It’s finally here – The Bachelor 2019 babey!! After months of no Aussie reality TV that I care about (and I only care about the dating shows), my life suddenly has meaning again. To celebrate, I’ve taken to the Bachie gowns from episode one, which are always mildly heinous and terrifically alarming from a comfort perspective.
There are 28 women vying for astrophysicist (not astrologist) Matt Agnew’s heart, which means 28 dresses that were designed to murder people slowly via asphyxiation. Seriously, can I get a comfy-yet-chic muumuu up in here? I would riot if someone made me wear one of these.
But more importantly, I would riot because over 50% of these dresses are made from the scratchiest materials known to man. Sequins? Check. Polyester? Check. As someone who gets eczema/dermatitis flare-ups just by looking at a glitter boob tube, I feel for these ladies.
In order, here’s how likely it is that I, the Dermatitis Lord, would have to drown myself in Pinetarsol after wearing one of these abominations.
On one hand, Nikki got to wear the comfiest outfit. It’s stretchy! It’s silky on the skin! I’d be fine in this, but on the other hand, we must acknowledge that this woman has been – I have to assume – manipulated into wearing the worst faux-cheerleader outfit I’ve ever seen. Not to mention those hidden-wedge sneakers circa 2012, what is happening in this cursed image? Even Nikki doesn’t know, look at her eyes, they scream “I’ve made a terrible mistake”.
Danush did GOOD – this dress looks comfy from a material perspective, and has the added bonus of being pretty darn normal and flattering. I bet the other girls gave her the smuntiest looks for having landed such a dece dress.
Again – comfy and not fugly! What a dream.
I can’t say I’m a fan of this colour but I am a fan of this no-sequins-in-sight business.
Look, I want to note that this dress looks like it was a cast-off from Temt Fashions and found in the bargain bin at DFO, but still! If I had to wear this, I think I’d be ok. Sweaty c/o polyester and anxiety, but generally rash-free bc it looks like a lighter polyester than some gowns we’ll see in this list.
Again, stretchy and silky so probably fine, with added bonus of no sweat armpits.
While this is shiny and normally shiny flares up my anxiety bc it means sequins, and sequins mean RASH TIME, it’s that stretchy type of shimmery material that doesn’t contain scratchy glitter globs, you know? In fact, I reckon it’d be a good time wearing this… if the bust area wasn’t such a wardrobe malfunction. Remember, I’m judging these on ME, and ME has 10E boobs that are not perky enough to withstand such minimal hoisting. I need hoisting, ok.
While the material here *seems* like it would glide softly over your easily-irritated skin, the reality is it looks heavy as FUCK and would hundo p bring on the sweats, which we all know sparks the derm flare ups. No thanks.
It’s lace and fringing with what looks like a soothing, protective underlay, but I’m concerned about the leg area. That does not look like luxury French lace, let’s be honest. It more looks like what polyester nightmares are made of.
Again – heavy material, sweaty eczema hell. But with added fishtail skirt I’d never be able to walk in. I’d be waddling down to meet Matt and then I’d probably faceplant into his crotch. And everyone would call me CrotchPlant and I’d go viral, and then eventually I’d go for a job at some high-falutin’ financial firm and they’d be like *checks notes* “oh, you’re CrotchPlant.” My only option would be to form a bad one-woman comedy tour called CrotchPlant Adventures, with a 3-month residency at several RSL clubs.
Again – alarmingly shiny but secretly not scratchy. However, looks thick and bulky. Prime sweatbox material.
That’s ALL unbreathable nylon, you guys. Imagine the heat rash.
THAT lace is back (why so much of this lace on The Bachelor 2019, stylists?), only this time there’s more of it and far more skin patches to touch it directly.
Someone pass me the Dermaid.
We’re in high-necked lace territory, my friends. Imagine the blotchy red mood my chest area would be wearing this. I’d have to get the good stuff out – none of that over-the-counter shit, the real deal. Fucken Advantan Fatty Ointment up in here, bitch.
The sequins are here! The scratchy full-body sequins are here! This dress looks like me crying in the limo because I want to lie naked on cold tiles and scratch my entire body with a toothbrush.
As a side note this is my favourite dress of all the girls (if you’ve ever read my fashion critiques before you’d know just shoving pink tulle in my face is a sure way to win me over). But this article isn’t about STYLE! It’s about DERMATITIS! Imagine your boobs after wearing this scratchy hellmouth of a gown. I wouldn’t have nipples anymore, I can tell you that for free.
While Brianna got a nice strapless bra built into her dress to save her nips, she lost out with the high necked sequin situation.
Oh god it’s that particularly horrible 3D sequin stuff, BURN IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!
Mmm, the particularly demonic combination of heavy material + embellishments that’ll give your arms hives.
Julia’s face here says “I look 10/10 but I also now believe being swaddled in Aveeno-soaked cotton would be better than sex, actually”.
These patterned crochet-type materials always look great, but I’ve tried a dress with this vibe on before (only with less cut outs, why so many strange cut outs? Why does the skirt look like bunting?) and it was a Very Bad Time.
Ooft, top 5 was difficult but The fact this thing has LACE BIKE SHORTS (hello, thrush), full-sleeved and high-necked lace, and a LACE BRA (why? Just let one part of her body not suffer?) almost scored it a spot. The only reason it was beaten was… well, you’ll see.
Me wearing this: I am a beautiful mermaid king.
Also me: *swallows four types of antihistamine directly after filming*
Once I wore a naked dress like the above, and I was like Fran Fine in The Nanny when she has that allergic reaction and scratches herself on the backs of people on the dance floor.
This dress is a crime to human skin.
I NEED CALMING IMAGES OF PRESCRIPTION ECZEMA CREAMS
Ok, I’m feeling a bit better.
You may as well peel your skin off after wearing this, honestly.