I’m one of those gamers who tends to gravitate towards old favourites, and play the same couple of things over and over again, for the comfort of getting lost in a familiar world. That’s why in lockdown, instead of loading up one of the many unplayed games on my shelf of shame, I opted to play through Dragon Age: Inquisition for a third time. Six years later, it still holds up as an excellent RPG, but more importantly, playing it meant I got to spend time with Iron Bull, my Dragon Age boyfriend and possibly the horniest man in all of gaming.
Inquisition has all the things I crave in a video game: A series of big, pretty areas to explore, lots of monsters to kill and quests to complete, and of course, an enormous man with an even bigger pair of horns, who will slap you on the butt and then wreck it so good you can’t even walk afterwards. What’s not to love about that?
Hey big boy.
One of the things I like about Dragon Age and other Bioware games is that they give you the freedom to develop a romantic bond with a wide array of characters, gay, straight or bi. It’s not essential to do so, and you can avoid the romance side of things completely if you want to, but I’m all for it. The ability to see yourself represented as a gay man in a game really does make it feel that extra little bit special, and it might sound corny, but I like the fact that I get to go out and slay hordes of monsters with my big, brawny boyfriend swinging an axe by my side. (My actual, real-life boyfriend knows about my relationship with Iron Bull, and is grudgingly fine with it).
I installed Inquisition on my PS4 a few weeks into iso, and set about creating my character, a human rogue with a busted nose, a pleasingly chiseled jawline and just a hint of facial hair. (Just as a side note, this is one of my favourite things in all of gaming. I love a good, deep character creator, and if the game allows it, I’ll spend hours upon hours making the perfect dumb, horny twink, and then only reluctantly carry on with the rest of the game).
ANYWAY, for this playthrough, I created Maxwell, for the express purpose of getting absolutely railed by Iron Bull. Here he is. He’s so pretty. Ignore the mess of cords under my TV, by the way:
When I started this playthrough, my boyfriend (the real life one) suggested that I might like to try romancing someone else this time, maybe Dorian, the dashing gay mage. I think he was just jealous. I thought about it for a second, but I decided that my heart belongs to Iron Bull. I would have felt like I was cheating on him if I romanced any other character, and I would never do him dirty like that when we’ve been through so much together.
So what is it that makes Iron Bull so irresistible? Well, for one, he is 7’3, with another few feet of horns on top of that, and we all know how gays feel about a tall man:
For another, he’s a rugged and soulful type of guy. A one-eyed mercenary, he has a huge chest and a commanding presence and speaks in a gravelly, manly voice (provided by Freddie Prinze Jr). After he joins your party, you can bond with him by taking him out into battle with you, and before long, he’s flirting with you and talking about getting his cork popped. He’s horny as hell, and if you play your cards right, it wont be long until you’re riding the bull (this is not something I made up, by the way, this is actual dialogue from the game).
Of course, Iron Bull is also a good guy. He cares deeply about his scrappy team of mercenaries, The Chargers – he treats them like family, an they all adore him in return. Good leadership is a sexy quality! There’s also the added twist that his people, the Qunari, don’t have sex for love, even though they’re very good at it. If you want to seal your bond with him as the game progresses, you have to slay a dragon, then break its tooth in half to make matching necklaces for the two of you. Then, no matter how far apart life takes you, you’re always together – it’s a tender moment, and I’m honestly in a puddle just thinking about it.
I’m almost 100 hours into my current playthrough of Inquisition and it’ll all be over soon. I only have a few final quests to do and a final boss to fight, and I’m actually pretty sad about it, because I hate it when games end. I’m already thinking about loading this game up again in a year or so, and meeting Iron Bull in that same place on the beach at the Storm Coast. Until next time, you horny bastard.
