With his baby milk teeth and ragamuffin charm, boyish good looks that wear down your defences the further into the photographic archives you descend, affable demeanour and penchant for frequent displays of nudity, it’s a common misconception that Prince Harry is anything other than a grown ass man with real adult responsibilities and not a petulant toddler.
While visiting an exhibition of photographs displaying the work of his African AIDS-focused charity Sentebale in London overnight, Prince Harry told the BBC that one of his new duties as a cool uncle is “to make sure [Prince George] has fun” in addition to “[making] sure he has a good upbringing, and [keeping] him out of harm’s way.”
With the whole ‘good upbringing’ thing relegated to parents Bill and Cathy and the ‘keeping him out of harm’s way’ reserved for the entire British legion and a crack team of secret service operates who will follow George unbeknownst to him throughout his entire life, it looks like the responsibility to make sure Prince BB has a good time falls solely on the ample shoulders of Fresh Prince Henry, 28, now fourth in line to the throne having been usurped by a four-day-old.
“I hope my brother knows how expensive my babysitting charges are!” Harry told the BBC, all grave earnestness.
In keeping with the hysteria surrounding media cover of The Royal Beb, here are Ten Things Prince Harry, King of Cool Uncles and Totally Awesome Avuncular Figure, Can Teach Boy George.
DON’T HATE THE PLAYER, HATE THE GAMES
Prince Harry is a textbook player – a player of games [and laydeez, amirite!?]. Show me an infant who doesn’t want a cool uncle to teach them neat tricks and I’ll show you a liar who ought to be thrown in The Tower and beheaded without dessert.
“I’m one of those people who loves playing PlayStation and Xbox. So with my thumbs I like to think that I’m probably quite useful,” Prince Harry told the BBC earlier this year. “You can ask the guys: I thrash them at FIFA the whole time,” he continued, likening deadly modern warfare to a video game.
Here’s a brief list of others things Harry can teach Georgie using his useful, cognisant thumbs:
Schoolyard self-defence:
How to be a baller, how to be a lil’ bit taller:
How to juggle your balls, like your birds [with aplomb]:
How to do it, ride it, my pony:
HOW TO WALK ‘N TALK REAL GOOD ‘N OTHER LEARNINGS
Academia was never Henry’s forte. When he was at Eton, it surfaced that an art teacher had painted and submitted Prince Hazard’s A-level exam paintings on his behalf, helping him gain a B and (along with his D in geography) allowing him entry into Sandhurst Military Academy For Kidz Who DGAF About Brain Learnings. Later, photographs of the paints were released by Buckingham Palace to demonstrate Harry’s artistic fortitude and serve as a lasting reminder of his being a lyin’ cheatin’ scrub.
“Exams were always a nightmare,” says Prince Hizzle, “but anything like kicking a ball around or playing PlayStation—or flying—I do generally find a little bit easier than walking, sometimes.”
One week later, Harry pushed a photographer outside a London nightclub and busted up his lip. George’s lesson? YOLO.
HOW TO CLEAN ONESELF WITH ONE HAND [V. HARD; REQUIRES MUCH PRACTICE]
HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEAPS CHILL WORK-LIFE BALANCE: NEVER BET AGAINST THE HOUSE
Remember that time when Harry, Prince OF SHOTS! EVERYBODY! got well blotto in Las Vegas, played strip billiards and had his rouge derrière posted all over The Internet? Of course you do. That, says ‘Arry, was “Probably a classic example of me, you know, probably being too much army and not enough prince.” Which brings us to another thing Harry can teach Mad Future King George: how to maintain that crucial balance between work and play. The answer according to the Half Blood Prince? You split your soul, you see, and hide part of it in an object outside the body. Then, even if one’s body is attacked or destroyed, one cannot die, for part of the soul remains earthbound and undamaged:
“I think I said a while back there’s three ‘me’s, as it were. One in the army, one socially – my own private time – and one sort of with the family and stuff like that. So, you know, there is a switch and I flick it when necessary… I like to think it’s measured and balanced,” but then again…
HOW TO SUCCESSFULLY EXPERIMENT WITH MARIJUANA ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS
At age 16, Harry frequently patronised the Rattlebone Inn near the Royal Family’s Highgrove estate in Gloucestershire, and was noted to have smoked a joint at one of the frequent after-hours parties he held at Highgrove. Having run the gauntlet of PR nightmares, Harry knows a thing or three about negotiating the trials of youthful experimentation in the public spotlight; an invaluable skill to be passed on. St James’s Palace issued a statement at the time – probably written from a form letter – confirming that the prince had “experimented with the drug on several occasions”, but stressed that while the cannabis use was a problem treatable by an intensive day course at Featherstone Rehabilitation clinic, it could not be described as “regular”, much like the Prince himself.
HOW NOT TO DRESS FOR A FANCY NAZI DRESS PARTIES; HOW NOT TO UPSET THE REALM
The Royal Family, especially Granddaddy Charles, are style icons whose sartorial whims dictate headlines and hemlines alike. If Trinny & Susannah have taught us anything – and I think they have – it’s that what one doesn’t wear is just as important as what one does wear – Nazi uniforms included. When he was 20, you may remember Harry wore a Nazi Swastika arm-band to a friend’s fancy dress party. Again, a statement was released by Clarence House Sitters, stating, “Prince Harry has apologised for any offence or embarrassment he has caused. He realises it was a poor choice of costume.” The invaluable life lesson? Acknowledge your mistakes and have someone apologise for you.
Other poor choices of fancy dress costume include no costume [see Vegas]; wearing jeans as a swimming costume [see Vegas; Croatia] and always steer clear of comments pertaining to the headdress of cultures other than your own.
HOW TO KILL THREE BIRDS WITH ONE STONE COLD FOX
You catch more fly ladies with honey.
BE YOURSELF; EVERYONE ELSE IS TAKEN WITH YOU
HOW TO CAST A DARK MARK
AND HOW TO NEVER TAKE THE ENTIRE PREMISE OF YOUR LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
Photos: Tim P. Whitby, Jim Watson, Chris Jackson, Leon Neal, AAP
via BBC
