For 2013, the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s annual Costume Institute Gala aka the ‘Met Ball’ celebrated the opening of the new PUNK: Chaos to Couture” exhibition, and the looks on the red carpet were themed accordingly (or, at least, some of them). The Met Ball drew its usual crowd of A-List celebrities, ingenues, designers, actresses and supermodels, and a heavily pregnant Kim Kardashian. Behold, the glitz and glamour, the triumphs and tragedies, and the who’s its and what’s its galore of The Met Ball red carpet… 

Look who it is! Good old Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, both dressed in custom Riccardo Tisci for Givenchy. Kanye’s street-informed update on a classic tux works, however Kim’s rose-printed body stocking with built-in gloves is less successful. “She looks like a floral barrel”, one person in the office observed. Her hair and makeup look nice though. And it’s actually a refreshing change to see her with such high flesh-coverage.

Oh, except for this vag-skimming split.

What is this floaty tangerine dream that has delivered the Good Witch Of The North aka Ashley Olsen to The Met red carpet? This gown has a Sixties-era vintage Valentino or maybe Pucci feel to it. If you know please share your wisdom in the comment section. UPDATE: It’s vintage Dior couture.

This is a better angle. I wish the bloody Olsen’s would invest some of their gajillion dollars into getting their hair did occasionally.

Here is angelic beacon of youth Elle Fanning wearing a very Rodarte-ish tie-dyed Rodarte dress from Fall 2013, and a punk attempt at eye makeup that looks a little severe on Elle’s angelic features.

Also wearing Rodarte Fall 2013 is older sister of Elle, Dakota Fanning, with sheer side panels and applique silver and black wings on the side. It’s a pretty sophisticated look, but with the soft hair and makeup she still looks fresh and young (albeit quite low in punk).

It’s hard not to be disappointed in Solange‘s blatant disregard for the evening’s theme because she’s usually one for over-the-top styling on a standard day in the office. The Kenzo gown is fun nevertheless.

Nicki Minaj gets visibly uncomfortable when she isn’t dressed as the mayor of Lollypop Land. She wears Tommy Hilfiger.

Katie Holmes would have nailed it in this Calvin Klein dress if the brief was ‘Disney’s Ursula the Sea Witch got married’.

Taylor Swift in J. Mendel looks eerily like a Madame Tussaud’s wax version of Taylor Swift.

Yikes Greta Gerwig. Go home and undo this.

Chloe Sevigny doesn’t exactly look stoked, and to be honest this Fall 2013 Proenza Schouler frock in layered lace looked amazing on the runway but a little underwhelming on the Met Ball red carpet.

Anja Rubik wears a grotesque red Anthony Vaccarello leather situation and looks good anyway.

Here is Givenchy designer Riccardo Tisci with his muse Rooney Mara who is wearing a dress worthy of hashtags like: #obsessed #everything #omg #literallydying.

Heavenly.

Karolina Kurkova wears confused expression and outfit inspired by court jesters in Second Life pornos.

Leelee Sobieski is nowhere to be seen for 11 months of the year, then suddenly she turns up at these things wearing Dior over a black t-shirt over gold-leaf embroidered sheer gloves and looks cool as heck.

Excellent.

The Mother of Dragons cares not for dress codes and wears not-even-remotely-punk Ralph Lauren.

Heidi Klum is all “Auf Wiedersehen idiots!” in some Marchesa scenario I swear she’s worn before.

Hmmm.

JAMIE LANNISTER:

Groan. You can just tell the thought process that led Gwyneth to decide on this Valentino Couture dress and boring ponytail: “You know what would be the punkest thing of all? Turning up to a punk-themed party in the least punk ensemble imaginable. Oh, GP you subversive genius, you’ve done it again! Muhhuuwahaha.” *shifts into the Crane pose*

Jessica Pare wears Jason Wu, and somehow the usually unacceptable purple and black colour combo, the raccoon eye makeup, and the dangerous skirt over trousers look is working. Right?… Ugh. My girl crush on Megan Draper is clouding my judgment.

Christina Ricci actually referenced the punk and fashion theme with a tartan Vivienne Westwood dress and fishnet pantyhose! The makeup and hair are terrific too. Great job.

I really like Lena Dunham in this long black lace Erdem dress. Her date is Erdem designer Erdem Moralioglu who is one chic drink of water in that navy tuxedo.

Sarah Jessica Parker just fucking gets it. She’s wearing an outrageous/fabulous Giles explosion with a custom-made Phillip Treacy headdress shaped like a mohawk and velvet Louboutin boots.

I like it how Mary Kate Olsen has skipped right past her 20s and 30s and gone straight into Incomprehensibly Rich Old Person Who Does Not Give A Fuck mode. Bravo!

This is what happens when you let four-year-old girls design your ball gown.

Kate Bosworth wears a fun heavily-embellished pink Balmain mini.

Here’s Katy Perry wearing the art direction from Madonna’s “Like A Prayer” music video. She is with the people who made the whole thing possible, Dolce & Gabbana designers, Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana.

I like her full commitment to the look and, frankly, I don’t hate what’s happening here:

How good is it when Rosie Huntington-Whitely rocks up ignoring the theme completely, looking like an enormous goddess with Gucci chartreuse silk and feathered breasts. Girl on the left is like “gasp”.

Beyonce smiles bravely in a repulsive flame-covered thing from Givenchy. Every aspect of this look (gloves, biker studded belt, yellow paisley suede) equally contributes to the eyesore that is this ensemble. Not that Beyonce cares.

*Inhales deeply* “Confirmed: my own farts smell terrific.”

And now I interrupt the rest of the red carpet for a section dedicated solely to beautiful ingenues wearing black dresses.

Emma Watson is virtually absent of any reference to punk in this Prabal Gurung dress, save for the lonely earring.

Gorgeous Girls actress Alison Williams is wearing a giant Rorschach ink spill by Altuzarra.

Holy smokes Anne Hathaway! The platinum pixie cut was worth the risk because GLAM. And that vintage Valentino Couture gown with feathered cuffs and sexual sheer panels is amazing (a little Bob Mackie, actually). And the daring yellow nail varnish too! Excellent.

Alexa Chung wears Erdem and looks spellbinding like she always does.

“Tee hee! Punk!” Miranda Kerr in Michael Kors.

Jessica Hart also in black, adds an element of punk with the leather harness-style bodice. She’s a little boring compared to that DayGlo fishtail extravaganza behind her.

I love Teresa Palmer but she could have done better than this.

Coco Rocha stars in the most dangerous game of all. This jungle was designed by Emanuel Ungaro by Fausto Puglisi.

Nicely done, Cameron Diaz in custom Stella McCartney. The colour is great, the cape is fantastic and the styling (the belt, the manicure) have a touch of punk. This is her best red carpet effort in ages.

Gisele wears chainmail and velvet Anthony Vaccarello. Heterosexual men approve.

Naturally, flawless Dior babes from the movies of Hollywood Jennifer Lawrence and Marion Cotillard wear Christian Dior. They can’t really look punk because Dior designer Raf Simons does not do punk, he does sophisticated minimalism and shit that only bajillionaires can afford, so this is quite disappointing in the context of the night.

This is how you do punk, you fucking amateurs. Madonna in Givenchy, sans pants.

Kristen Stewart is her effervescent self in lace-paneled Stella McCartney jumpsuit.

“I’m Batman”


Photos by Getty Images
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