I don’t mean to alarm you but “Wellness Barbie” exists now and I’m fairly certain Gwyneth Paltrow’s minions had something to do with this.

Barbie has sure come a long way since I was a child. I distinctly remember pregnant Barbie being the coolest thing since sliced bread. But Barbs has ditched the baby in her uterus for some fucking jade eggs and is on a ~spiritual~ wellness journey.

As Pedestrian.TV’s resident Goopoholic (not my actual title but feel free to email in and demand them to make it official), I simply could not pass up the opportunity to further investigate this elite-tier Goopiness. And boy, oh boy, I’m fully Gooped out at this point. Honestly,

Mattel, the company behind Barbie, recently unveiled a whole new range of dolls including some inspired by feminist icons like Rosa Parks, which is pretty darn cool. But in addition to their inspiring Barbies, they’re also modernising our childhood queen and making her truly fit for 2020.

May I present to you, Wellness Barbie.

This is by far the Goopiest shit I’ve ever seen marketed to children. I’m convinced if you buy this for your kids they’ll be talking about jade eggs and gua sha before they’re old enough to do long division (does anybody do long division anymore?).

“The Barbie Wellness collection will introduce girls to the benefits of self-care through play…The collection teaches girls daily routines that promote emotional well-being and includes three key themes: meditation, physical well-being, and self-care; because Barbie knows to be one’s best is to give yourself the best care,” the press release read, according to Cosmopolitan.

But this isn’t just an individual doll, no. There’s a wellness Barbie to suit every kind of 3-year-old Goop goddess.

There’s Fashionista Breathe With Me Barbie, who’s all about meditation (probably a good thing to teach young kids), Spa Barbie, who’s a sucker for a good bath bomb or candle and then there’s Fitness Barbie – who is only seen wearing the most expensive athleisure with a protein bar and weights in hand.

You can also get three additional play sets to really make your kids crave that Goop life, ensuring they’ll be asking for a Gwyneth Paltrow vagina candle by the time they’re 14.

I agree, we should be teaching kids the importance of self-care such as meditation and seeing a fucking therapist, but maybe lets not condition them into believing they can solve all of life’s problems with a bath bomb, an expensive candle and a protein bar. Just a thought.

Image: Barbie