GUYS my favourite awards show, besides the beautiful and tragic Logies, is hands-down the Teen Choice Awards. So many questionable outfits! So much blatant attention-seeking from D-grade celebs! I LOVE IT.
I also feel like the red carpet is completely cooked, because it’s kind of a casual awards event but at the same time, it’s not entirely made clear to celebs what LEVEL of casuale, so there’s everything from extremely OTT sparkly shit and people wearing fucking plain t-shirts. Which frankly, is just unacceptable on a red carpet, to me.
Anyway here’s all the good shit and all the WTF shit (plus some in-between) I spotted.
NORMANI HAMILTON
Are Fifth Harmony still a thing? Whatever, if they are – Normani is part of it, if not, she WAS part of it. Who cares! The point is she is wearing my grandma’s tablecloth that is only used for Christmas dinner, as a skirt. But then there’s a Tommy Hilfiger undies band around the top.
JOEY KING
If you haven’t seen The Kissing Booth you’re fucking missing OOOOOUT MATES! Joey is one of the stars, and for a bit she was dating her co-star dude except then I think they broke up. Oh well. Love is a lie, as we all already knew. Anyway she looks so bloody cute here, and she is bloody cute in general, and I can’t fault this.
CHLOE GRACE MORETZ
Oh man, I have a lot of thoughts. Firstly, what is this power stance. I’d love it but for the fact I’m straight-up worried she can see me through the computer and is placing a pox upon my household. Second, I hate the blazer and third, because of said blazer I can’t work out what that spangly bit is part of. A skirt? A dress? Just sort of stuck on, Lisa-Is-Florida style?
NINA DOBREV
Is Nina gunning for the new Teri Hatcher in the Desperate Housewives reboot that will absolutely happen since we cannot stop rebooting things that no one wants rebooted? This bizarrely demure shirt dress vibe is going to score her that role if so.
LUCY HALE
I have never enjoyed strapless dresses that have these side wing situations on the boob area. It reminds me of Maleficent and I was so scared of her as a child, so I’m forever discriminatory toward dresses like this. I also SHOULD like the green eye makeup? Because I love a bit of a zesty disco eye, but this one looks like a mucusy infection.
LILI REINHART
EXTREME YES ALL ROUND, UP AND OVER, EVERYWHERE. Maybe not the waist tie but we can’t have everything.
ANNA KENDRICK
I mean yeah? I guess? I don’t hate it? I feel like there’s something about the piping around the top bit that makes it look Supre-circa-2004 a little bit, but the colour suits her and the sequins are fun. It just looks a bit cheap and it’s like Anna mate, you are SO rich. You definitely get UberEats like, every night and don’t go broke.
MADELAINE PETSCH
I have something against sateen pants with a pleat down the middle. I hate them? Even when people look good in them (Madelaine, above) I have such a burning rage in my soul when I see sateen pants.
EVVIE MCKINNEY
If we overlook the fact that the straps and belt are essentially repurposed rock climbing safety gear, I’ll always be into holographic shit. That being said like HOW are you comfy through an entire awards ceremony in this. So many hard edges poking you in the vagine.
MAIA MITCHELL
This is an interesting mood for an awards show that is essentially 4,000 screaming stans crying in the rafters. This is more the mood of a rich widow at her 90-year-old husband’s funeral, trying to convince his lawyers she’s entitled to his estate and is not, in fact, the culprit who popped some arsenic in his nightly Earl Grey.
NOAH CYRUS
SEE, this is what I mean by a confusing red carpet. I don’t blame Noah Cyrus for thinking her vintage jeans were an OK choice, because NO ONE HAS ANY FUCKING IDEA WHAT THE TEEN CHOICE RULES ARE. That being said if I look at this objectively, it’s a hard no.
MEGHAN TRAINOR
Have you ever seen something so uncomfortable-looking in your entire life? And it’s FORMAL PYJAMAS. They should be the comfiest things of all!
EVA GUTOWSKI
I FUCKING HATE DAD SNEAKERS.
BEBE REXHA
If this didn’t give her thrush then she has a bionic vagina.
LOGAN SHROYER
The longer you look at this the more insane it gets. Like why is your hood on? It’s not raining and you’re also not cold, I know this bc it is summer over there in the US. But then there’s the shoes! WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE they look like alien poos.
ERIS BAKER
Fuck you guys, this is the most polarising outfit for my brain. I love love love love it. Everything about it. Except maybe that sneaky lil two tone pointy boot poking through the bottom but whatever. Anyway I LOVE IT but also…. it’s overalls. On the red carpet. I don’t know how I feel about that.
COLE SPROUSE
FUCK YEAH COLE SPROUSE PUT A BABY IN ME.
KJ APA
No I’m sorry, this looks like his flesh has turned inside-out and he’s part of that Real Bodies exhibition.
KANDEE JOHNSON
BARBIE MARIPOSA! I LOVE YOUR WORK!
LELE PONS
Lele looks like in that Batman movie from the ’90s, with Two Face? And he had the “good” girlfriend (Drew Barrymore) and the “bad” girlfriend (some other person)? Anyway this is what it would look like if instead he just cut them in half and sewed one half of each together. Gross visual, sorry.
NICK ROBINSON
I mean you just walked onto the red carpet after picking up a few bits and bobs from the servo at this point, Nick.
CAMILA MENDES
Nope, I’m bored.
KATHERINE MCNAMARA
I want to know what stylist is saying “yesssss girl, let’s pull it all together with a VERY LONG MAGICIANS CAPE”.
CHLOE LUKASIAK
GUYS remember when Chloe was a teeny Dance Moms baby? Now she’s an adult and I feel about 400. I also don’t think she can breathe in this tbh.
AUBREY JOSEPH
See to me this is the perfect balance between casual and formal for these events. No denim, but also no tux.
OLIVIA HOLT
LOOOOVE.
DOMINIC SHERWOOD
WOT.
ELIAS HARGER
Everyone else go home, this tiny child has won the red carpet. What the actual fuck you guys, this is perfect. It’s magnifique. He is a prepubescent fashion icon.
