Top ten babewatch spots in Bogota



In this installment of the Smirnoff Start Pure City Guide series, we answer The Eternal Question of Life: where do you find babes in Bogotá?

Is the answer ‘everywhere’? Yes, most probably. But is it also more complicated than that? Most definitely. Please read on and enjoy the bey.ond scrumptious ‘Colombia’ cocktail recipe. Happy babewatching!

First of all, I might not be the best person to down you with the low of Bogotá because I basically lost the will to live during my time in Colombia. But if you like bad empanadas filled with Spam (yes, Spampanadas) Salsa / Cumbia music played non stop at ear splitting volumes and multiple police searches by depressingly young involuntary police officers, then friend – Colombia is for you!

There were actually two things that made even my violent food poisoning worth the trip – I saw a man pulling a donkey cart full of stray dogs down the freeway and I saw a LOT of Colombian women. Everything you’ve heard is true. Being a fairly normal Australian gal myself there was no point even getting jealous of their perfect honey skin, inky hair and supercalifragilisticexpialidocious butts, it was game over the second I got off the plane. Not even their confounding penchant for skin tight, acid wash, diamante encrusted jeans and banana clips could shake the feeling they gave that you were now living inside in a Justin Timberlake film clip.

NOTE-This article might be constroodled as sexist but it’s so not because I’m a girl! And we all know girls can’t be sexist! It is totally shallow though. Don’t take away my Greer card!

La Candelaria – suburb

Address: Barrio La Candelaria | Downtown / Candelaria, Bogotá

You’re probably going to be staying here anyway because it basically has a Backpaker’s hostel on every street. It also has a fairly high concentration of Colombiana ladies (oh also, this is going to just be about the women folk because I did not see one single male Colombian I wanted to do the pants dance with the entire time I was there) due to its proximity to UNIs etc. Sidenote – every hostel has outstanding free wifi (in fact, the whole country does) but they never even mention it on their posters – they do, however, stress their proud possession of hammocks. In Bogota you are nothing if you don’t have a hammock.

Andres Carne De Res – Club

Address:
Calle 3 Nº 11A-56 (Chía, Cundinamarca), El Espartillal, Bogotá

Phone: +57 1 8637880

Website: www.andrescarnederes.com
Opening Hours: Thursday to Saturday 12-3am, Sunday 12-11:30pm

I kind of thought this place was lah-aame but everyone else liked it a lot so, whatever. The beers are almost as expensive as in Australia and there are sniffer dogs at the door but there is a hilarious sign as you walk in that very seriously informs you that you’re not allowed to bring dogs or guns in with you. It’s open till 5am from Thursday and it reaches its 3,000 person capacity every night. It’s got food.

Laguna de Guatavita – Lake

Address: Km 15, Via Guatavita-Sesquile | Sesquile, Cundinamarca, Bogotá

This lake was a meteor crater and it was also supposedly the basis for the ledgend of El Dorado but honestly, you can’t throw a Shakira CD down any street in Colombia and not hit a place that was supposedly the basis for the ledgend of El Dorado. However gold has been found there and in 1545 Lázaro Fonte and Hernán Perez de Quesada attempted (unsuccessfully) to drain the lake using a “bucket chain” of laborers – which sounds adorably exiguous. After 3 months, the water level had been reduced 3 meters, and only a small amount of gold was recovered. Babes go here too.

Museum de Arte Moderno Bogotá
(MAMBO)
Address: Calle 24 Nº 6-00, Bogotá

Phone: +57 1 2860466

Website: www.mambogota.com
Opening Hours: Tuesday to Saturday 10am-6pm, Sunday 12-4:30pm

Art galleries are kind of a no brainer when it comes to hunting babes – they are drawn to them like hipsters to a taco truck. But MAMBO is kind of worth it for non-babe aesthetics anyway. The exhibitions seem to be consistently phresh and diverting. I don’t know what the extra O is for though. No one I asked (guy next to me at the state library of Victoria and SIRI) knew either.

La Zona Rosa – Suburb

Address: North of the City between Calles 79-85 and Carreras 11-15.

This is where you go out. Streets of funky (joke – how gross is the word funky? I would totally only use that word to describe bad curry or vaginal discharge) bars, clubs and pubs. It’s kiiind of like Kings Cross but not as foul. Lots of babes.

Monserrate – Big church on a big, big hill.

Address: Carrera 2 Este No. 21-48 Paseo Bolívar, Bogotá

Phone: +57 1 284 5700

Website: www.cerromonserrate.com

You’ll know what I mean when you get there because you can see the frigging thing from nearly everywhere in Bogota. The mountain and the church stand sentinel over the city and are sulkily majestic. Sundays there is a market down the bottom and thousands of locals and tourists walk up the bazillion stairs to attend the church at the top. You can just take the cable car but it’s pretty nice (painful, but nice) walking up in the company of all the Colombian families and is totally the reason for the spectacular butts.

Chapinero – Suburb

Address: Bogotá, Colombia (Chapinero)

The next suburb over from La Zona Rosa and has three major Universities and a bunch of little parks where good looking people hangout. It also has an actual supermarket that sells decent food, which is unusual – but not real bread or fresh fruit. Ever. You can get tetra packs of Aguardiente, which is the disGUSTing national drink of Colombia. It tastes like your mouth after you puke up Sambucca. Enjoy!

El Patio – Food place –

Address: Carrera 4A, No. 27-86 La Macarena, Bogotá

Phone: +57 1 2826141

The suburb is called La Macarena! Like the Macarena! Haha. Crazy. Anyway this restaurant is bohemian in the mismatched cutlery way but not in the shit food kind of way. The food is really good. This is probably where I would take a babe, once hunted. If I was into that. Well look, I’m not NOT into it, I mean if Salma Hayek turned up at my house and was like ‘Hey girl, you want me to give you a back rub with my boobs?’ or whatever, I’d totally say yes but…anyway. Eat here.

Biblioteca Luis Ángel Arango

Address: Calle 11 N° 4 – 14, barrio La Candelaria, Bogotá

Phone: +57 1 343 12 24

E-Mail: prensablaa@banrep.gov.co

Website: www.banrepcultural.org
Opening Hours: Monday and Saturday 8am-8pm, Sunday 8am-4pm

Biblioteca Luis Ángel Arango is the largest cultural center in the country. It started in 1923 as a small library but today its collection has grown to the point that it has become the premier library of the country and is considered to be the second most important public library in Latin America. ??Ok I just stole that from the website – if I were you, and I was once, I’d just take my moleskine and go sit in the cafeteria and look brooding and complex. Women love that! Again, I’m sorry. If it helps, I have read all (some) of (a biography about) Simone De Beauviour.

Medellín

Address: City, not in Bogotá.

It’s not in Bogotá. It’s not even close. But it IS where there is the highest concentration of babes in Colombia and they are called Paisas. They’re pretty much everywhere so just hang out where you want! I suggest the cable cars that ride over the slums (close enough to wave at the poor people without actually getting out of the cable car!) the Pablo Escobar van tour – which was AWESOME and the guide was, you guessed it, a total babe. They also have a weekly night time mass bike ride that shuts down lanes of traffic and are done by hundreds of people all chanting adorable things like “Mas amor! Menos motor! Por la carreterra!” (More love! Less cars! Take to the streets!) Facebook group HERE but it’s totally in Spanish, sorry dummies!

Words by Alice Williams @shutupalice

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