I Tried Dyson’s New Big Bitch Vacuum Cleaner & I’m Gonna Marry It

Dyson v11 Outsize

Dyson vacuum cleaners are a cult. If you have one, you love it like it’s your first-born child and often bring it out when drunk to prove it’s glory to your mates.

Dyson bring out new models of their famous stick vacuum regularly. Each time, they aren’t fucking around. It’s like they’re a company of uber competitive nerds who spend 24/7 in labs figuring out how to make their older model look like a babies vacuum compared to whatever the new one is.

The Cyclone v10? 20% more suction than it’s predecessor. The v11? 40 PERCENT MORE SUCTION than the v10, and had this weird adaptive intelligence that meant it knew if you were vacuuming carpet or floorboards. If anyone is going to create Skynet, it’s probably Dyson.

The latest model from these guys is the Dyson v11 Outsize. You’d think given it’s the same model, it would just be a gimmicky extension of the range, right? WRONG.

While the Dyson v11 Outsize does have the same tech involved as the v11 OG, it’s big bitch status actually makes a huge difference when cleaning your place.

Yep, the Dyson v11 Outsize is a BIG bitch. It requires tempo, as Lizzo would say. It’s got a 25% wider cleaning head and a 150% bigger bin. This is a vacuum for lazy shits like me.

Just in case you aren’t across the v11, I’ll fill you in on some of the OG tech. There are three modes – Eco, Auto and Boost. Eco is about conserving the battery run time. It still works well, but is operating as low as possible while giving you the good clean. Auto is your standard and will do a 10/10 job, but because I am a psychopath I like to set mine to Boost. It’s the highest power you can have on your Dyson, and means the run time is like, 15 minutes – which is kind of a challenge for me like, can I zoom around the house smiting my dust enemies in 15 minutes? YES I FUCKING CAN.

The brush head has both bristles to get dirt from carpets, and carbon fibre filaments to catch dust on floorboards. This thing means business – it even removes dust mites, which are these little shits that cause hayfever and also look disgusting. Do not google them, you will be scarred for life.

In practice, I was honestly skeptical the v11 Outsize would make any difference compared to the OG v11, which I’ve also trialled in the past. I quite enjoy vacuuming the house, and I found the v11 did a great job.

But that big head means all that Dyson v11 power is working across a 25% bigger space, which meant – you guessed it – I powered through the living room and bedrooms. POWERED through, my friends. I actually think it took me 50% less time to vacuum because I wasn’t whizzing the thing all over the shop, I could move in clean lines because of that gigantic bonce on the machine.

Again for lazy folks like me, that 150% bigger bin is a real vibe. Less cleaning it out! I hate cleaning the vac out! There’s also a little bit of new tech in the bin, because while I said the tech in the Dyson v11 Outsize is the same as the v11, I forgot to mention that those competitive nerds couldn’t go one second without coming up with some new fancy shit. Where the v11 you have to pull bits of your hair off the cylinder in the middle, the v11 Outsize pushes it off for you as you empty. Love this for me and my shedding problem.

Another new benefit – you can easily remove the spinny bit on the head and clean it off. Again, I think Dyson just designed this vacuum for me and my hair shedding?? Maybe?

But by far the best thing about Dyson vacuums, besides their power and ease of use, is how they test them for clumsy fuckers like myself. Honest to god, I have sat through that many Dyson tech briefings across all their product types and there’s always a segment where they go “and then we threw it on the ground 400 times to check it could withstand being dropped! We whacked it against a wall 5,550 times! We hurled it out of a moving car!” and so on. They properly whip their products so when someone who has no care for anything they own (me) hurtles their vac into the wall repeatedly to try and get that one bit of toast crumb without having to go get the funnel head out of the cupboard, they won’t break their machine in the process.

Like obviously don’t hurl yours out of a moving car, but these things are made to last the distance and not disintegrate the moment you bash it into the edge of your bed.

Do you need to replace your totally working Dyson with the v11 Outsize? No, der. That would be wasteful. But if your existing vac is bung, or you’ve always wanted to invest in a Dyson and have found yourself flush with some cash – it’s a great investment, in my opinion. I say flush with cash because this baby isn’t cheap. The Dyson v11 Outsize will cost you $1,299, so yes it is an INVESTMENT. But it’s not a shit one, and come on as if you haven’t spent that much cash on video games during iso. Don’t lie.

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