It’s safe to say that dressing schmick in summer comes with its fair share of challenges.
What if I sweat through my mesh shirt? What happens if it gets cold and I’ve got my nips out? How do I hide a pack of ice in my crotch without it looking like a peen? Will I be let into the bar with my new pair of cutoff booty shorts?
Just listing those challenges gave me crippling anxiety.
Not to fear though, I’ve rustled up a couple of options that’ll keep you cool, calm and collected, plus you’ll be batting strangers off with a stick coz you’re looking so damn fucken fine.
THE LINEN SHORTS
THE ACADEMY BRAND – RIVIERA LINEN SHORT WHITE $79.95
I don’t know why I have to keep reminding people about this, but for the last time: linen is in, latex is out.
You’d think that not wearing tight latex clothes on a 30+ degree day would just be common sense to most people, but nope, I’ve spied with my judging eye, upwards of two people on the verge of passing out because they’ve crammed their overheated tuchus into what is essentially plastic.
Linen is quite literally the polar opposite – breathable, flowy, and you won’t get swamp ass.
THE BUCKET HAT
THRILLS – CORD BUCKET HAT SUNLIGHT YELLOW CORD $39.99
If you’ve had a squiz at the back of 70-year-olds’ necks, you’d have noticed a texture not dissimilar to leather.
That’s purely because suncare wasn’t really a priority for people back then. I have good word that people used to coat themselves in baby oil, burn themselves to a crisp and then slap on some aloe.
Guys, if you want your skin to resemble skin in your old age, invest in a hat.
That’s the bare minimum you can do, too.
THE CREASE-PROOF SHIRT
BARNEY COOLS – HOLIDAY SS SHIRT WHITE MULTI STRIPE $89.95
This may seem like a normal shirt at a glance but you would be dead wrong – it’s actually made out of a crease-proof material I’ve literally just learned is called rayon.
Anything crease-proof is a win in my book because I’d rather give a cactus oral than spend five minutes ironing anything.
THE GO-TO DRESS
PERFECT STRANGER – ONE DANCE MIDI DRESS BLACK PRINT $79.95
My theory is that if you’ve put enough sunscreen on (didn’t know this would turn into a sun-smart lecture but here we are), the less you wear in summer, the better.
Of course, certain restaurants don’t let you eat there naked (discrimination), so your second-best bet is to wear clothes that allow as much airflow as possible.
Case in point: the Perfect Stranger dress above.
THE BLACK TEE
WRANGLER – RISE LOGO TEE WORN BLACK $49.95
I don’t care what time of the year it is, a black tee is never a miss.
Why? Well, I don’t really know, and I’d ask you not to question my authority. Weren’t you taught to do as strangers say without question?
(God I hope not, otherwise you’re probably also one of those kids who would jump in a van at the first mention of lollies.)
THE BIKINI/FORMAL ATTIRE
PERFECT STRANGER – EMERY UNDERWIRE BIKINI TOP BLACK $59.95
Naturally, you’re going to stay quite cool (literally and figuratively) in swimwear.
But, what if I told you that people are wearing bikini tops disguised as normal tops. It’s happening – lean into it.
It’s quite genius actually, simply because you can go from the beach to a wedding without so much as chucking on a skirt.
Granted, the bride and groom/bride and bride/groom and groom might be a tad insulted by your wet appearance and barely-there bikini at their special day, but fuck ’em – it’s your special day too.
