOW ahead of Tuesday’s next shoot :-)”

If you’ve sent a message like this, you are clearly a busy bee who is at the top of their game. You mean business always. To me, this a message like this tells me you are equal parts organized and scary. At first glance, the old fashion smiley emoticon adds the touch of warmth necessary to keep your co-workers happy but it’s also intimidating AF.

There is no room for error 🙂
Don’t let me down 🙂
Or I will end you 🙂

🙂

“YES”

You are still on for that doctor’s appointment you booked merely 2 minutes ago. Or, you will be home to receive your package tomorrow. It took the latter end of the delivery window to arrive and you are kind of pissed about it. The text before asked you to reply YES or NO and you abided. You didn’t want to risk a reply in the lower case because, given your luck, something would have defs gone wrong.

“That poem is so fuckin hot”

You have the correct priorities in life. You are messaging someone equally as great as you and I wish to be in a group chat with you. Needless to say, your sex life is off the Richter scale and there are multiple people lining up for a poetic session with you. You smell nice always.

“Sleep well bubba xo”

If this was your last message you are definitely young, in love and your bae is trapped in Melbourne. The person you sent to is on your mind ALOT and your professional life is suffering. The long-distance is getting to you big time so these good morning/night texts are regular and are of paramount importance. Perhaps you sent a bed selfie with this. I wish you lovebirds the best.

“This one definitely seems real”

You or your friend has been swindled in the past, but you are pretty confident it won’t happen this time. Perhaps you were caught up in that puppy scam. You have done your research this time. Blue skies from here on out.

“Call Me”

Wow. You are a rare breed, indeed. An old soul and I wish I were more like you. Either that or someone is in deep trouble with you, in which case I don’t love you as much anymore. Be nice to them they might be having a hard day.

“Suck this tissue”

You’ll have to watch 27 Pedestrians to find out that one.

Image: Euphoria