Iso Confession: I Like To Make An Entrance By Arriving Fashionably Late To All Zoom Meetings

As we settle into the new norm, we’ve had to adapt many of our normal practices to fit in with our now-virtual-centered reality. For example, while some have resorted to livestream living room workout sessions, others have found solace in a booze-fuelled House Party session in lieu of clubbing. It’s not like our habits are necessarily changing; we’re just finding new ways – or means – to fulfil these habits.

With this in mind, I bring you a confession. 

Before ‘rona, and like a lot of people, I simply despised the thought of going to any form of social gathering early. Be it a house party, a club or brunch, I’d wait for other people to arrive first before I strutted my ungrateful ass through the door. This is obviously a sentiment that’s felt by many, but here are some cute dot points as to why this phenomenon pertains to yours truly:

  • The thought of arriving first and waiting on my lonesome is enough to make me not want to leave the house at all.
  • I don’t want to awkwardly sit around and make small talk with the first few arrivals.
  • I loathe small talk, by the way.
  • And, I don’t know, I just want the vibes to be… not shit, and the thought of entering a room that’s full of people and conversion and positive juju is a more appetising prospect. Sue me.

I thought the fear of being a first arriver would disappear during self-isolation, given that I live by myself, but no… As mentioned above, I simply found a new way to manifest this fear: virtual chats.

Whether it be on Zoom or House Party, I will absolutely not be the first person in the chatroom. I’m sorry. I won’t be.

Why? Because it’s the only way I can live out my fashionably late fantasy while cooped up with no one but my pot plant and kettle. I need to feel the fantasy somehow.

Say there’s some type of plan to jump onto Zoom or House Party at 3… I’ll wait until 3.02, click onto the chat room, see who’s already and, then, when the moment is just right, I’ll pounce. I’ll open that metaphorical door, and strut down that virtual runway with poise, elegance and certainty. 

Hello peasants. What brings y’all here? My outfit? No, I just rolled out of bed, hun. Nothing much to report.

My arrival will be noted, goddammit, and I‘ll continue transferring my IRL bad habits to the new virtual norm. And that’s on personal growth.

Thanks for listening. Alexa, play Rihanna‘s Unapologetic.


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