Survive Summer By Not Being An Idiot: A Guide

All you need to do is listen for a moment to any friend from overseas, who is no doubt terrified of Australia (thanks, Wolf Creek) and all of the flora, fauna and misc. purportedly trying to harm us; Drop Bears notwithstanding, there actually are a few things we could all do with being reminded of from now and then. Mostly because, forgetting them can be almost as bad as being on holidays, forgetting to take the chicken out of the freezer after your Mum asked you to and then hearing her come up the driveway that night…[a moment of silence].

Now, as you well know, the saying is not ‘Summer First’, it’s ‘Safety First’, which is definitely something to remember the next time you’re thinking about putting too much force behind your water bomb throw, and as you read this list:

Hands Free

Firstly, using your phone when you are behind the wheel of any vehicle/craft – which is most likely a car, ideally a jet-ski – is just never worth it. We’ve all seen enough Oprah episodes to know that texting while driving is silly and anyone caught doing it was always in the middle of an entirely benign, overly abbreviated monstrosity that would definitely benefit from a re-reading and quick edit best done while not in charge of a moving a metal box.

Stay Hydrated

You’re going to need to replace all those liquids you’re sweating out, you sweaty maniac. If you refer to the experts, WebMD, you will find that you have Cancer, but also that the benefits of water far outweigh any barriers to not drinking it incl. laziness and…no, that’s it.
Why else wouldn’t you drink water? Name one bad thing drinking water has done for humanity…

Titanic not incl.

Sun Protection

Don’t let that v-neck get too deep, or if you must, be sure to cover all areas not covered in V with sunscreen. To keep this one top of mind why not appeal to your inner vanity? Aging from UV, known as ‘photoaging’ amongst dermatologists circles, is one of the main causes of prematurely looking old and busted. Since you can’t stop gravity, it’s also the main cause that can be easily minimised. According to AgeSkinNet: “Sun-weakened skin ceases to spring back much earlier than skin protected from UV rays. Skin also becomes loose, wrinkled, and leathery much earlier with unprotected exposure to sunlight.” So, in summary: you should always be Slip’ Slop’ Slapping for the same reason that Diddy moisturises his situation: why, to preserve your sexy, of course.

Check For Obstacles

We get it, you’re unrolling your slip ‘n slide or large piece of tarp, excitement levels are high and all gathered just will not quit it with the ‘hurry ups’, but once the hose is in position and you slide there’s no take backs, you can’t Control > Z and unbruise your butt.
A broken coccyx is actually the least hilarious thing to ever happen to anyone (speaking from experience), ever. So just please, always make sure you carefully check your designated Slide Zone or this will be your future.

Don’t Be Dumb At The Beach

Rips, blue bottles, sand too hot to walk on, surfboard to the head, the list of potential mild to serious dangers goes on. Even if you’ve been going to the beach since you were a wee Nipper,
always survey the lay of the wave land for potentially un-chill currents and never let a friend pee on you to treat blue bottle stings (speaking from experience); it’s been proven to do nothing for the pain and may actually make it worse.

Repel Insects

Or suffer the consequences. Or actually don’t because, you know, there’s a bunch of ways to stop mozzie bites from itching. The easiest of which, that we could find, was to press a warm spoon on the bite.
Humans remain the dominant species. The End.

Beware Fans

Okay, so this one is only relevant if you’re in South Korea, as that is the only place where actual cases of ‘Fan Death‘ have been reported, but basically it’s dying from sleeping with the fan on. Eep. It is, however, thought to be a big fat lie told by the South Korean government “as propaganda to curb the energy consumption of South Korean households during the 1970s energy crisis” but to this day they still cover a few stories of it happening in the papers each year #FunUn-Factz

No Boxes For One

DO NOT bulk buy any of the summer fruits including, but not limited to, cherries and mangoes UNLESS you live with more than one other person. It’s all fun and ‘teehee, what a great summer snack’…

Until it becomes ‘I finished it off, send for help

Computer Fatigue

Look, sometimes summer isn’t about going outdoors and being social, sometimes it’s about not being at work or school and spending some with the internet. However, according to that same internet, there is a thing that now exists called ‘Computer Vision Syndrome’ whereby you ‘get headaches, blurry vision, become tired, cranky and fat’ by sitting in front of a monitor all day long. Just remember: