When you think of British fashion, you think invariably of trench coats, trench-footed wellies and trenchant bad teeth. You just can’t get past the latter – sorry, England!
It may surprise you then to learn that not only does Britain produce some of the world’s most unfair generalisations about dental hygiene, but that it also houses a thriving fashion industry at the vanguard of the art form. I know, right? Despite the whole oral cavity situation and everything. Frankly, their characteristic stiff-upper-lipped fortitude even in the face of dental adversity is a beacon of inspiration to us all.
In related news, while you were flossing your own impeccable teeth with bacon rind this morning, someone at the British Fashion Council saw fit to invite the industry’s most luminous luminaries to the London Coliseum to fight tooth and nail for a number of arbitrary accolades that have no bearing on anything other than how you spend the next two to five minutes.
At the expense of more pressing tasks, let’s then look at what a bunch of Fames wore on the red carpet at the British Fashion Awards.
The more I think about Bee Shaffer for inordinate amounts of time that know no end, the more I’m convinced that ‘nepotism’ is the shade that works best on her; gold too looks fine.
Mom wears John Galliano, looks typically chic, like frozen daggers straight to the heart.
Same deal with Poppy Delevingne, with the whole ‘being overshadowed by her sister’ thing and all. Then I remember she’s rich, leggy and angelic – these a few of my favourite things – and suddenly I don’t feel so bad. She’s wearing gauzy Topshop – perfect for the first day of winter – even though she could wear your flayed skin if she really wanted to.
Ellie Goulding is an inoffensive sedative forever and ever.
Poor Suki Waterhouse and her contractual obligations to wear Burberry all the time. That’s a perfectly unimpressed face if you’ve ever seen one.
BRB, unable to even.
Symmetrical teen Ken Jenner is wearing a Pucci onesie. I’m not okay.
Thank Christ this is a still photograph of Cara Delevingne in a ~muy~ regal Burberry gown with a crotch-grazing split and ample smokey eye and not the B-grade Chanel music video she starred in earlier today.
You can and should watch that travesty here. It’s deplorable.
With respect, this looks like something that even Donatella would’ve made a very hard pass on. Rita Ora embodies the ethos of ‘fetch’ in and with glittery boob Tom Ford.
It’s not fair, tbh.
Daisy Lowe, still so stoked to be invited to things in fifty shades of milky beige.
In Stella McCartney formal sleepwear, Kylie Minogue is a diminutive dust ruffle whose butt insurance policy paid continues to pay for itself.
Courtney loves bias cut baby pink silk, Lana Del Rey – they’re touring together next year, ergo ample summertime sadness – and Italian fashion moguls in that order.
Joan Smalls is an occupational health and safety hazard, phones it in wearing Tom Ford.
Emilia Wickstead steel wool and Chinese take out container clutches are what’s on with the ever gamine, ever game Alexa Chung these days, apparently.
Bad Gal Robyn in a Stella McCartney le smoking sans pants is a gun.
A challenging yet rewarding game to play in your intellectual down time is ‘Regal Afghan Hound or Olivia Palermo‘. Try it for yourself below.
W fashion and style director Edward Enninful cuts a chic silhouette with his date, Medusa, you savages.
Potted fern Michelle Dockery is a barely there botanical vision camouflaged in Erdem foliage.
No ifs, no butts, Karlie’s posterior is nothing short of mesmerising in this pooling pewter gown by a designer who has been failed by SEO. Bae.
Harry Styles sure is wearing a black and red double-breasted pinstripe suit by Lanvin, thank you for noticing.
A Nonoo jumpsuit, Dior coat and years of good will engendered by her gender equality advocacy and general legend status prevent anyone from saying anything ever about mad chiller, no filler, Emma Watson.
‘Ship so hard muhfuckers wanna fine me.
Lead and final photos by David M. Benett; all others by Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images.
